This week on Cycle 17, Tyra pitted her modelstants against each other and forced them to “play judge” during the mini-challenge. Let the ugly-crying commence! After a few drekitude meltdowns, the ladies were released from prison and got an opportunity to mingle amongst the locals. Sadly, a night of partying prevented the models from being on their A-game during their photo-challenge, where they had to dress up as Olympians with hangovers.
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and the judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser. Toga, toga!
Ranking: 10, Miss J
This week in the sartorial adventures of ANTM’s favorite cross-dresser, Miss J wore an earth toned caveman toga, a braided human hair head-band, ankle garters and loafers. Then, she was forced to witness the modelstants fight during faux judgement, at which point she became so distressed that she resorted to holding hands with some of them. Don’t worry, antibiotics were prescribed shortly after contamination.
Speaking of contamination, we just saw so much of Miss J’s thigh that this entire episode is officially NSFW.
Ranking: 9, Tyra Banks
Another day, another set of robot noises. At this point Tyra can’t get through an episode without busting out random nonsense, which just furthers our theory that she’s computerized. In fact, she got Andre and Nigel confused at the judges table, and that’s not a mistake that a human would have made.
Ranking: 8, Dominique
Clearly, Dominique is missing the fruit of her lady looms, because she busted out her inner MILF all over an unsuspecting Angelea. After all the other models showed their sisterly solidarity and said they wouldn’t send anyone home, Dom-Dom straight up called out Angelea on how hard she sucks and then tearfully cried to mother her.
Perhaps this is why she was sent packing, because as far as we’re concerned her photo was the best of the bunch — despite the fact that she almost impaled Nigel Murray with her javelin.
Ranking: 7, Nigel Barker
Poor Nigel once again had to socialize with the plebes, which gave him the perfect opportunity to show off his biceps while throwing a discus. Rewind! Meanwhile, Nigel seems to be having an existential crisis about his identity and the identity of everyone around him. We’ll get back to you next week, but right now we would categorize him as “unstable.”
Ranking: 6, Andre Leon Talley
We knew this day would come: Andre’s spirit has been crushed. This week he was wearing neither his poncho nor his rice paddy hat — in fact, he wasn’t even wearing his jaunty boating fedora.
Of course it’s possible that Tyra broke into Andre’s dressing room and stole all his men’s wear (her addiction is really getting out of hand), but we think he just doesn’t want to bother. Even his critiques have been lackluster. During judement he complained because the dress Laura was wearing was “too stretchy.”
Ranking: 5, Angelea
Called: Bottom two
All the ladies ganged up on Angelea during fake judgement, and shockingly she didn’t handle the pressure with as much grace and ease as Lady Tyra. Angelea busted out her hood bitch, gave her sista friends a big eff you and told them to suck it. Actually, we believe her exact phrase was, “ya’ll dumb a** b*tches.”
Miss J’s delicate ears are still recovering from such foul language. Luckily, Angelea managed to pump herself up by quoting the lyrics to her own song, “I ain’t goin’ no where.” Don’t worry, Angelea: We’ll never try to “psychologize” you again.
Ranking: 4, Lisa
Lisa was full of surprises this week! First of all, she can add “fashionista” to her many jester hats, because we were truly impressed by her deconstructed toga. Was it a sheet? A turtleneck? A left over piece of cloth from Andre’s monk robes? Who knows, but we loved it.
Second of all, Lisa managed to be around copious amounts of liquor while staying stone cold sober –– yet she still acted like the biggest drunken slob at the party. That takes skills. Call us crazy, but we think Lisa could win this thing.
Ranking: 3, Allison
Sigh, Allison’s wearing fake animals as clothing again, guys. Last week it was that giant dog head, and this week she attached a plastic swan to her scalp and called it a hat. Girl, you are not Bjork.
Poor Allison seems to be having a rough time adapting to Greece, especially since all the rest of the models think she’s the weakest link. Have they been sniffing Tyra glue? Home girl’s won almost all of the challenges! Alison managed to wow about half the judges as a sexy discus thrower, but the fear in her doe-eyes was palpable.
Ranking: 2, Laura
Called: 1st, mini-challenge winner
Watch out guys, Laura got “mad” this week. By which we mean she sounded even more excited and peppy than usual, and broke down in a fit of weeping because she accidentally yelled at Angelea. To make a bad day worse, Laura had to confront her fear of water. That’s right, girl is scared of her own tears. Perhaps this explains the fact that she got wasted drunk on Greek strawberry shots at a club.
Despite being hungover, Laura brought her A-game during the photo-challenge where she had a chance to wield a bow and arrow! Apparently, her family uses these bad boys to kill rodents and eat them, so obviously she won.
Ranking: 1, Random Street Donkey
Who else wants this folksy mule to take the title of All Star?
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