How can we say this in the least offensive way possible? Oh wait, we can’t: In America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17, Episode 5 “LaToya Jackson”, the All-Stars put on what some might consider “black face.” It was for a Micheal Jackson photoshoot, and sure, some people were probably sitting at home horrified, but Tyra Banks could not give of a f***. Her game, her rules. In fact, no one was sent home this week because they were all such good Micheals.
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser.
Ranking 15, Andre Leon Talley
Andre exchanged his giant poncho for a suit this week, and it seemed like he wasn’t his usual perky self because of it. Or maybe his permanent pout was just a result of throwing up in his mouth while looking at Lisa’s picture. Thriller!
Ranking: 14, Bianca
Bianca’s bumming hard because she isn’t winning as many challenges as she had hoped. We suggest she deny herself lip gloss as self-punishment. To make matters worse, she got in a huge cat fight with Lisa and “The Christian” (Shannon) and then flipped her ish at Miss Jay while he was just like, “Girl, I am barely on this show anymore. Stop talking at me.”
Ranking: 13, Allison
So... Allison spent most of this episode with a little boy fro attached to her head. That is all.
Ranking: 12, Angelea
Called: Bottom two
Angelea received the biggest compliment of her career when Miss J said that she reminded him of his alcoholic aunt. If wandering around in a drunken stupor isn’t modeling, we don’t know what is. Angelea also seems to think a combination of LaToya, God and Micheal Jackson saved her from elimination, and maybe she’s right!
Ranking: 11, Shannon
Shannon made the mistake of organizing the mansion phone privileges and ended up crying hysterically because Bianca tried to have a conversation with her. Usually, we’re on Shannon and her panties’ side, but she was way off base with this one.
Ranking: 10, Bre
Called: 7th ; Mini-challenge co-winner
Poor Bre spent most of this episode trying to hold Bianca back from bitch slapping her haters, but once she overheard the other ladies cahooting against her sister-friend it was like, bitch please. These girls are going down to Chinatown.
Ranking: 9, Alexandria
We have no idea what’s going on with Alexandria. One week she’s crying hysterically about her hair cut, the next week she’s talking about how she’s a shark-attacker. Just enjoy the ride, guys.
Ranking: 8, Lisa
Called: Bottom two; Mini-challege co-winner
This week, Lisa yelled at Bianca, humped a carousal horse and meandered around looking like a toddler. Then she capped off a great day by dancing around stage as Micheal Jackson until some random staffer literally had to drag her off by her pacifier.
Ranking: 7, Kayla
We’re just happy Kayla didn’t swallow a handful of pills and throw up her “lunch” (read: Some lettuce leaves) again this week.
Ranking: 6, Dominique
Dom is one smart cookie. She might gossip about her fellow modelstants during interviews, but she’s sweet-as-pie in the mansion. In fact, she’s kind of boring. Throw us a nip slip or something, Smooth Criminal.
Ranking: 5, The Kardashians
The K-Dash sisters were in Top Model-land reppin’ their Sears collection and gifted the challenge winners a head-to-toe outfit from their Kollection. So basically, about fifteen dollars worth of polyester. Thanks?
Ranking: 4, Nigel Barker
Apparently Nigel is a closeted Micheal Jackson fan because he was positively Thriller-d about this challenge. He just couldn’t stop calling things “regal!” Oh, the British.
Ranking: 3, Tyra Banks
Tyra finally made it to a round of judging without wearing suspenders. But then she gave us the middle finger by wearing a fedora. Sigh, at least she dropped Micheal Jackson quotes like woah and managed not to shave LaToya Jackson’s hair.
Ranking: 2, Laura
Yep, we were wrong. We’re staring to think Laura might be high on American pride. She wanders around the Top Model mansion like she isn’t living with a bunch of broke a** b*tches, and seemed completely oblivious to Bianca and Lisa’s cat fight. If only all of us could be so dazed and confused.
Ranking: 1, Miss Jay
Miss Jay is back! Annnnnd, he spent most of the episode wearing giant rubber boots and no panties. He was also holding a fishing-pole because apparently they’re fall’s most fabulous accessory.