Tyra adores speaking on camera. Loves, loves, loves the sound of her mentoring voice, sending young ladies off to heaven with her words of wisdom, one ugly-crying modelstant at a time.
So we decided to gather our favorite Tyra quotes from this wildly inappropriate and confusing America's Next Top Model Cycle 17: All-Stars, in an attempt to find out what makes Tyra tick. Let us know if you have better luck than we did!
Tyra forces Laura to regurgitate whipped cream on Episode 12: “Tyson”: “Don’t swallow, don’t swallow, don’t swallow. Spit! Spit! Spit! Spit!”
This is either an attempt at sexiness or bulimia — neither of which will create a good photo.
Tyra addresses her subjects on Episode 8: “Game”: “We are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling.”
If only Tyra had replaced “We” with “My self-righteousness.”
Tyra shouts “Work it, girl!” and “Kick that leg up!” from her tiny chyron box in Episode 6: “Coco Rocha.”
If we had this Tyra box on our computer screen, we would fear for our our computer screen’s life.
On Episode 5: “Latoya Jackson”: “What we see is boop bermp, boop bermp” (Random robot noises).
Tyra-bot is momentarily derailed while receiving an incoming data message from the mamaship.
Tyra talks to Lisa like she’s a five-year-old on Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “Lisa left the building and her cousin the Excuse Monster came in.”
Tyra got rid of her cousin the Sane Monster long ago.
On Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “Choo-choo, the Express train has arrived to take somebody on a journey, far far away.”
Phew, at least it’s not the local.
Tyra, to Angelea on Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “As I was looking at your photos, I was like, why do I like these photos so much? Why are these photos some of the best in Top Model history? And I realized it’s because you’re All-Stars.”
Strange how all these people start appearing when I flutter my eyelashes! And I was like, why do I like unicorns and fairy dust? And I realized it’s because I’m insane.
On Episode 3: “Kristin Cavallari”: “Do you know what a Booty Tooch is? It’s when you tooch your booty.”
But what is a Tooty Booch? And a Toochy Boot, and a Tookie Tooch? Oh, just Tyra’s first words as a baby.
On Episode 2: “Ashlee Simpson”: “I wish Bre was smizing. Either doing this, or a buck-eyed crazy smize.”
Oh really, Tyra? You couldn’t smize your way out of this one, so how can your protege?
“I have cut his hair,” referring to newly skinheaded and horrified Nigel Barker on Episode 2: “Ashlee Simpson.” “And now it’s time to cut you.”
And then it was time for Ty Ty to touch Nigel’s head, turning him into a well-spoken British centaur. Ty-over!
On Episode 6: “Coco Rocha”: “Bianca, you look like a praying mantis. I think it’s fabulous.”
Yes, stop “modeling,” girls. Imitate those insects people instantly stomp to death.
Tyra looks at Angelea’s photo on Episode 6: “Coco Rocha”: “I feel her pain and I love every minute of it.”
Ah, so this is why you decided to disqualify her: you just love you a good snuff film every now and then.
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