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Credit: John Fleenor/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    

The Bachelor

Bachelor 2015 Episode 3 Recap: We Accept the Manure We Think We Deserve

Everyone panic: It appears as though Chris Harrison has kidnapped Jimmy Kimmel, forced him into Bachelor Mansion, and as is holding him hostage. We can only assume that Chris is experimenting with new torture methods this Bachelor 2015 because Jimmy Kimmel looked like a broken man during the promos for this week's Season 19 Episode 3.

The good news is that he seems to have completed the tasks Host Harrison forced upon him, aka helping Other Chris (or Chris Soules, as he's commonly known) sow his oats (quite literally) in a lady field.

With the help of Jimmy, Chris went on three fabulous dates this week: First he took Kaitlyn Bristowe to a "member's only club" (whatever that means — we're afraid), then he went on a farm-themed group date involving manure and greased pigs (#blessed), and then he took Whitney Bischoff to "wine country," which we can only assume is some tragic plot of land where Ben Flajnik roams freely, crushing grapes in between his toes while his middle-parted hair blows in the wind. Also, Chris and Whitney crashed a wedding, so we'd like to issue a public apology to the bride and groom whose lives were ruined.

All in all tonight's episode was just as amazing as usual, but you should know that Jimmy Kimmel spent time in Chris' hot tub, which means he is very likely infected with any number of communicable diseases.



1-on-1 Date — Did Kaitlyn Bristowe Get the Rose?

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Despite being a clear victim of Chris Harrison's reign of terror, Jimmy Kimmel managed to get in a few hijinks of his own this week (OH, THE HIJINKS!), and convinced Chris and his first sacrificial lamb, Kaitlyn Bristowe, that they would be going to a “member's only club” for their date. Hah, foolish noobs!

In reality, Jimmy forced Chris and Kaitlyn to shop at Costco like mere peasants, which naturally involved buying mass amounts of mayonnaise. Fortunately, these lovebirds managed to escape with their lives, and then enjoyed a casual steak dinner at Chris' Bachelor Pad — which, by the way, looks like the result of an L.L. Bean catalog making sweet love with a Pendleton blanket. Of course, Chris and Kaitlyn had to host Jimmy as part of their date, and he wasted no time grilling them about important topics like how Kaitlyn would feel if Chris slept with another woman in the Fantasy Suite (answer: totally fine). So, did Chris give Kaitlyn the rose? Um, yeah, didn't you hear? She's cool with him sexing up three other ladies.

Group Date at the Farm — Who Got the Rose?

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Credit: John Fleenor/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    

In what can only be described as a hate crime, Jimmy Kimmel forced 12 innocent ladies to compete in a farm-themed relay race. We can barely describe what happened without suffering from immediate PTSD, but all you need to know is that corn was shucked, goat udders were violated, manure was shoveled (a metaphor for this episode, obviously), and Carly Waddell successfully wrestled a pig. As in, she was flopping around on the ground with a small greasy hog.

As a reward for getting through the most humiliating day in their lives, Chris threw an after party — but Mackenzie Deonigi kind of killed his buzz when she accused him of whoring out his open mouth to everyone within a one mile radius. Yes, she was slightly sloppy in her delivery, but not as sloppy as Chris' tongue, which is wet with saliva from a thousand women.

So, who got the Group Date Rose? That would be Becca Tilley, who managed to win points by not kissing Chris during their quality time together. The more you know!

1-on-1 — Did Whitney Bischoff Get The Rose?

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You can't blame Chris for wanting a relatively normal date after witnessing a bunch of pigs get fondled on a farm, so with the help of Jimmy Kimmel, he decided to take Whitney Bischoff on a romantic date to "wine country." Which — bonus! — is a great excuse to get drunk and drink wine all day. These two had a great time bonding up a storm until they stumbled upon a wedding, which they then decided to crash.

First of all, we hope the poor married couple whose wedding was featured in tonight's episode were paid handsomely for the trouble of having Chris + Whitney + a bunch of trolling producers with cell phones meander around their nuptials. Second of all, Chris seems to get off on petty crime/terrible fast dancing with strangers, so yes, Whitney got the date rose. And yes, they kissed. And yes, they now want to get married.

Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

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Credit: John Fleenor/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    

Chris' pool party was one part good times and one million parts epically depressing. Basically, everyone gawked at Chris' abs and then Juelia Kinney took him aside to relay the full story of how her fiancé committed suicide shortly after their child's birth. And if that wasn't intense enough, Chris then had to deal with Ashley Iaconetti having a complete emotional breakdown because Jillian Anderson and her black-box butt of mystery was his hogging time. Basically, it was a hot mess.

Who Was Sent Home?

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Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Bid auf wiedersehen to Tracy Darakis, Amber James, and Trina Scherenberg, who will have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they'll never get to live an isolated life as a farmer's wife in Iowa. You'll never get to roll around with a pig again, ladies. NEVER.

Quote of the Night

Jimmy Kimmel: "God made him the Bachelor and his divine mission is to have a lot of sex, I guess."