Do you smell that? Oh, it’s just the stench of fear combined with the America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars’ signature scents. That’s right: this week on Cycle 17, Episode 7, the model-estants headed into Tyra’s perfume lab and concocted their very own “signature” fragrances. Apparently, the best place to launch a perfume is in a bath, so the ladies hopped in their own rooftop tubs for a quick challenge. After getting wet n’ wild, they booked it to their photo-shoot, where they had to pose as either Jersey Shore’s Snooki or Real Housewives of Atlanta star NeNe Leaks.
BTW, this was a double elimination, haters!
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and the judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser.
Ranking: 14, Shannon
Called: bottom three
After stuffing angel wings and halos into a bottle and calling it “Smitten,” Shannon got her Snooki on. Considering that Snooki spends her weekends binge-eating pistachios, getting wasted, and dry-humping her friends, you can guess how the photo-shoot went.
Ranking: 13, Dominique
Dominique was completely unmemorable tonight, but don’t blame her. She’s probably still recovering from those balloon pants last week. Luckily, she made up for it by donning a giant, woven poncho for the judges table. We know Domino’s a mom now, but girl. Get your head in the game.
Ranking: 12, Angelea
716 must be on vay-cay in the hood, because Angelea was a total snooze this week! Where is the biatch bank teller we’ve come to know and love? Angelea didn’t swear at anyone, she didn’t cry, and she didn’t even wax poetic about the Jackson family.
Ranking: 11, Lisa
Called: 1st, Granted Immunity
Lisa named her signature perfume “Neon,” but we think she should have gone with “The Color of Desperation.” This week, she strutted her stuff as NeNe Leaks, made an awkward racial joke that probably should have been edited out, and managed not to spread her legs during her photo-shoot. We’ll give her a B+.
Ranking: 10, Nigel Barker
Poor Nigel had to witness the model-estants frolicking in bathtubs while they launched their perfume. At least he got splashed by an unexpected shower of bath water, tears and sweat.
Ranking: 9, Alexandria
Alexandria got on Bianca’s bad side during this episode, but clearly Bianca hasn’t seen the many facets of her personalities. Our favorite? The Alexandria who chose to name her fragrance “Diamondatrix” and then spent the entire episode finger-wagging at Jay.
Ranking: 8, Kayla
Kayla literally can’t stop saying the word “free.” Look, we know one of Tyra’s branding friends assigned the word to her, but it doesn’t mean she needs to drop it in every sentence. Now that Kayla’s eliminated, she’s free to pursue a new career.
Ranking: 7, Tyra Banks
Thank god Tyra stripped off the suspenders. Sadly, she replaced them with a leather corset. Thank goodness Ty-Ty made up for her egregious fashion failures with a truly inspirational quote: “So, the fire. It’s in the room.” What would we do without her words of wisdom?
Ranking: 6, Allison
Allison fell victim to Suspenders Syndrome this week, and she seems to have caught a nasty case of Fedora-itis as well. Things went from bad to worse when Ali channeled Snooki for the challenge. Home girl is so the opposite of a meatball.
Ranking 5, Jay Manuel:
Jay had to witness Bianca deep-throat a pickle while dressed up as Snooki. You can send him condolence cards at 1234 My Eyes Our Burning St., Los Angeles, CA.
Ranking: 4, Bianca
So, Bianca threatened to kill Alexandria. Girl, we get it –– but keep the death threats to your burn book. In other news, Bianca decided to become a feminist this week and refused to sit in a bathtub to sell her perfume because it denigrates women. Biatch, don’t you know that’s Kayla’s jam? To cap off a great episode, Bianca ordered pickles for her shoot only to have them confiscated by Jay Manuel because of how NC-17 they were.
Ranking: 3, Laura
You guys, Laura is so excited. Honestly, we’re pretty sure she’d be jumping up and down in ecstasy even if she were sent home. We’ve never seen someone more thrilled by perfume. And don’t even get us started on the pure joy she expressed at the prospect of dressing like NeNe. Girlfriend brought the “hooker boobs” like woah. As NeNe would say, “Real high, nipples to the sky.”
Ranking 2, Andre Leon Talley
Andre came back from his imaginary trip to the rice paddy fields of Vietnam and decked himself out in a suit. Sadly, his plebeian attire seems to have numbed his normally vivacious personality. But, since we love him so much, we can’t bear to put him in the bottom ten.
Ranking 1, Kathy Griffin
Tyra might be the queen of Top Model Land, but it’s Kathy’s house now. Not only did she “take over” Tyra’s hosting gig, but she made brutal fun of the home-court diva, talking about how drunk she was. Watch your back, Kathy. We recommend you test all Vodka Redbulls for poison. Ty-Ty can be vengeful.