For anyone still wondering how one wins Bachelor in Paradise, here’s a hint: There are no winners or losers, just couples who leave Paradise together happy or couples who never want to see each other’s faces again, like ever. So what happens in tonight's Season 1 closer, the final time we’ll get to see our love matches being lovey?

According to ABC, what goes down down south is even more shocking than Marquel Martin’s almost lightning strike to the tush. Get it? Shocking? We’ll wait while you wipe the tears of laughter from your eyes...

The press release for the September 8 BiP finale reveals that Chris Harrison gives the remaining couples an ultimatum: You can commit to a relationship back in the real world right here and now, or leave Paradise pronto. Understandably, this sends some of the cast into panic mode — after all, unless you’re Sandy and Danny, no one expects their summer fling to last into fall. So what’s the fallout from Chris’s bomb diggity?

“A series of dramatic breakups ensue,” reads the press release. If you ask Reality Steve, those breakups come in the form of Tasos Hernandez saying adios to Christy Hansen, Graham Bunn running in the opposite direction of AshLee Frazier, and Jackie Parr and Zack Kalter saying, “it’s been fun, but…”

Once half the couples peace out, Chris surprises the three remaining couples — Robert Graham and Sarah Herron, Michelle Money and Cody Sattler, and Lacy Faddoul and Marcus Grodd — with overnight dates (otherwise known as Fantasy Suite dates).

The morning after, Lacy and Michelle brag about their sexy time, making Sarah feel pretty blue about her lack of physical intimacy with Rob Rob. She has doubts about his feelsies for her and confronts him about his hands-off approach to their slumber party. Apparently, the convo gets as awkward as you would expect, as it results in the duo parting ways.

And then there were two. Chris trots out the ghosts of Bachelor/ette past — aka, happy and successful Bachelor Nation couples who have made their relationships last past filming — to give the newly minted couples some advice (so that’s what you win on BiP, counseling!).

With couples therapy time drawing to a close, M.Satts and Groddoul have one last Rose Ceremony. Michelle and Cody exchange roses and “profess their love for one another,” which is a bit surprising since last we saw Michelle she was telling Cody to slow his roll. Then, “one nervous bachelor (Marcus) steals his lady away, leaving everyone wondering what will happen next.”

According to Steve, “what happens next” is that Marcus does the old bended knee trick and gives Lacy a sparkler (Neil Lane, we’ll assume) that she dons with a squeal.

So there you have it — the dramatic twist ABC’s been pimping is that the couples have to decide whether they want to stay together or not, which is something they would have had to do once the cameras were gone anyway. But at least this way producers force the issue so viewers get to see it play out, which is all we really ask for in life, right?

Bachelor in Paradise's Season 1 finale airs tonight, September 8 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

Are you shocked at which couples stay together and which don’t? Give us your thoughts below.

Source: ABC, Reality Steve