You guys, tears. Copious, free-flowing, mascara-stained tears. The time has come to grab your Diet Coke (read: wine) and drink to the best episode of the season — an hour so epic we suffered mild cardiac arrest.
For now, all you need to know is that Christopher Pellant is an evil genius the likes of which we haven't seen since Baby Christine burst forth from the womb and began her scheme to rid mankind of IQs under 130.
Total Eclipse of the Heart
In case you've blocked out the memory of Christopher Pellant due to PTSD, he's a tech-savvy serial killer who's desperate to outsmart Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan (Emily Deschanel). Well, just Brennan. This week, Christopher is back with a vengeance, and he's taking lives!
When a body is found at a wildlife refuge, Brennan realizes it's her friend Ethan Sawyer, who was drugged and eaten alive by wolves. Oh, and also Booth's ringtone is hacked with wolf noises. Wow, for a homicidal maniac, Pellant sure likes to keep things nerdy.
Booth and Brennan are determined to pin Ethan's death on C-Pellz, but here's the catch. Ethan was in the looney bin at the time of death, and Brennan was unofficially consulting him about the Pellant case. You know what they say: It takes a genius to know a genius! Oh, and also? Ethan thought Baby Christine was a demon baby (blasphemy — smite him immediately!), which gives Brennan motive.
And now begins the investigation to end all investigations. Cam (Tamara Taylor) finds a hypodermic needle fragment in the victim's skull (which Brennan failed to notice...), and the gang realize that it contained poison derived from a plant that Brennan borrowed from Hodgins (TJ Thyne). Yikes, get yo'self an alibi, Tempy!
To make matters worse, Pellant uses his geeky skills to manipulate the security tape from Ethan's asylum, and it shows Brennan entering the facility just four hours before he was murdered. Yep, Pellant is trying to frame our home girl, and it looks like he's succeeding!
Speaking of Pellant, he's denied parole for small-time hacking charges, and is put under house arrest with an ankle monitor — making him an even more improbable suspect. Also, he spends lengthy amounts of time building bombs while listening to the dulcet melodies of hipster girl bands. Who knew?
If you thought things couldn't get worse, gird your loins. Booth gets a message from Brennan saying that she's locked in Pellant's house, but just kidding! It's only Pellant playing a joke — what a prankster! Turns out Brennan's alive and well, but Booth beats Pellant up anyway, and his irrational behavior causes the police to remove B&B from the case. Even worse? They let Pellant off house arrest!
Meanwhile, the squinterns are becoming seriously worried about Brennan, and everyone seems convinced that she's a cold-hearted killer. Cam has no choice but to report the fact that the victim's arteries were opened (which makes Brennan look even more guilty) and Sweets' (John Francis Daley) profile of the killer matches Bren perfectly. (Childhood abandonment issues? Check! Socially awkward weirdo? Check!) Sigh, things aren't looking good, especially when Ethan's hair is found in Brennan's trunk and a warrant goes out for her arrest!
Oh, and in case you're wondering where Baby Christine is in all of this, fear not. She's being carefully protected by her favorite serial killer grandpa.
On the Road
Unlike the rest of the geek squad, Angela's (Michaela Conlin) determined to prove Brennan's innocence, and she realizes that Pellant checked out a large number of library books during his time under house arrest. She gets her hands on every book that Pellant read (Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, Fifty Shades of Grey), and realizes he was using library codes to hack the system! But is that enough to exonerate Brennan? Not so much.
Meanwhile, Max wants his daughter to "get off the grid" so Pellant can't control her, but Brennan has her mind on more important issues than her dad's conspiracy theories. She realizes that Ethan left her a message in his hospital room, and sends Cam and Hodgins to get their investigation on. So, what do they find? Oh, just an epic wall-to-wall code, which Ethan wrote in his own saliva. As ya do.
In other news, Booth and Brennan decide to baptize Christine before Brens gets hauled to the clink, and it's just like, please. Christine's tears are made from Holy water. Been there, done that! But while Booth and Brennan sprinkle bacterial infested H20 on their child's head, Pellant breaks into their house, plants a bomb, and takes a picture of Christine's bed. In other words, he acts like a total homicidal perv.
And now comes the real zinger: As Booth gets his car from the church parking lot, Max shows up with a sweet set of wheels, and Brennan sneaks away to begin her life as a fugitive with Baby Christine! But don't worry, she says "I love you" to Booth before hitting the road. Sob — will Brennan ever return to the Jeffersonian? And more importantly, how will the gang solve this murder without their main squeeze at the helm?