The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!
Credit: Chris Harrison on Instagram    

The Bachelor

The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!

Here's the good news: Juan Pablo Galavis and his tribeswomen have left Korea after giving the entire country a case of PTSD. The bad news? They've wandered over to Vietnam for some more public lovemaking, and it's not pretty (just kidding, it's beautiful). Not only did Juan Pablo go on a tension-filled group date with a fleet of lucky ladies, he took his mama (er, Renee Oteri) on a date around Hoi An, and then forced Nikki Ferrell on a vacation to Hell. No, like, they actually visited a dank cave called Hell. This is what The Bachelor has become, guys.

Now, please sit back, relax with your blow-up Juan Pablo doll, and enjoy the slow descent into the madness and romance that is this episode. Also, if you're interested in a drinking game during Juan Pablo's date in Hell, we suggest you empty a box of wine into your mouth every time you fear Chris Harrison may be El Diablo. It's been 84 years, and at this point The Bachelor's matchmaker isn't even trying to mask his lovable insanity.

Also, yes, Juan Pablo arrived in Vietnam perched on the helm of a gondola like a living masthead. We expected Leonardo DiCaprio to embrace him at any moment. Thanks for asking!

Uno On Uno Numero Uno: Mother-Boy

The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!
Credit: Bachelor ABC on Twitter    

Hark, it's Juan Pablo trolling around the streets of Vietnam like the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed globetrotter that he is. This denizen of the world had an amazing time on his one-on-one date with Renee "Mother Nature" Oteri, and they spent their time gleefully skipping around Hoi An. Sure, it was kind of like watching an international episode of The Babysitters Club starring Juan Pablo as a little kid and Renee as his sitter, but whatever. If it's wrong, then why does it feel so right?

Renee and Juan Pablo spent most of their date being culture vultures and holding hands (after all, someone needs to make sure this dude doesn't wander into traffic), and then there was the magical moment when Juan Pablo wheeled Renee around in what can only be described as a glorified wheelchair. We know she seems older and wiser than her years, but guys, SHE STILL HAS THE USE OF HER LEGS.

Of course, the best part of this date was when a) Juanny and Renee bought gifts for their kiddos, and b) Juan Pablo pulled a Pretty Woman and bought Renee a custom-made dress. He treated her like a princess — so it's only natural that she started having feels for him! Oh, and looks like said feels are mutual, because Juan Pablo gave Renee his rose during a gorgeous dinner for two. Though they didn't make out because Camila is continuing to harsh her dad's buzz whenever it’s convenient for him to say so at every turn.

Group Date — Motion of the Ocean

The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!
Credit: The Bachelor Facebook    

This week, Juan Pablo donned a festive rice paddy hat and took his lucky ladies on a group date to the Vietnamese countryside. It was a beautiful day full of pastel bermuda shorts, dehydrated bachelorettes, and bitter side-eyes — and Juan Pablo loved every minute of it. Especially the part where Clare Crawley stole him away from the girls so they could make sweet love with their tongues in some random cluster of palm fronds. And the part where Juan Pablo turned into a farmer and watered a bunch of lemongrass (and no, that’s not a euphemism).

Now, you might think this date was a recipe for success, but you'd be tragically mistaken. Turns out Clare and Juan Pablo's covert makeout session was peeped on by their cohorts, and the news of their kiss-a-thon spread faster than a venereal disease. Yep, everyone flew into a jealous rage, and yep, everyone hates Clare.

Even worse? Clare's appetite for Juan Pablo's saliva was insatiable throughout the second half of the date, and they ended up making out in some random pool of tepid water (aka Juan Pablo's swimming pool). Think of Camila, Juan Pablo. THINK OF THE CHILDREN. This befuddled Bachelor was so smitten with Clare's kisses that he handed her the group date rose, but unfortunately this just further encouraged her. That's right, Clare ended up sneaking into Juan Pablo's suite for a midnight (read: 4 a.m.) “makeout” in the ocean, and it goes without saying that we went blind.

We're sorry Juan Pablo and Clare went to (at least) second base in you, South China Sea.

Uno-on-Uno Numero Dos: The Date From Hell

The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!
Credit: Bachelor ABC on Twitter    

All you need to know about this date is that Juan Pablo forced Nikki to strap herself into some dubious looking harness and repel down a dark hole in the ground that's masquerading as a "cave." Oh, and the name of said cave is literally "Hell." We repeat: Juan Pablo took Nikki on a date to Hell.

We assume you're asking yourself the following question: did Nikki make it out alive? Yes, yes she did — and with a rose at that! But this girl's romantic date with Juan Pablo wasn't all fun and games. It was more like fun, games, fear, devils, and the stench of death at every corner. Luckily, Juan Pablo rewarded Nikki by letting her eat some dinner after trolling around the Gates of Hell, but we doubt she had much of an appetite considering that they'd spent the afternoon in a hole populated by a bunch of evil, devil-worshiping bats.

So, what did Nikki and Juan Pablo do post-Hell? After a quick liplock, Juan Pablo changed into his favorite bright-yellow shirt and sat down for a stimulating dinner conversation with Nikki. The topics? Sickly kiddos, the fact that Juan Pablo has a love child, and the fact that he was inexplicably wearing a giant orange bracelet. Just kidding, though we wish they'd talked about that because we have so many questions.

The Bachelor 18 Recap Episode 5: Good Morning, VietJuan!
Credit: Bachelor on Facebook    

Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

SHHHHHHH, Juan Pablo is sad. This tragic victim of scarfitis (a sickness wherein those afflicted wear scarves for no reason) was reduced to tears during this week's Rose Ceremony, and we blame Clare. Thanks to her undeniable charm and ability to swallow her own vomit, Juan Pablo broke his no-kissing rule and felt super iffy about the fact that he hooked up with her in the ocean. So, how did Clare react when Juan Pablo broke the news that they'd no longer be swapping spit on the sly? Not well, guys. Not well at all. Clare basically suffered an emotional breakdown all over Vietnam, sobbed hysterically (what's the point of living life without Juan Pablo's tongue in your mouth?!), and tearfully uttered the following sentences: "That conversation just blindsided me," "Do I wanna crawl back in my turtle shell?" and "I just feel so bad because dhsajdkhsajk [indescernable weeping]."

We're shocked she made it out of the country in one piece.

Who Was Eliminated?

We wish Juan Pablo could marry all his girlfriends, but thanks to some weird concept called "morals" this isn't possible. Therefore, Juan Pablo once again had to break hearts, and this week he said "adios amigos" to Kelly Travis, Alli Restko, and Danielle Ronco. If you have no idea who these ladies are, it's probably because Juan Pablo barely made eye contact with them all season. Also, does this mean Kelly's dog will no longer be peeing all over Bachelor Mansion?

Quote of the Week

Juan Pablo to Andi Dorfman: "I want your cheeks to hurt."

Next Time on The Bachelor

Get ready for tons of Lord of the Rings jokes, because Juan Pablo and his 8 remaining ladies are going to New Zealand during next Monday's episode of The Bachelor (airing February 10 on ABC). And what can we expect during this date to the Land of Hobbits? Juan Pablo will take both Andi and Clare on one-on-ones, and will treat his remaining six ladies to a round of Zorbing. You know, Zorbing? We don't either. All we know is that if Juan Pablo doesn't scream "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" to Clare during this episode, we'll be sorely disappointed.

[P.S. This headline joke must be credited to Michael Garofola, King of Puns.]