This week on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17: All-Stars, Tyra put her modelstants knowledge to the test and forced them to start a blog for the Editor-in-Chief of Vogue Italia, Franca Sozzani!
Obviously Allison’s had plenty of experience in the blogosphere (Creepy Chan, anyone?), but we feared for the rest of our lovely whack pack! After pouring out their hearts, the ladies filmed Tyra’s cinematic interpretation (read: acid trip) of her best selling book Modelland. Two words: Pot Ledom.
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and the judges — we see you, too!) based
on their performance in the challenges, quoteable-ness, and the general wackiness that makes this show so fun to watch. Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model fixture who is at the bottom of our list.
Our Ranking Score: 8, Tyra Banks
Rank on the show: Head judge (un-ranked)
No big deal, ya’ll: Tyra’s just made herself a feature film. So what’s it about, you ask? What isn’t it about. As far as we can tell, Modelland features a girl named Tookei who lives in a galaxy far, far away, filled with pretty ladies, whipped cream and the smell of blood orange. So who is this Tookie? Oh, just all the many faces of Tyra, all up in your grill.
Tyra descended from her throne to direct this two-part masterpiece, which involved the ladies racing each other, wailing at the camera in pain, dressing up like homeless people, fondling dolls and copping a feel from Tyson Beckford. (Can’t blame her for that last part.) We have no words for the finished product because it was too beautiful to write about. Much like her winged men’s shirt and matching suspenders.
Our Ranking Score: 7, Jay Manuel
Rank on the show: Director of photo shoots (un-ranked)
Tyra was on set with Mr. Jay this week, so he chose to wear a shirt with chains and shackles printed all over it. Interpret as you will....
Our Ranking Score: 6, Nigel Barker
Rank on the show: Judge and noted fashion photographer (un-ranked)
Nigel Barker’s been headlining the cycle more than the usual amount of mini-challenges for the models, and why not? He’s sexy, he’s British and he could easily take a hungry model down if they tried to take a bite out of his bicep. This week, he instructed the ladies to put on their thinking fedoras and write a blog about their “personal perspective” on Greece. Always a slippery slope, but the ladies knocked his socks off with their tales of Grecian paradise! They’re poets and we didn’t know it!
Our Ranking Score: 5, Laura
Rank on the show: Eliminated
This week, we enjoyed some adorable flashback videos of Laura on her farm. What was cuter, watching her moo at cows, or watching and entire herd of cattle moo back at her?
Laura got the pleasure of being two versions of Tookie during Ty-Ty’s movie: Dumpster Diving Tookie and Whipped-Cream Guzzling Tookie. Poor Laura was super excited about getting to eat mass amounts of whipped cream, but Tyra forced her to regurgitate it into a bucket, which has pretty much ruined dessert for us. Even though Laura was sent home, she’ll always be no. 1 in our hee-haw hearts!
Our Ranking Score: 4, Allison
Rank on the show: Bottom two
Not so surprisingly, Allison took to the blogging challenge like a pro. After all, she spent her formative years taking pictures of herself covered in blood and posting them online under the alter-ego Creepy Chan. Of course, blood and withering looks aren’t every editrix’ cup of tea, so Allison didn’t win the challenge. Better luck next time, Ali, you’re always a winner in our hearts!
During Tyra’s artistic motion film, Allison dressed up as Cat Woman Tookie and Blood Orange Tookie, two of our favorite versions of the Tookei-Monster. After all, who doesn’t want to watch this gal writhe around with a serious case of cat-scratch fever?
Our Ranking Score: 3, Angelea
Rank on the show: Called 2nd, mini-challenge winner
This week, Angelea proved just how hip she can be, busting out this summer’s biggest catch phrase: “Fail.” Add an “Epic” to the front of that and she’s pretty much describing our attempts to be half as hood as her.
Angelea decided to get into the blogging spirit with a quick trip to the “urban” areas of Crete (who knew?), which won her the mini-challenge! During Tyra’s movie (sorry, film), Angelea played a depressed, suicidal Tookie, a role that cut her so close to the core that she ended up actually thinking she was Tookie. Or at least that’s what we assume was going on when she looked at the camera and whispered “I’m Tookei.” We hear you, girl. We’re all Tookie up in here.
In other news, we’ve just learned that Angelea is getting a degree in broadcast journalism. So, just to recap: Hood chick ––> Bank Teller ––> Model ––> Blogger ––> Journalist.
Our Ranking Score: 2, Lisa
Rank on the show: Called 1st
Lisa was cast as Mother Tookie this week, a model with a plastic baby name Bellisima, which Lisa lovingly caressed as though it was, you know, an actual human being. As nutso as the image of Lisa nursing a Chuckie doll might sound, no one can deny how gorgeous the natural Grecian sunlight looked on her skin. She was radiant!
Sadly, we can’t say the same for her neon green pants and saucy librarian glasses. Or can we? This season of Top Model has made us question the very nature of fashion.
Our Ranking Score: 1, Tyson Beckford
Rank on the show: Guest judge and hot piece of man-meat. (Un-ranked)
Sorry, guys: Tyson can’t chat right now because he’s coaxing his thumb back to life after having Tyra suck on it like a lollipop. Either way, the 40-year-old model (yes, 40!) looked so hot that he earned the top ranking on our list.
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