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Bachelor in Paradise

Bachelor in Paradise Season 1 Promo Analysis: Hooking Up On Land Is For Amateurs

The evil geniuses behind ABC’s Bachelor keep trying to concoct a spin-off series that will do for bad life decisions what the Bachelor/ette has done for love, i.e., turn it into a money-making commodity. Despite their failed attempt with Bachelor Pad, the ABC love doctors won’t take no for an answer, so they took some fan favorite contestants, flew them to “paradise,” turned on some cameras, and waited for the magic. And you know what? WE CAN’T WAIT.

The show’s promo promises all the drama and in-fighting we’ve come to know, love, and live for, and more makeout sessions than prom night (we’ve watched it so many times our dreams are filled with regret and Chris Harrison). To ease our mounting impatience for what will surely be the best show on earth to start, we’ve broken down the key moments of the promo for your viewing pleasure. Get your vino ready.

Clare Crawley realizes there are no mini soaps to steal and drops an f-bomb on the cleaning staff. Says “That’s an f’d up position for you to put me in!” We agree.

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ABC tries to increase its male viewership while simultaneously bringing back 1997 body jewelry.

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The producers enforce the portion of the contestants’ contracts that say “you WILL lower your inhibitions and MUST regret this in the morning.”

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Some sand-loving lovers give an HR demo on good touch vs. bad touch.

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ABC attempts to up its female viewership — forgets women have eyes and that hot pink shorts and man jewelry are jailable offenses.

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Robert Graham and Clare stick to what they know to be true: the ocean was made for making out.

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There’s so much crying, the girls institute the buddy system to guard against drowning/dehydration.

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Hangovers start at noon and last until next season.

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Michelle Kujawa relives middle school and slams the door on Chris, hoping that will also shut the door on all her bad decisions. (#realtalk: It doesn’t.)

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Chris contemplates getting a nice, chill job delivering mail. Hey, he already delivers date cards!

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Decides to ask for more money instead.

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Speaking of money — Michelle. Regrets. Everything.

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Chris uses his shiny new paycheck to lose a fight with our grandmother. And 1983.

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Wanna see all the good, the bad, and the ugly for yourself? Watch the promo below and tell us your thoughts in the comments.