It’s time to get Greek chic!
This week on America's Next Top Model Cycle 17, Episode 9: “Nikos Papadaopoulos,” the modelstants took the vay-cay of a lifetime in Greece to finish up the rest of the competition. They got to collaborate with designer Michael Cinco on a dress that might just be their final runway gown (if they make it that far without suffering a nervous breakdown), and then they had to pose in a bowl of Greek Salad while wearing nothing but panties. Oh, Tyra. You’ve done it again!
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and the judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser. Toga, toga!
Ranking: 11, Shannon
So, it looks like Tyra’s sick of Shannon and her pious do-goodery, because she arranged a challenge where the models had to pose in underwear. It’s almost as if Tyra knew Shannon would refuse to do the challenge and get kicked off.... Oh wait, she did.
Shannon wouldn’t participate in the challenge because her undies (which were made to look like a swimsuit) were slightly too sexy, so she lounged around on the beach and watched her competitors get down and dirty in some salad dressing. Of course, Shannon went home –– but at least she experienced the joy of watching Laura pour olive oil into her eyes.
Ranking: 10, Tyra Banks
Frankly, we’re disappointed that Tyra didn’t show up to challenge in a toga. We really expected HRH to dress up as a God and force everyone to worship her. Instead, she appeared in yet another men’s suit and revealed her love for The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants. So that’s why Ty-Ty dragged these ladies to Greece. She wants to steal their jodhpurs!
Ranking: 9, Allison
Called: 2nd, mini-challenge winner
As usual, Allison charmed everyone’s pants off this week, and won some kind of bracelet shaped like a shackle in the mini-challenge. Wow, thanks for the reminder, Tyra. We get it –– you own them.
During the photo-challenge, Allison’s giant eyes rebelled against her and refused to open. We would be worried that she’s a vampire, but her body doesn’t sparkle and we’ve never seen her eat a raw deer.
Ranking: 8, Laura
Called: bottom two
Apparently, the entire country of Greece has a major crush on America’s Next Top Model. Mayors, politicians and random men in suits showed up to witness Laura’s welcome speech, and let’s just say it didn’t go as well as the time she deep-throated that hot dog. Poor girl could barely get her point across –– the point being that she’s a small-town gal livin’ in a lonely world.
Things went from bad to worse for Laura when she came down with a mysterious illness (we smell Tyra’s perfume all over this) and decided to pour olive oil all over her face and open eyes. Nothing’s sexier than a giant bowl of salad with a sick oily bumpkin up in it!
Ranking: 7, Miss J
Miss J has been disappointingly absent from ANTM Cycle 17, but he was let out of the institution for a quick trip to Crete. Sadly, the costume department let him dress himself again (always a mistake), and he showed up in knee-high socks, a jaunty tasseled beanie and platforms.
His mission? To tell the girls they had to write a speech with “knowledge and grace.” Well, clearly that’s not possible.
Ranking: 6, Jay Manuel
Jay prepped for Greece by tanning his legs a few shades darker than the rest of his body, which we think went great with his frosted hair. In the words of Lisa “La Puchinetta” D’Amato: “I be like, woah!”
Ranking: 5, Angelea
Move over, hood bitches: Angelea The Renaissance woman is here to stay. This week, we learned that Angelea is a self-declared “history buff” who knows all about Zeus and n’ junk. That’s right, bank tellers from the 716 can be mythology nerds too, guys.
Unfortunately, Angelea’s secret smarts weren’t enough to get her through the episode unscathed. During her photo shoot, Jay told her she had a bad “core,” which basically just meant that he thought she looked fat. (And they wonder why models have body image issues?) The comment was classily topped off with the camera dramatically zooming in on Angelea’s non-existent belly rolls.
Ranking: 4, Lisa
Back in the day, watching Lisa was almost as painful as eating cheese-less pizza, but now she’s one of our favorite of Tyra’s prisoners. Lisa classed it up big time this week by drizzling olive oil all over her assets and chest, and impressed us with her sartorial skills by asking her finale dress to be made out of twinkle lights.
While we’re convinced Lisa would look great dressed up like a Christmas tree, we’re worried she’d electrocute herself and her hair would get even bigger than it is right now.
Ranking: 3, Andre Leon Talley
Oh Em Gee, ya’ll! Andre and his rice paddy hat are back, and this week he showed up at the modelstants house in a giant monk’s robe with a bevy of hunky toga-wearing men! The purpose of this WTF-ery? To tell the ladies they’re going to Greece and throw around the word “gauche.” We love it when Andre accidentally-on-purpose uses words he knows the modelstants won’t understand.
Ranking: 2, Michael Cinco
This Filipino fashion designer has officially won our hearts. First, he straight-up told Lisa she’s tacky (nice cricket noises, ANTM editors!), and then he refused to put sparkles on Dominique’s dress for fear that she’d look like a drag queen. In short, he’s our new best friend and we want him to replace Tyra at the judge’s table as soon as possible.
Ranking: 1 , Dominique
Say what you will about Dominique, but girl knows how to roll around in a bunch of cucumbers and tomatoes and make it look hot. And don’t even get us started on the way she drizzled olive oil all over her chest while eye-sexing the camera. The men just aren’t safe with this gal around! And neither are the drag queens.
Andre gave Dominique the ultimate compliment and said she looked like Helen of Troy in a Greek Salad. If Andre wants to wrap Domino in lettuce and take a bite out of her, so do we!
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