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Credit: Matthew Putney/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    

The Bachelor

Bachelor 2015 Episode 7 Recap: I Heart Iowa

The time has finally come for Bachelor 2015 Chris Soules to take his gaggle of sister-wives to his native land: a magical place called Arlington, Iowa, filled with approximately zero people and a bunch of corn. And, quite possible, children of the corn.

Here, in this tropical paradise, one lucky lady will get the chance to shovel manure, become BFF with a pig, and occasionally have her field plowed by Chris when he isn't busy plowing actual fields. In other words, we're all so blessed.

It goes without saying that this week's activities were close to Chris' heart, and the dates were nothing short of dreamy. Let's see, first Chris let Jade Roper explore his hometown, and they basically spent their entire day standing in a corn field doing absolutely nothing. Like, maybe a crow flew by? Maybe an old man died off camera, bringing the population down to 10? Who knows.

Next, Chris took Whitney Bischoff on a trip to the bustling metropolis that is Des Moines and forced her to interact with his friends, who shockingly weren't over the age of 80. Of course, then there was the group date, in which three ladies went ice skating and tons of Tonya Harding-style drama ensued.

Also, it should be noted that Chris didn't start any dates this week until he sent Megan Bell home during the rose ceremony. Please keep her in your prayers.


Jade Roper Goes To Arlington, Cries Internally

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Credit: Matthew Putney/ABC Television Group © 2015 Disney    

As we've already established, Arlington is basically a wasteland full of suicidal farm animals and old men who shuck corn all day. Like, Chris literally spent part of this episode talking to a cow named Bessie. So you can only imagine Jade's horror when Prince Farming gave her the tour of the town, which took five seconds and involved Chris showing Jade some cows. He actually introduced her to cows, you guys.

Fortunately, she seemed slightly less ready to throw herself off a bridge when Chris whisked her away to a high school football game and introduced her to his parents. Chris' mom and pop were thrilled to meet Jade (presumably because they were happy to see another human being) and they chatted up a storm before the Bachelor gave his princess a tour of his high school. Sigh, we can only assume this day will go down in the annals Arlington history, and probably be celebrated as a public holiday where the mailman takes off work. LOL, just kidding. As if there's a mailman here.

Whitney Bischoff Goes To Des Moines, Also Cries Internally

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Dreams do come true! After signing up to be on The Bachelor for the travel perks (we assume), Whitney was swept away to the gorgeous city of Des Moines, a place that's nationally known for its breathtaking beauty. While strolling around the city arm-in-arm, Chris and Whitney took photos of themselves kissing, sat next to some random body of water, and generally frolicked about like two crazy kids in love. Oh, and then Whitney chatted about her unusual family situation (she doesn't have parents), and Chris rewarded her with a giant mural of them kissing. So basically, Bachelor producers vandalized a public building. We expect Chris Harrison to be arrested any day now.

Anyway, apparently Chris has some friends in Des Moines, and a bunch of them sat Whitney down for a grill session, in which they asked probing questions like whether she's on The Bachelor for the right reasons. Honestly, she should have just handed them a copy of Sean Lowe's book. It has all the answers they could ever need.

Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

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Credit: ABC video still    

You know how Chris' ladies typically spend their time trapped at a hotel trying not to die of boredom? Well, this week, the Bachelor's victims managed to escape Chris Harrison's clutches and made their way to Arlington to check out their man's digs.

Obviously, their reaction was sheer, unadulterated horror. In fact, the girl who was most horrified by Arlington's "small town charm" was Britt Nilsson, who spent most of this episode hysterical at the mere thought of spending more than five seconds in the place. Naturally, this caused Carly Waddell to collapse into a hate spiral — by which we mean she drew Britt 's face on her hand, and started talking to it like a ventriloquist. It was… well, completely terrifying.

Oh, and in other news, Jade told Carly that she posed nude for Playboy. Good times!

Group Date Ice Skating — Who Got the Rose?

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Credit: ABC video still    

You know what's romantic? Ice hockey. Which is why Chris took Britt Nilsson, Carly Waddell, and Kaitlyn Bristowe to an empty arena and forced them to skate around together. It goes without saying that this was the most awkward interaction ever, and several dramatic things happened. First, Britt told Chris all about how much she loved Arlington (lies!), prompting Carly to take him aside and announce that she's faking it. Dun, dun, dunnnnn.

Poor Chris was super bummed out about Britt's true colors, and decided to give Kaitlyn the group date rose to show her that she's still his main squeeze. Unfortunately this prompted Britt to have a complete and total meltdown — first she nodded her head angrily while sinister music played in the background, then she told Chris and her fellow sister wives that she was "confused and really really hurt," and then she threatened to leave. All in all, it was hugely awkward and horrible for everyone involved, but mostly us.

Who Went Home?

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Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Just Megan Bell tonight, you guys. You'll have to tune in tomorrow night at 8 p.m. ET to find out who Chris sends home during the rose ceremony, or you can treat yourself to a spoiler by clicking here.

Quote of the Night

Arlington: "Where hills and prairie meet."

NOPE. NOPE. NOPPPPPPE.