America's Next Top Model

Did y'all watch all two hours of the RuPaul's Drag Race premiere last night? We did, and it was worth it. We are completely and utterly blown away by the Season 4 crop of queens — not to mention all of the drama, shade, and face they are serving up this year. From Jiggly Caliente's catastrophic couture (you looked like a shredded Mylar balloon, honey), to Phi Phi O'Hara's unwavering stink-eye for film and television star Willam, last night's 90-minute season opener (and 30 bleep-filled minutes of Untucked) is all we need to whet our appetite for the next 14 episodes.

So, without further ado, we give you last night's five fiercest, shadiest, WTFest moments.

Oh, hell no. They did not bring Shangela back for another season. When we saw the pit crew (they're back!) bring out that box and Shangela Laquifa Watley pop her head out, we almost gagged on our own eleganza. We love us some Shangela, but two seasons is enough. And the new crop of queens were NOT HAVING IT. So, Ru stuffed her back in that box — along with a rabid honey badger and Shangela's dreams of being America's next drag superstar — and set that bitch on fire. Not really, but it was a great gag and the queens were relieved to see her go. Plus, Shangela don't need no love from Ru. Girlfriend is doing all right. Did you see her on Community?

We love us some big girls, honey. But when it comes to the more physical challenges, like standing on a turntable while the pit crew sprays you with "toxic waste" and strobe lights blast you from every angle, they're at a slight disadvantage. Jiggly Caliente and Latrice Royale bit it hard, falling off the platform and into the faux trash. But both girls owned it, and Jiggly actually ended up winning the challenge. Did anyone catch what she got for winning? We were too busy reenacting Manila Luzon's Season 3 performance of "Macarthur Park" and missed it. Anyway, we'd have gone with Phi Phi O'Hara's phierce photo (what can we say? She brought it), but we're not judging Ru's process. Maybe she handicapped the big girls. Wait, was that shady? It's too early in the season to be shady. Wait, it's never too early to be shady.

Nothing gets us through a rainy Sunday like a Drag Race marathon. Reliving past seasons puts a smile on our face and a song in our hearts. So when our girls Raven, Sonique, Venus, Akaisha, Shanel, Pandora, Ongina, and, of course, Shangela showed up served up fierce drag zombie realness in the "Rupocalypse Now" challenge, we couldn't help but pause and reflect on the triumphs and tragedies of Seasons 1 - 3. Oh, who are we kidding? We were too busy laughing at the Season 4 queens clawing and scratching their way to post-apocalyptic couture. Looks like all that club-night wig snatching really paid off. But not for Jiggly. Poor girl. Her outfit was a hot mess.

Was it just us, or was RuPaul (at the judges table, not in the workroom) serving up fierce bitch realness? We've always loved her Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest bit, but this week she served up Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestley in Devil Wears Prada. And we loved it. Before the safe queens left the stage, Ru had this to say, "Oh, Ladies. While you're back there, you may want to think of ways to make a more memorable impression next week. That's all." This had our spines tingling and the queens' lady-boots shaking. And who could forget Ru's stinging critique of Jiggly Caliente's baked-potato trash couture? "Hoarding is the new black." Now that is sickening. If the premiere is a sign of things to come, we're going to obey all of the traffic signals, hunty.

Let's stop for a moment and get real. Really real. Rill. Latrice Royale, arguably the fiercest of the big girls, served time in the big house. In a touching, kind-of-forced moment of realness, RuPaul asked Latrice what her "end of the world" moment was, and L delivered the T: "I made some stupid mistakes and I got 18 months in the hole." After we stopped giggling inappropriately at her choice of words, we backed up our Tivo and listened to the rest of her inspiring story. Sadly, as it turns out, she lost her mom while in prison, but her community rallied behind her, holding a "Get Latrice Back on Her Feet and on the Stage" benefit after she was released. And now she's on RuPaul's Drag Race. Queens are always better with a comeback story. Love you, Latrice.

In case you missed it (or you want to watch it over and over and over, like us), watch the Season 4 premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race here!