Where’s André Leon Talley when you need him to shout “Dreckitude!”
The British gals definitely got the best of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 18, Episode 2: “Kris Jenner,” which was bizarre even by ANTM standards. Intestines, haggis, toddlers, creepy babies, crazy clowns, a gigantic curling iron burn, Kylie and Kendall Jenner dressed as Wednesday Addams, Kris Jenner feeding baby food to a model with her hand on her arse, and the debut of The Banger Sisters — three American girls who got straight hair and bangs during their makeover “shakeovers” and ended up looking nearly indistinguishable. Yeah. Not so “fan-dabi-dozi.”
In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, makeovers, quotes and all-around fascination level. Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with our Top Model loser.
Ranking: 17, Seymone (US)
Ranking on show: Bottom two
She’s the loser mostly because she got sick eating all that haggis — for nothing! Yeah, she helped the US girls win the culture clash food fight, but so what. How did that help? She’s still around, but only after a humiliating speech from Tyra Banks about how her top photo last week may have been a “fluke” and “beginner’s luck.” Thanks. Her toddler photo was a snooze — not that it was easy to find a good shot in that bizarre model/baby challenge — and unflattering since she just sat there and did nothing with her body. At the photo shoot, Jay Manuel said Seymone was beautiful but “there was a spark missing.” Summing up Seymone’s dreckitude pic, Tyra twisted her head and said “Child...” That’s not good. But Seymone’s worst show moment — even worse than the pile of haggis — was getting all drama queen at Candace because Candace dared to find her haggis sickness funny. It was pretty funny!
Ranking: 16, Mariah (US)
Rank on the show: Eliminated
Mariah — who is Native American, in case you didn’t hear her mention it every couple of minutes — never took a horrible photo but never took anything other than a bland photo either. She ended up one of The Banger Sisters, with straight hair and bangs that left her looking like a darker-haired version of Kyle. Mariah was upset at the idea of losing her long hair since, as a Native American, she likes to braid her hair and she’d feel like she was losing part of her culture. Moot point since she just got bangs, which pretty much eliminated her chance to stand out. During the creepy baby shoot, Tyra Banks was distressed by how sexy Mariah’s hold was on Kris Jenner’s legs. Kelly Cutrone liked the spookiness of Mariah’s face but Nigel Barker asked “Where’s the attitude and personality”? None. That’s why she went home. Seymone’s photo was worse but, like last week in the battle of Ashley Brown vs. now-eliminated Jasmia Robinson, personality prevailed. Guess Tyra doesn’t care that Seymone can’t take a joke.
Ranking: 15, Kyle (US)
Rank on show: Safe
Kyle took a step back, makeover-wise. Her newly lightened hair with bangs takes away some of her uniqueness and, as Ashley and Sophie noted in their double act breakdown to the cameras, makes her face look longer. She ended up looking almost exactly like Mariah and their photo was the worst of the group. She had a good shot last week as Andy Warhol but she’s only around this week because Tyra thought Mariah looked too sexy. At least Mariah had a look. Kyle’s shot was just forgettable.
Ranking: 14, Kris Jenner
Rank on the show: Guest judge (un-ranked)
“The ultimate momager" was supposedly called in to be a nurturing figure after the tough makeovers. In the creepy photo shoot, she posed as mother to all the “toddlers.” Jay described the shoot as “The Kardashians meets The Addams Family." (Perfect for Allison Harvard. Bring her back!) The women loved Kris, especially the British models who maybe haven’t had a chance to get sick of her entire family yet. Kris didn’t offer much by the way of criticism — nothing like the great comments from Kelly Osbourne last week — but she was impressed by Louise and Alisha for eating the baby food during the shoot. She probably also appreciated Louise’s hand on her butt. Kris said Annaleise's personality was shining through in her facial shot but she lost it in her body. Annaliese “just didn't quite know what to do on my lap,” Kris complained. What was she supposed to do? A lap dance? Kris also said Alisha’s face was pretty but she didn’t know what do to with herself. Probably because there was no clear direction? And the shot was weird to begin with? However, Tyra and company agreed that Kris was the best thing about Kyle and Mariah's pic.
Ranking: 13, Kelly Cutrone
Rank on the show: New judge (un-ranked)
Kelly is known for being blunt and acerbic but she’s not really bringing it yet. Future episode promos show her ticking off some of the modeltestants, which should be fun. This week she basically stuck to her marketing/branding mantra, snapping to Kyle and Mariah that their bland photo would’ve cost her a million dollar contract if she tried to sell it to anyone. Kelly did have one fun comment about wanting to marry Laura off to a rock star (Laura definitely got the best makeover of the week) but she also loved the shot of Candace which just looked limp and bored. Kelly was impressed by Ashley but — like everyone else — disappointed by AzMarie, saying AZ needs to figure out her brand. Kelly thought Sophie had the weakest photo of Sophie Sumner, Catherine and Laura but we can’t agree. Sophie is killing it and will go far.
Ranking: 12, The Sexy Nigel Barker
Rank on show: Judge and noted fashion photographer (un-ranked)
Nigel cringed and ducked his head when Annaliese Dayes said it was “fan-dabi-dozi” to work with Kris Jenner; to Nigel, that was one British phrase that should’ve stayed across the pond. (See! We’re not the only ones with embarrassing countrymen!) Nigel said Louise Watts has great bone structure but added her "lack of charm" sours the whole thing. He also chastised AzMarie for just sitting on the floor playing with crayons instead of having some kind of angle, like being a "wicked" girl when she played with the crayons. AZ should be able to do wicked well, she has the look.
Ranking: 11, Candace (US)
Rank on show: Safe
It sounds like Candace may soon be the victim of a classic “pretty is not enough” speech. Tyra said Candace is beautiful up close but far away she's just kind of like a pretty girl. Her photo last week was meh. Her photo this week was meh. Her only redeeming feature this week was laughing about Seymone and the haggis. It *was* funny that Seymone ate all that haggis!
Ranking: 10, Tyra Banks
Rank on the show: Host/creator/diva (un-ranked)
Bless her heart, Tyra gets crazier by the day. First, gotta give her credit for what sounded like an awful idea — getting makeover inspiration from Europe’s trend of brightly colored hair and shaved heads. Yikes. But the results of that particular idea were good. Sophie got a fantastic bubble gum pink makeover, Catherine came alive in magenta and the insane idea of making Laura’s crimped hair platinum with red, white and blue strips actually turned out to be brilliant. Laura is now a frontrunner largely from this makeover. Well done. But why all the straight hair and bangs? So many girls’ faces are being hid now and they all look the same. Why would Tyra want that for them? It was also fun to hear Tyra try to explain what was wrong with the baby shoot poses. Like telling Louise (aka Linda Evangelista 2.0) she had to be a baby but not a … baby. And saying AzMarie’s commercial pic made her look like her tattoos were drawn in with this pen right here! Tyra always loves when she can personally relate to someone so she told Eboni she was burned herself in the eye (ouch) and appreciated how Eboni pushed through her face burn and showed "you can burn me but you can't break me." (Cheese alert!)
Ranking: 9, Eboni (US)
Rank on show: Safe
Eboni not only got a giant burn on her face thanks to a curling iron, she got some of the shaggy bangs. She wasn’t happy about the burn, crying and saying not to film her. Hey, all’s fair in love and fashion. Nigel liked her toddler photo shoot, saying his eyes went to her over Candace. Tyra appreciated how she pushed through the burn to produce a good photo, also adding that — unlike Candace — “Eboni has a face that's interesting and different.” Take that, Candace!
Ranking: 8, AzMarie (US)
Rank on the show: Safe
The only reason AzMarie isn’t higher up on the loser list is because everyone sees her as a major contender. The other models are awed by her and even Mariah admitted she’s only dated men but she had a crush on AZ. (Don’t tell Laura, she already claimed AZ last week.) But Jay said she looked “awkward” in the shoot and the judges used the “d” word — disappointed. They were disappointed in her last week, too. So is she all hype? At least she had an easy makeover, just letting them shave “ANTM” in the back of her shaved head.
Ranking: 7, Annaliese Dayes (UK)
Rank on show: Safe
Annaliese and her radio voice are still giving good commentary, but she didn’t have as strong of an episode this week. Her personality is great and shines through, but she seems lost in her photos. She didn’t do that well in her “angry” Mel B shot last week, but her photo this week was wrong in a different way. Kelly said Annaliese’s shot reminded her of "Diana Ross like on crackerjacks." Not digging it.
Ranking: 6, Louise Watts (UK)
Rank on show: Safe
Louise is classic. Love her. Her voice. Her attitude. She’s perfect for Absolutely Fabulous. ANTM? Maybe not. There’s always one modeltestant who complains about the makeover as if they had no idea they do this every.single.cycle. Louise didn’t want a haircut or to have her hair dyed brown. She was told she’s getting a "bob and a shave" and she said that makes no sense to her. Stylist Sally Hershberger was like, you're no Linda Evangelista, adding that even Linda wouldn’t have complained as much as Louise. It turned into a great fight. Louise said there was no way she was going darker after a year of going dark and finally getting lighter. She thought she had been a good sport to let them chop their hair off, considering she wanted a weave. "Feels like a little boy haircut. I look like Justin Biebs." But going darker? "No, I'm not going dahkah. Just, no!" However, after a cut that looked a bit like runner-up Molly O'Connell’s finale look on Cycle 16, she decided she was now one of the most powerful women in the competition. She was star-struck by Kris Jenner and didn’t say anything in the shoot ‘cause she couldn’t believe she was lucky enough to put her hand on Kris’ arse and eat baby food. (OK then!) When Tyra compared Louise to Linda E., Louise had no reaction. Kelly noted that, if anyone had said that to her, she would’ve taken her fingers out of her mouth and smiled. Nigel said Louise’s lack of charm is an issue. Kyle said none of the girls want to be around Louise because she’s so bitchy. But everyone agreed her makeover was amazing. She looks so high fashion now.
Ranking: 5, Alisha (UK)
Rank on the show: Safe
Alisha is another character. She and Sophie are arguably the most competitive girls in the competition and it makes them pretty darn hilarious. Alisha loved her makeover — which left her with one side of her head shaved — because she felt it made her a triple threat with a feminine and masculine side. When Eboni was hurt by the curling iron and thought it would get her eliminated, Alisha snarked the cameras, "I wish it was that easy to get bitches out of here." She knows models get burned all the time. She joked that Eboni should be burned on the other side for balance. Alisha got some funny karma during her photo shoot when she was told to act like an upset toddler because she was denied food, but then projected … something else, it seems, since Tyra decided she wasn’t showing that. She seemed to be projecting upset toddler, but maybe she should’ve wailed and pitched a fit? Maybe channeled Louise’s natural attitude?
Ranking: 4, Catherine (UK)
Rank on show: Safe
Catherine had a good Queen Elizabeth pic last week and her pic this week was even better, mostly because she got a great magenta makeover. She stands out now, when she didn’t before. Nigel likes how she’s not classically pretty. She could be a dark horse this season. She doesn’t say much, but her photos are good and that’s more important.
Ranking: 3, Ashley Brown (UK)
Rank on show: Called second
From bottom two to called second! Well done, Scottish girl. That said, she didn’t have as many cute moments with the camera this week. She’s still adorable any time she gets to say anything but other than her cute little camera time with buddy Sophie — and saying not all children like her and she doesn’t know why — she didn’t dominate like she did on the premiere. That said, her photo really did come off as soft and childlike and perfect for an imperfect concept. She’s still one of our faves and it was good to see her impress the judges.
Ranking: 2, Laura (US)
Rank on show: Challenge winner
Best makeover of the season. Considering last week we cringed at her tacky crimped hair, she got extremely lucky. Her platinum hair looks great and the red, white and blue clip-ons aren’t too distracting. She looks like a different person — in a good way. Instead of just being the crazy comic relief who overshares about her orgasms, she’s now a major contender. But her makeover was only part of her success this week. She did some funky poses in the toddler shoot, like she was falling out of the crib. Nigel thought her shot was “brilliant” and loved that she was defying gravity. Her shot seemed to match the upside down “creepy baby” doll and that was deemed a good thing. Still, she’s a wild card.
Ranking: 1, Sophie Sumner (UK)
Rank on show: Safe
Smart. Savvy. Competitive. Funny. Great photos. Great makeover. She’s not getting enough credit from the judges yet, but considering all her camera time and her competitive nature, she’ll probably go far. Sophie doesn’t just make pithy comments, she seems to know the biz. She said she was excited to embrace a new look and lucked out with cute and very fitting pink hair. She noted it's editorial but can also work commercially. “It's like a little cotton candy head. Everyone just keeps saying they want to eat me." So what if she has no eyebrows! Sophie is not above psyching the American girls out, pointing out to Eboni that she, Kyle and Mariah all got the same hairstyle. She also said she’d eat whatever American food she had to, but for some reason they gave them intestines which isn’t exactly sold at McDonald’s. As Sophie described it, “It smelled like a sweaty fat man who'd, like, done a poo." Ha! Sophie was in the best photo of the week and even though Kelly said her shot was the weakest of the three, Nigel said, in person, he’s most drawn to Sophie. Tyra agreed that she “pops.” Better than “poops” like a sweaty fat man!
Catch the next episode of ANTM Cycle 18 on Wednesday, March 14 at 9 pm ET/PT on The CW.
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