Credit: Lewis Jacobs/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    
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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2015 Episode 5 Recap: The Land of Enchantment

This week on Bachelor 2015, Chris Soules and his 11 remaining victims of scientific experimentation traveled to stunning Santa Fe, a magical land that made Chris feel completely at home with its Pendleton blankets and reclaimed wood.

While in the land of Breaking Bad and the Pueblos, Chris enjoyed not one but two solo dates: First, he forced poor Carly Waddell to visit a "Love Guru" (we can only imagine what her therapy bills look like after this hot mess), and then he flew around in a hot air balloon with Britt Nilsson. In other words, they enjoyed a casual near-death experience together. Frankly, we're surprised that Chris Harrison didn't pop up with a glass of champagne and try to push Britt out of the balloon as part of a "trust exercise."

Of course, the most exciting part of this episode was the group date, in which Chris stuck his remaining contestants in a raft and left them to drown in some white rapids. Shockingly, no one perished — however, Kelsey Poe did end up flopped on the ground in need of medical attention later on in the episode. We can only assume she was suffering from a bout of "WTF Am I Doing With My Life," an affliction that affects approximately 24 women every year.

Also of note, one of Chris' rejects got in a car and drove halfway across the country to see him, only to be brutally rejected. Apparently she didn't learn her lesson the last time she was broken up with on national television.

1-on-1 — Love Potion No. 69

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Please join us in a prayer circle for Carly Waddell, who was forced to practice "sexual exercises" with Chris while a perverted lady called the "Love Guru" asked them to mime out her twisted fantasies.

Despite suffering through dry-heaving as we recount this horrifying date, you should know that the following things occured: Chris changed into a free-flowing white linen dress, and Carly was forced to "play with different fruits and chocolate" all over his body. As in, she smeared a chocolate-covered strawberry on the creepy crop of stubble masquerading as a "beard" on Chris' face. Literally, never eating chocolate again. Also, in addition to stripping, Carly and Chris had to breathe into each other's mouths. It was, uhm…. absolutely terrifying.

Though she was basically robbed of her dignity, Carly managed to make it to the second half of her date — in which she and Chris sat on some Southwestern pillows, mused about Carly's intimacy problems, and kissed next to a random antler. But did she get the rose? After the NSFL (Not Safe For Life) things that occurred between these two, you better believe it.

Group Date on the Rapids — Who Got The Rose?

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Chris decided it would be fun to almost drown his lady friends this week, so he took them to the Rio Grande River for some white water rafting. There, they were informed by a crazy old man named "Sisqo" that they might be sucked under water and killed. Obviously, the closest any of these ladies has been to nature is wearing Lululemon on a "hike," so you can only imagine the fear that overcame them. In fact, Jade Roper's tiny, confused body was just like "NOPE, BYE" and fell into the water, giving itself up to the river gods. Also Jade has a condition where her body easily goes into hypothermia, which presented a great opportunity for Chris to sensually rub her feet.

Fortunately, Jade's near-death experience didn't prevent Chris from enjoying cocktail hour with his remaining non-waterlogged girlfriends. But then, Jordan Branch randomly crashed the party in a desperate attempt to win Chris back. Turns out she'd driven all the way from Colorado for a second chance, which totally failed because she was promptly rejected. Well, not promptly — first, she caused a fight between Ashley Iaconetti and Whitney Bischoff, who couldn't agree on the level at which to hate her. And said fight got way more awkward when Whitney got the group date rose.

1-on-1 — Up, Up and Away!

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Turns out Britt Nilsson has a crippling fear of heights, so naturally Chris decided to take her on a balloon ride where she was forced to stand in a tiny basket for hours. The good news is that Chris managed to resist the urge to push Britt overboard, and the better news is that she overcame her fears enough to engage in a high elevation makeout session. Win-win!

Of course, the best part of Chris and Britt's date was when Ashley I. tried to sabotage it by telling their roomies that Britt loves the single life and doesn't want to pop out babies. Meanwhile, Britt was making out with Chris in his king-sized bed and musing on how she wants a million kids, so who knows what to believe. And yes, she got a rose. Please, don't be crazy.

Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

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Jade wasn't the only Bachelor contestant who had a medical crisis this week, friends. Kelsey Poe decided her relationship with Chris was "threatened," so she sauntered over to his room and told him about how her husband died suddenly in 2013 of congestive heart failure. She was then rewarded with some heavy petting, because this is Chris we're talking about.

Unfortunately, Kelsey's hang out with Chris caused her to lose her mind. Like, the poor thing had a total breakdown when Chris announced that he was canceling the rose ceremony — as in, she flopped onto the ground wailing while some poor ABC employee was like, "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, EVEN?"

Who Was Sent Home?

No one, because this rose ceremony elimination is a two-parter, suckas! The Land of Enchantment? More like THE LAND OF BROKEN DREAMS.

Quote of the Night

Megan gives us a history lesson: "I never figured out why they called it New Mexico instead of Old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico? Oh.