Credit: Michael/Becker/FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: American Idol Season 11 Top 24 Contestants

Oh yay, guys, a two-hour results show! This isn’t going to be painful at all! No, we’re not being sarcastic, whatever do you mean?

In all seriousness, though, this probably will be painful, because tonight we’re losing half of the contestants in one quick, brutal cut. Who will stay? Who will go? Most importantly, will there be a deliciously cheesy group performance?

Over 33 million votes came in over the past two nights. That’s not really that many, when you consider they’re spread across 25 contestants. Just saying.

Okay, so first we’re looking at the guys, and our first three up are Jeremy Rosado, Phillip Phillips, and Chase Likens. Our boyfriend Phil had better be safe! Ahem, sorry. We get a recap of everyone’s performances with Jimmy Iovine (oh jeez, we’d forgotten about him) weighing in. He doesn’t seem to think Jeremy has the required It Factor to be a star, he’s unimpressed by Chase, and he loooooves Phillip. The judges console Jeremy, and Ryan congratulates Phillip on being fabulous.

Jeremy is not in the Top 10. Chase is not in the Top 10. Our boyfriend Phillip is the first one sent to the Stools of Safety! Yay, boyfriend!

Jessica Sanchez, Hollie Cavanagh, Brielle Von Hugel, and Hallie Day are up next. We’re guessing Jessica and either Hollie or Hallie will go through. Jimmy Iovine thinks Hollie has potential, that Brielle made a poor song choice, that Hallie is good but one of many blondes on the show (deep stuff, Jimmy!), and that Jessica “has talent from A to Z.”

Brielle is not in the Top 10. Neither is Hallie, but Jessica and Hollie both are, and they get to join Phillip on the Stools of Safety!

Next to get results: Adam Brock, Heejun Han, and Joshua Ledet. Team Heejun! Let’s see what Jimmy has to say about these dudes. Jimmy’s looking forward to working with Joshua, thinks that Adam needs to combine his inner large black woman and his outer white guy better, and he pretty much hates Heejun. “This isn’t American Comedian,” he says. Watch it, Iovine, that’s our boy. Ha, Ryan asks Heejun what he thinks about what Jimmy had to say about “America’s best comedian” and Heejun goes “who?” Love!

Credit: Michael BeckerFOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: Skylar Laine Performs Before the Judges on February 29, 2012

Joshua is... in the Top 10! Well-deserved. And so is Heejun! Jimmy Iovine is probably shaking his fist somewhere. Oh well. Adam’s going to have to sweat it out and see if he gets a wildcard slot.

Back to the girls, and we’ve got Shannon Magrane, Skylar Laine (who is well over a foot shorter than Shannon, it looks hilarious), Baylie Brown, and Chelsea Sorrell. Our guesses: Shannon and Skylar go through. Jimmy weighs in: He would’ve voted for Skylar, predicts doom for Baylie, calls Chelsea’s performance “Carrie Underwood karaoke,” and likes Shannon, even if she “could use some help in the styling department.” Shannon’s the first one through to the Top 13, followed quickly by Skylar. Baylie and Chelsea are sent back to the couches.

Aaron Marcellus, Creighton Fraker, and Reed Grimm are the next to learn their fate. Out of these three, we guess we’d pick... Aaron? Jimmy says: Reed was way too kitschy and cabaret, Aaron was cheesy, and he “didn’t love” Creighton. Ouch. The judges and Ryan all conference about Jimmy being too harsh, then we learn that Aaron is not in the Top 10. Neither is Creighton... and neither is Reed! Well, that was anticlimactic.

Next on the agenda: Elise Testone, Erika Van Pelt, Haley Johnsen, and Jen Hirsh. Out of these girls, our guess is Elise, who by the way is looking pretty cute in a big floppy hat. Jimmy’s opinions: Jen used too many vocal pyrotechnics and not enough soul, Erika “can go all the way,” Haley sang out of tune the entire song, and Elise has a lot of character.

Okay, here we go. Haley is not in the Top 10. Erika is not in the Top 10. So there’s one spot left for one of the girls who sang “One and Only.” And the last girl in the Top 10 is... Elise!

Time to finish things up with the boys. DeAndre Brackensick, Eben Franckewitz, Colton Dixon, and Jermaine Jones are up. They look hilarious standing there in a row — Jermaine is the size of any two of the others put together, and he’s also the only one not about to throw up. Our guess: Colton and Eben will go through. Or maybe Colton and Jermaine. Definitely Colton, anyway.

Credit: Michael Becker/FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co. Photo: American Idol Contestant Elise Testone Performs on February 29, 2012

Jimmy’s got some thoughts on these four: He loves Jermaine’s voice and is glad the judges brought him back, he believes DeAndre has potential but picked a song that was too much for him, he thinks Eben isn’t quite ready for prime time, and he says that Colton could “really win this thing” if he paces himself. Colton says “wow” about 10 times after hearing Jimmy’s praise.

DeAndre is not in the Top 10. Colton is in the Top 10, although Ryan fakes him out with a “you are not... going to be disappointed tonight”! That leaves Jermaine and Eben waiting — the Biggest Idol and the Littlest, aw. And it’s Jermaine! Huh. We thought for sure Eben would have the Biebs Factor working for him.

Six people will get the chance to sing now, and then the judges will choose their three wildcards. First up: Jen Hirsh, singing “Oh Darlin’,” which is definitely a better choice for her than the Adele song was last night. The judges are positive, but fairly non-committal.

Next is Jeremy Rosado, who sings Carrie Underwood’s “I Know You Won’t” and sounds pretty nice on it, even if it seems like an odd song choice. He tears up at the end, and J.Lo’s crying, too. “I believe in this kid,” she says.

Brielle is the next person to get a shot, and she’s singing “Someone Like You” and — huh, are Jermaine and Jessica cuddling while she sings? Okay, never mind, weird camera angle. We thought we’d found an unlikely romance. Brielle is screaming her way through this song. Ouch. The judges pretty much tell her she’s toast. Double ouch.

Next is DeAndre, who chooses “George On My Mind.” It’s much better than his performance from Tuesday — he has a few wobbly notes, but overall it’s pretty strong. The judges love it. Jen says she’s “feeling the fire” from everybody.

It’s Erika Van Pelt’s turn, and she picks “The Edge of Glory.” Just like DeAndre (and most of the singers tonight, actually), this is a much better choice for her than her previous performance. She’s obviously emotional, but it works, and she sounds great. Our favorite performance so far, definitely. “Out of the park, baby, out of the park,” Steven gushes.

The last person to get a chance at a wildcard slot is... Reed! Huh, we figured Eben might get another chance. We guess Colton’s filling the teen heartthrob role all by himself. Reed picks “Use Me” by Bill Withers and... well, it’s a little crazy, but it’s definitely the most entertaining performance we’ve seen tonight. “You’re probably one of the most different artists we’ve ever had,” Randy says.

Before we get any further, our guesses for the three wildcard picks: Erika, Reed, and... DeAndre.

The first pick, by Randy, is Erika! Yay! We definitely want to see more of her, and so far we’re going well with our guesses. The second pick, by Jen, is Jeremy — oh, we should’ve seen that coming. And finally, Steven’s choice is DeAndre, who starts massively freaking out.

So that’s our show, and our Top 13: DeAndre Brackensick, Hollie Cavanagh, Colton Dixon, Heejun Han, Jermaine Jones, Skylar Laine, Joshua Ledet, Shannon Magrane, Phillip Phillips, Jeremy Rosado, Jessica Sanchez, Elise Testone, and Erika Van Pelt. Next week: the boys sing Stevie, the girls sing Whitney, and Mary J. Blige whips them all into shape.

So what did you think of tonight’s show? Did your faves make it through, and were you happy with the wildcard picks? Let us know!

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