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Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    
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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2015 Episode 2 Recap: Zombies and Crazies and Virgins, Oh My!

Like a young farmer tenderly plowing through his crop of soybeans, Bachelor 2015 Chris Soules is mowing his tractor through his harem in the hopes of fertilizing some lady-soil. Chris has already proven that he's a terrible judge of character due to the fact that he failed to eliminate his two most intoxicated contestants (looking at you, Ashley "I'm Weirdly Obsessed with Onions" Salter and Tara "Jack Daniels" Eddings), but in this week's January 12 Episode 2, he gets to know his girlfriends on a deeper level.

Not only does Chris take Megan Bell on a casual date to the Grand Canyon (thankfully he refrains from pushing her in), he goes on not one, but two group dates. And yes, both tractors and zombies are involved. Say what you will about Prince Farming, but at least he knows that the way to a woman's heart is shoving her on a large motorized vehicle and then locking her in a maze with a bunch of flesh-eating undead randoms. Sigh, it's times like these that we wish Chris hadn't eliminated human tissue harvester Reegan Cornwell. She would have loved this date, though it's also possible that she would have gone nuts and actually removed someone's internal organs....

Also, it should be noted that Chris spent an inordinate amount of time staring at himself in the mirror while shirtless. If he doesn't end up finding a wife, we can all rest easy knowing that he loves his reflection.



Tractor Time Group Date — Who Got To Spend Alone-Time with Chris?

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Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell    

Remember last week when Chris eliminated Kimberly Sherbach and then, much like the venereal diseases that lurk in Bachelor Mansion's swimming pool, she refused to leave? Well Chris decided to give her one more chance, and even invited her to a pool party with Mackenzie Deonigi, Tandra Steiner, Jade Roper, Ashley Iaconetti, and Tara Eddings.

The wet n' wild soiree was a fabulous opportunity for Prince Farming to see what his contestants look like semi-naked, but despite a few wonderful moments (including a woman's upper-inner thighs being wrapped around his neck), Chris' thirst for public humiliation just wasn't satiated. Which is presumably why he made his girlfriends to partake in a tractor race on the streets of Los Angeles.

It was a terrifying moment for all parties involved (especially us), but after the ladies "showed Chris their country," Ashley ended up taking first place. However, Chris was basically like "LOL, just kidding," and rejected her, instead deciding to spend the rest of the evening with Mackenzie. What followed was a bonding session the likes of which we've never seen, in which Mackenzie asked profound questions like "do you believe in aliens," told Chris about her son, and then accepted his rose. How adorable! And note to Mackenzie: Aliens exist — Chris Harrison is living proof.


1-on-1 Date — Did Megan Bell Nab Chris' Rose?

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Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

You'd think that after watching 18 seasons of The Bachelor, Megan Bell would run away in fear upon learning that she was going on a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon. After all, we know how much Chris Harrison loves watching his Bachelors push unsuspecting women down random crevices. Yet, Megan was super excited about her adventure in the high desert with Chris, and they spent their helicopter ride cuddling, squealing and being all "OMG, NATURE!"

But if you think Megan and Chris' date was all fun and giant holes in the ground, think again. Megan decided to spend lunch telling Chris about how her father died suddenly (and recently), which was apparently a huge turn on for Chris because he was like "behold, my tongue in your mouth" almost immediately after. So, did Megan get a rose? Of course! As if Chris would reject someone right after hearing all about their personal tragedy. He's not Juan Pablo Galavis, guys.


Zombie Group Date — Who Got The Rose?

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Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

It looks like Chris Harrison has an extremely creative team of Bachelor underlings date-planning this season, because this week's second group date was even more deranged than his first. Basically, 11 victims were rounded up, forced into a maze, and then left there to die. Like, they literally abandoned everyone in a zombie wasteland with paintball guns as their only defense. Luckily, the date was a great excuse for Chris Soules' lady friends to frolic around gleefully with weapons, and several amazing moments happened with Ashley Salter — including the following quote: "There are, like, angels, literally." Not sure what it means, but we're sure it's profound.

Fortunately, none of Prince Farming’s contestants died while being forcibly trapped in a maze with a bunch of D-list actors in zombie costumes, and they were rewarded with an opportunity to get drunk with Chris. So many important things went down during this late-night bonding session, but highlights include Kaitlyn Bristowe getting the group rose, and Ashley S. interrupting Chris' on-camera interview to bond with a feral zombie-cat/tell Chris "your leather smells really great." Bless her.


Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

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Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Chris' pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail hour wasn't without its fair share of drama, especially when Ashley I. decided to make a play for his lips. Basically, her lips unbridled their passions, attacked his lips in a virginal rage, and showed them no mercy whatsoever. Unfortunately, Ashley's steamy makeout session brought Britt Nilsson to tears about how they're all dating the same guy (has she never seen this show before?), and also brought Jordan Branch to a very dark place indeed where she tried to make out with a cameraman. Poor dude is definitely not being paid enough for this job.

Who Was Sent Home?

Despite the fact that they survived zombie attacks and tractor drag racing, Tandra Steiner, Alissa Giambrone, Jordan Branch, Kimberly Sherbach and Tara Eddings were sent packing at the end of this episode. Words can't even described how bummed we are about Tara's departure, so hopefully she'll continue her reign of drunken terror during Bachelor In Paradise. A girl can dream!

Quote of the Night

Tara says what we're all thinking: "I know what he means by 'show me your country' and he's gonna see it."

Annnnd, goodnight.