Move over, Courtney Stodden — there’s a a new fleet of D-List songstresses in the pumpkin patch! This week on Cycle 17, Episode 8, the modelstants were tasked with writing songs about their lives. Prepare for an emotional roller-coaster, filled with purple lipstick, tears and vocoders. The twist? The all-stars got to make music videos in hopes of going “viral,” which were directed by The Game...and co-stared Tyra, of course. God forbid she let them have a moment in the spotlight without her “tooching” her booty all over the place.
Oh, and winner had a loved one flown in for a conjugal visit!
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and the judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser.
Ranking: 12, Shannon
We’re seriously in love with how in love Shannon is with love. Shannon’s song was about her own relationship, and her brief foray into rapping was nothing short of amazing. Jealous much, Kanye? After weeks of playing it safe and demure, it’s great to see Shannon finally spread her angel wings and let loose. Today, rap attacks; next week, sexy lingerie. It’s all happening, people!
And no — it did not escape us that whatever freshman film majors edited this video turned Shannon’s head upside down during the lyrics “you make my world go round.” Well done.
Ranking: 11, Laura
Oh, Laura. So tone deaf... yet so adorable. Lala was totally channeling Taylor Swift in her video, in which she flailed around on a bed and played with a teddy bear while writing in her diary. If only we could have seen the entry. We imagine it would have gone something like this: “Dear journal. Today, Tyra pushed me over for no reason again. What am I doing wrong?”
Ranking: 10, Dominique
Is it just us, or was Dominique working some major J.Lo vibes this week? If she’s not careful, she’s going to end up starring in a terrible movie, reinventing herself, and divorcing a Latin heartthrob. As the mysterious accompanying male vocal in the background said: “Tooch, tooch, tooch your booty girl.”
The judges loved Dominique’s performance, yet seemed to have trouble deciding whether she was more of a Beyonce, a Jenny From The Block or a “Latin.” A conundrum indeed.
Ranking 9, Jay Manuel:
This week, Jay sported a perky fedora atop his silver head –– which we can only assume protected him from Tyra’s giant, free-flying pig tails. He also had the daunting task of convincing the models that their videos would “go viral” –– much like Rebecca Black’s. Because all aspiring musicians want to be compared to the legend behind “Friday.”
Ranking: 8, Alexandria
This week, Alexandria slicked back her hair, rubbed herself all over (and violated) the hood of a car, and wrote a self-described masterpiece about her life’s journey. Her lyrics? “Go, go, go.” We couldn’t have said it better.
Even the Game could barely handle the emotional stress of dealing with her. Poor Alex, she gets such a bad rap ‘round here. Which reminds us –– she should never be allowed to rap. At least Alexandria’s bringing purple lipstick back. Hello, middle school!
Ranking: 7, Angelea
Angelea’s music video mostly consisted of her finger wagging in front of a wicker fence and throwing around the B-word while Tyra fist pumped next to some graffiti that had clearly been sprayed by one of her interns. Her poetic lyrics included gems like, “You know? Sometimes I hate being misunderstood. But at the end of the day? I don’t care what a hater have to say. I’m that bitch.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Even though the judges were less than impressed, we really appreciate that Angelea seems to have tapped into her inner feminist with this little doozie. Somewhere, Kayla is shedding a tear and singing “Free Bird.”
Ranking: 6, Lisa
Called: 2nd, mini-challenge winner
Hey guys, did you notice that Lisa was absent this week? It’s because her alternate personality, La Puchinetta, has finally taken full control of her body and turned her into a rap star. Lisa’s music video was truly inspired, with lyrics like “Might have skipped class, but I laugh last / Suicide doors, of course, but their twist top, bitch.” The judges were blown away by Lisa’s performance –– even Andre busted a move! But we miss the good ol’ days before Lisa was a rap star. That’s right, we got 99 problems and La Puchinetta is one.
Oh, and in other news: Lisa’s engaged. Her fiance visited her this week and surprisingly (aside from a chintee), he’s totally normal. Go figure.
Ranking: 5, Tyra Banks
Join us on a terrifying walk through Tyra’s drekitude this week on America’s Next Top Model. Who knows if it was the fact that she was wearing a giant pig-tailed weave, or the fact that she somehow convinced Keenan Cahill to let her booty tooch him –– but Queen Tyra was in top form.
Ty-Ty popped up in every single one of her minion’s music videos rocking a “Pot Ledom” shirt and making crazy faces at the camera. Yep, you guessed it –– she literally forced the all-stars to include her personal catch-phrase in their song. If one of these ladies is going viral, Tyra is going viral with them.
Ranking: 4, Andre Leon Talley
Andre’s boating hat is back, haters! We feel terrible that our personal muse had to suffer through watching all these videos. He literally couldn’t cope with the amount of drek. In the words of Angelea’s song, we feel Andre’s “struggle and pain. You ain’t going no where.” Oh wait, yes you are. SOB!
Ranking: 3, Madison The YouTube Sensation: Yay! Tyra managed to convince one of her 5th grade child friends to give the top models a brief make up tutorial! We love it when Tyra brings her classmates into the top model mansion.
Ranking: 2, Game
Game seems to have developed a crush on Alison. And when we say crush, we mean he’s full-on obsessed with her. He literally couldn’t contain himself during her video, to the point where he had to clutchNigel’s shoulder to steady himself. Then he said that she was the “most weirdly beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire life” and declared that he was “attracted to her.” Best. Couple. Ever.
Expect them to be announcing their 72-day marriage any second now. Hey, opposites attract!
Ranking: 1, Allison
Allison spent her entire vid batting her doe-eyes at the camera and clutching a small, sad bunny rabbit doll. It might be time to parse through the lyrics of her song for greater meaning: “Father, sister, mother, father sinking standing over water.” Sounds deep. Because it is. Apparently, Ali’s song is about her father’s death a year ago, and it brought up a lot of emotions.
Poor Allison spent most of the episode wrapped up in faux fur, withering at the camera and crying because she had to include “pot ledom” in her song. Way to ruin Alison’s ode to her father, Tyra. Oh well, at least the Game liked it. By which we mean he’s still happy-crying.
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