America’s Next Top Model is back for Cycle 17: All-Stars, but this time ‘round there’s a twist! These fan favorites modelstants have already walked the walk and talked the talk –– but do they have the “celebrity factor”?
ln their second elimination challenge with guest judge Ashlee Simpson, the All-Stars learned how to brand themselves and then created their their very own wiener at famous L.A. hot dog joint, Pink’s! Obviously, this rendered the entire episode kinda NSFW, and likely aroused several thousand perverted tweens. (You know, all those straight male tweens that watch ANTM.)
The modelstants also fell victim to the dreaded makeover, which obviously means one of them is going home full of sausage, sobbing and possibly bald.
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser.
Ranking: 17, Isis
Only two word comes to mind when we think of Isis’ photo-shoot: Deep Throat. We’re pretty sure her hardcore pic could win a soft-core food porn contest. Surprise, surprise, Tyra loved it.
Ranking: 16, Sheena
Sheena proved that she’s a candidate for biggest diva of the season when she refused to let Miss J’s magic hands touch her luscious locks –– but then he said “Girl, you know I’m as full of s***t as a Christmas turkey,” and she ended up having the best day ever. Well, until she was sent home.
Ranking: 15, Lisa
When Lisa got her branding review, it was revealed that the American public thinks she’s untrustworthy. We think it has something to do with her penchant for dressing up in tie die (no one trusts a hippie). Lisa won over the judges when she nestled her hot dog in a pile of shredded lettuce and call it “the skinny little bitch.” And this got her first place? ‘Cause all we see is drek.
Ranking: 14, Bianca
Bianca was none too happy when Camille and Dominique gossiped about her, so she warned everyone to “put the caution around her bed because she’s about to go off.” Watch out Nikki Blonsky! Also, apparently, Bianca is to extensions as the rest of the girls are to weaves. Her analogy, not ours.
Ranking: 13, Alexandria
We’re worried about Alexandria. Everyone hates her and she’s one bitch slap away from having a nervous breakdown. Alex spent most of this episode talking about sticking imaginary knives in her heart and then started happy-crying because she got a good haircut. Sigh, why do we get the feeling a trip to the Top Model Psych Ward is in her future?
Ranking: 12, Dominique
Dominique’s makeover turned her into a major glamazon, but she looked like she was shoving sausage up her nose in her photo of the week. Haute couture or haute dog mess? One thing’s for sure: We’re never going to Pink’s again.
Ranking: 11, Bre
Poor Bre is Tyra’s chosen one, meaning she was the unfortunate model who had her head shaved. Of course, this led to sobbing in a bathroom and Bre making threats to quit the entire show, but she ended up bouncing back after deciding to “be a girlfriend to herself.” Sounds dirty, but then again we have hot dogs on the brain.
Ranking: 10, Camille
Camille struggled with her photoshoot this week, and we think it’s because she was dressed in the color of mustard. How is she supposed to stand out when she looks like a sexy condiment? Luckily, Hee-Haw Laura swooped in to give her some advice on how to rub meat all over her body whilst looking sexy.
Ranking: 9, Nigel Barker
Poor Nigel. Just as we were getting used to his curly hair, someone made the mistake of handing Tyra a buzzer so she could shave it all off. Don’t these people know that like most young kids, Tyra shouldn’t be allowed near anything sharp?
Ranking: 8, Allison
At this point, we’re convinced that if it came to a twee-off between Allison and Zoey Deschanel, Allison would win hands down. If only they had given her a unicorn to perch atop during her makeover –– it would really have completed the effect.
Ranking: 7, Kayla
You guys, being gay is so 2005. Tyra’s branding expert says so. Poor Kayla was transported back to her sexually confuzzled pre-teen self when Tyra’s minions stripped her of her lesbian identity in order to be “free.” In the words of Laura: “How do you make a hot dog gay and lesbian and free?”
Ranking: 6, Ashlee Simpson
Ashlee Simpson supervised the modelstants’ makeovers, which raised some serious red flags considering that she chose to dress herself like Rod Stewart for the day.
Ranking: 5,Tyra Banks
We’ve been waiting 17 cycles for Tyra to go bat-crazy and kill someone during judging, but little did we know her first victim would be Nigel Barker’s luscious locks. What was scarier, Tyra whipping out clippers from under the table, or the look on Nigel’s face and she came at him from across the table?
Ranking: 4, Laura
We barely saw Laura this episode! She must have taken an impromptu trip backstage to milk a few cows. Of course, when it came to chowing down on hot dogs, Laura didn’t disappoint. Girlfriend probably ate them for breakfast, lunch and dinner over in the Hee-Haw backwoods where she’s from.
Ranking: 3, Shannon
Shannon might be the resident good girl, but there was nothing virginal about the way she worked that hot dog.
Ranking: 2, Angelea
According to Tyra’s expert, when people think about Angelea, cheap shoes come to mind. Clearly, they’re getting her confused with Jessica Simpson. Don’t worry Angie, your new brunette locks transport you from straight from the 716 to the 212.
Ranking 1, Andre Leon Talley
Andre didn’t do anything note-worthy this week, but his mere God-like presence is enough to land him in our number one spot. We would eat, like, twenty thousand hot dogs if it meant this fashion icon would tell us we’re ugly.