Last night, we got ‘60s songs and Brit Pop from our Fab Five. Tonight, we get Carrie Underwood, and according to Ryan Seacrest, a double dose of Coldplay. Which frankly seems a little excessive (no offense, Coldplay), but okay, we’ll take it.

So apparently tonight the contestants will be coming out one by one to get their results. Joshua Ledet’s first up, and wow, they’re not wasting any time tonight. Jimmy Iovine says: Joshua’s performance of “To Love Somebody” was the best performance on Idol this year and there’s no way Joshua won’t be safe tonight. Ryan chats Joshua up after Jimmy’s segment, and Joshua says the sort of album he’d put out is one that touches people. Oh, okay. Anyway, he’s safe, duh.

This week’s Ford commercial is set in Narnia in the summertime, or something. Joshua has an eyepatch and Hollie Cavanagh has a gold glittery guitar. Whatever!

Coldplay time! There are paint splatters and graffiti on everything, including Chris Martin’s shirt and his piano. We wonder if Colton Dixon’s at home crying that he’s missing this. The performance is very nice. It’s Coldplay — if you’ve ever seen or heard Coldplay, you know exactly what it’s like.

Oh, okay, apparently the contestants AREN’T getting their results individually, because now Phillip Phillips and Hollie are up. Hmm, maybe they’re going to make Joshua choose who’s safe or something equally annoying. Jimmy says: Hollie killed “River Deep, Mountain High” and was neutral on “Bleeding Love” and will therefore be safe this week, and Phillip did two very bland songs and deserves to be in the Bottom 2. And yet... Hollie’s in the Bottom 2, and Phillip’s safe. Not really surprising.

Carrie Underwood, y’all! She looks insanely gorgeous in a white goddess dress, and she has a thunderstorm up on the screen behind her. If you like Carrie Underwood, you probably loved this. If you don’t, you might’ve been bored. One of those possibilities applies to us. Carrie gets a standing ovation from the judges, who we just noticed are all in shades of black and gray. Also, tickets for her tour go on sale on May 11, FYI!

After the break, Skylar Laine and Jessica Sanchez are called up for their results. Jimmy says: Skylar’s a fighter but he wasn’t thrilled with either of her performances, and while Jessica’s “You Are So Beautiful” was beautiful, her Tina Turner performance was “a travesty.” He also goes on for a while about Jessica’s “too-racy” styling, which isn’t necessarily inaccurate but is uncomfortable for everyone, so thanks, Jimmy! Back on stage, Jessica’s safe, which means Skylar’s in the Bottom 2.

More Coldplay. It’s so weird that they’re performing twice! It’s very nice. Again. It seems like the sort of thing that’s probably way more exciting if you’re there. There’s massive amounts of confetti at the end, falling all over Coldplay and also all over Skylar and Hollie, neither of whom look particularly festive. Man, by the time we get to the finale, the winner standing under falling confetti isn’t even going to be impressive — Idol’s going nuts with the confetti this season! They even dumped it on Lana Del Rey when she sang us her lullaby “Video Games.”

After the break, Randy Jackson says this is the best Top 5 ever. All five of the Top 5 look like they want to die. Jennifer Lopez says how great they all were last night. Steven Tyler says something incomprehensible. And the person going home tonight is... Skylar. Boo. She and Hollie hug for about 10 minutes, and Skylar gives a FABULOUSLY fierce sing-out of “Gunpowder and Lead.” We’re going to miss her.

Actually, we miss her already.

What did you think of tonight’s results? Did America get it right?

 

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