Bachelorette 2014 Fantasy Suites Recap: And None For Chris Soules
To quote ‘90s icons the Spice Girls, tonight is the night when two become one. Except, tonight was actually the night when three became one, because that's how many people Andi Dorfman considered letting into her Fantasy Suite during this week's episode of The Bachelorette. And we mean "fantasy suite" in more ways than one. Like, we mean it in as many ways possible.
Eager to find out which country volunteered as tribute for Andi's erotic adventures with Josh Murray, Nick Viall and Chris Soules? That would be the Dominican Republic. All we know is that what happened in the D.R. this week probably isn't legal in the United States, unless Barack Obama recently changed the rules and having sister-husbands is now socially acceptable.
In other news, things you might want to have on hand while reading tonight's recap include a blindfold, earplugs, and a copy of The Bachelor Bible just in case you suddenly feel so terrified that you need to call on Chris(t) Harrison. P.S. This recap was sponsored by whatever company manufactures STD tests.
Overnight Date: Nick Viall
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If there's one thing Bachelors and Bachelorettes love, it's frolicking gleefully in bodies of water while Mother Nature is just like, "PLEASE STOP DEFILING ME, K THANKS!" Nick and Andi are no different. These two spent most of their overnight date straddling each other in the ocean while a bunch of seaweed lost the will to live, and then snorkeled while all the fish were like "nope," and talked about Nick's ex-girlfriends –– which was apparently a total turn-on for Andi.
But does Nick love Andi as much as we love Chris Harrison? Apparently, and he chose to express his love with a novel-length fan-fiction about their relationship, complete with insanely creepy watercolor drawings. Like, Nick might secretly be E.L. James's apprentice, that's all we're saying.
For some inexplicable reason, Andi gifted Nick with an invitation to her Fantasy Suite (at which point he dropped The L-word), and it should be noted that said invitation was written by Chris Harrison. Because Chris isn't even pretending that he doesn't operate a pimp ring. The man has literally no effs to give. Anyway, who knows what happened behind closed doors of Nick and Andi's fantasy suite, but we're pretty sure they didn't stay up "talking all night."
Overnight Date: Josh Murray
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For some reason, Chris Harrison felt the need to unleash Josh and Andi upon the local population of Santo Domingo, and the results were terrifying. Not only did Josh buy "street aphrodisiacs," he felt the need to break into spontaneous hip-shaking in the middle of the street (unbridle your passions, Josh! Feel the rhythm!). Plus, he opted to wear Nike running shoes throughout the date. Because, sports! And speaking of running, Josh also felt it was necessary to join a pickup baseball game after peeping on a few random children and being like "Sports? SPORTS!" Who knows where these poor kids are circa right now (probably therapy), but we we assume their parents are suing ABC for emotional damages.
Fortunately, Josh managed not to break into spontaneous dance throughout the evening portion of his overnight date, where he and Andi rehashed their relationship (all 1.5 months of it), and chatted about having kids. But did Andi give Josh an invitation to her fantasy suite? Of course she did, and they engaged in what we can only assume was an evening of passionate, ahem, aerobic activity, in which Josh probably "stole second base."
Overnight Date: Chris Soules
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Here's the good news: No animals were harmed in the making of this episode. At least, not physically. We cannot, however, speak to the mental state of the Dominican Republic's horse population, who were given the daunting task of carting Chris and Andi around while they made love with their eyes. We're so sorry, horsey friends. And we totally understand why you tried to hurl Andi and Chris off your backs.
Anyway, these lovebirds had a great time chilling out with terrified buffalo, talking about that one time Andi sat in Chris's lap and "went to town" (his words). They then inexplicably playing hide-and-seek, but unfortunately Andi was having some major doubts. Probably because she doesn't see herself frolicking around a farm all day. But did she take a chance on Chris by giving him a rose during the romantic evening portion of their date, or did she de-flower him on the spot? Read on to find out.
That would be Chris. This poor dude was eliminated so hard — mostly because Andi decided their relationship was lacking in the love department, aka her way of saying "I DON'T WANT TO BE A FARMER, BYE." Sadly, Chris didn't take the news very well, though he did act like a total gentleman. We'll think of you every time we shuck corn, buddy!
Josh confesses his love for Andi: "I feel stuff with you."
Prepare your bodies, because next Monday is The Bachelorette's Men Tell All Special. Basically, it's an excuse for Chris Harrison to pretend he's a therapist and chat to Andi's rejects about their post-Bachelorette feels while an audience full of fan-girls finger wag. Possible things that will happen include randos you've forgotten about sobbing, Chris Harrison resisting the urge to throw himself into a pile of rose thorns, and a blooper reel.