The premiere of Bachelor in Paradise is right around the corner, meaning we’re watching the promo on repeat from dusk ‘til dawn — life, what life? We can’t wait to see our favorite members of Bachelor Nation getting down Mexico style, um, whatever that means. The show promises to be a roller coaster ride of emotions — the girls cry, the dudes cry, we’re pretty sure even Chris Harrison cries when he finds Michelle Kujawa in a compromising position with a crew member.
Though it’s over three minutes long, the promo doesn’t exactly give us a clear picture of life in Paradise. Instead, it’s a masterful exercise in the art of quick cuts and displaced dialogue, so it’s hard to tell exactly what the what is going on other than a lot of sobbing, a ton of hardcore making out in the ocean, and D-R-A-M-A. But there are a few moments that stand out and leave us wanting to know more — mysteries we need solved pronto! Here they are, the top three questions we’re hoping to get answers to during the Monday, August 4 premiere:
1. Who’s cheating on everyone in the house by having a significant other back home?
On the Bachelor and Bachelorette, having the lead discover that one contestant has a significant other back home is just as much a part of the show these days as the Rose Ceremonies. It seems a little more forgivable on that show (though it’s really not), where the odds of hooking up are lessened due to the fact that the offending cast mate has twenty-four other people to compete with. But on BiP? The whole point is to hook it up with as many people as possible — from what we can tell. So who would go on a reality romp show while keeping a romantic partner waiting back home? Who? Who!? We need to know, stat. Actually, we already know and you can too if you read here!
2. Why is there a creeper creeping on two chicks creeping on each other on the beach?
The scene is dark when two female cast members lock lips at the 2:07 mark, so we can’t really tell which ladies are fed up with the men of Paradise and branching out into sapphic love. But while we’re dying to know who they are and why they’re mackin on each other instead of some of the hawt male contestants ABC served up to them on a platter, the deeper, more burning question in our minds is why is there a guy lounging in the lower right of the screen?
You have to pause the video to tell, but there he is, just chillin — arm extended, a glass in hand. Is he the ladies’ human cup holder? Is he hoping to get in on the action next? Is he a pool boy refreshing their drinks, afraid to disturb the unicorn of womanly love he sees before him? Who is this guy with a front row seat to the bow-chica-bow-wow?
3. Pretty much the entire last thirty seconds makes us ask, what had happened?
Someone wants to punch someone in the face. We’re told there’s blood everywhere. A lot of people cry, or shake their heads, or generally adopt a face of wanton disbelief. An ambulance comes. Hands are in cuffs. There are a couple creepy night vision shots. A lot of sound bites tell us everything yet tell us nothing. Is someone hurt? Is someone arrested (find out here)? Did someone punch someone else for taking the last tequila shooter? What is going on?! Must. Watch. Now.
Take a gander at the extended promo below, then tell us in the comments: what are your burning questions about what goes down in Paradise?