We smell a rat (burger)! In tonight’s rootin’ tootin’ episode of Bones, we learn that love hurts  and so can writing utensils. And by the way, does anyone know what vintage of wine goes best with rat meat? Don’t worry  we won’t hit you with the bottle, even if you choose the wrong vintage. (Well, we probably won’t.)

Tonight's episode, “The Partners in the Divorce,” begins with a flaming corpse found by two jolly hobos (and is there really any other kind of hobo?). In other words, this is one fire that you don’t want to use for s’mores.

Give Us Pancakes Or Give Us Death

But have no fear  Booth and Brennan are on the case, although their three-month absence has not exactly made their hearts grow fonder. Instead, they bicker in front of everyone at the crime scene, leading us to assume that Booth wasn't fond of Brennan making pancakes. Then again, on what planet is it a turnoff when someone makes you pancakes? Answer: On a scary, messed-up, anti-breakfast planet that we hope to never step foot on, thank you very much.

So it’s true that Booth and Brennan may need to take baby steps in fixing their relationship, to make up for the three months in which Booth felt abandoned. And speaking of “baby steps”: Try not to step in someone’s brain, Booth.

Cam studies the remains of this poor barbecued bastard and realizes they can get his identity from his surgically repaired heart. From this, they learn that the victim was Richard Bartlett, a “white shoe” divorce lawyer who has about as many enemies as the divorce lawyer that Jim Carrey played in Liar Liar. If only Richard Bartlett had learned to change his life via a magical curse from a birthday wish before it was too late. Sigh — if only life could be more like each and every Jim Carrey movie (except for Mr. Popper's Penguins — that one sucked).

Hodgins and Cam find the nib of a fountain pen in the remains, which means that the victim was stabbed with a pen  but probably wasn’t killed with it. It also means that someone needs to learn about the wonders of ballpoint pens. Seriously  who still uses fountain pens these days? (Somewhere, the CEO of Bic just shed a single tear.)

Bartlett’s wife leads Booth and Brennan to Richard's assistant, who has locked herself in Richard’s office and is doing something that makes a whirring sound. So either she’s shredding documents, or she’s cleaning her teeth with an electric toothbrush so she can feel minty fresh before she meets with the investigators. Since there’s blood on the desk, we’re suspecting it’s the paper-shredding option and not the tooth-brushing one. But you never know.

Now, Brennan informs Angie that her task is simple. All she has to do is reassemble a bunch of documents out of the shredded mess that, come to think of it, looks a lot like fake snow. Angie claims that what she really wants to do is help Brennan sort out her personal life, and we can’t say we blame Angie  we’d do anything to put off having to sort through those shredded documents, too.

Booth and Brennan have a whole bunch of angry divorce couples who they could choose to interview, but they settle on Gavin and Melanie, who were supposed to meet with Richard on the night he died. They also have a history of hitting each other with expensive bottles of wine, which is the classiest weapon ever.

The only thing is, when Booth and Brennan meet the supposedly unhappy couple, they appear to now be blissfully in love again. Gavin the architect is even planning to build a dream home for his lovely bride and their soon-to-be-born child. Let’s just hope — given this couple's history  that this dream home doesn’t have a wine cellar. 

Want Fries With That?

Another former client of Richard’s who wouldn’t mind seeing him set on fire under a hobo bridge is the chef who fed Richard his last meal. As it turns out, this chef believes that you are what you eat, and so he’s been serving a rat burger to the greedy attorney every Tuesday for the past two years. Sounds to us like the show Hell's Kitchen needs to visit this restaurant immediately.

But what we want to know is  where did this chef even find the rat meat? Are there butcher shops that sell rat wholesale? And don’t chefs have to taste everything they make? Because that would so not be worth it. If you ask us, it sorta seems like it might have been easier for the chef to just shoot Richard and get it over with. Just sayin’.

Cam and Abernathy have determined that the victim must have fallen head-over-feet down a lengthy distance, and then he must have landed on his feet. So they create a computer-generated simulation of what this would look like, and it's as if the guy would have fallen down what looks like the stairway to heaven, tumbling the entire way down this never-ending length of stairs. Suffice it to say, this simulation is enough to make us vow to always take the elevator.

But Brennan knows what really happened. The victim must have been dropped down the garbage chute at the construction site at Richard’s building, and sure enough  the chute has blood and guts in it. But who did it? Was it Richard’s wife, considering that among the shredded documents were his prenup and a compromising pic of his wife and his assistant Margo gettin' it on till the break of dawn? 

Nope. Hodgins discovers that Richard’s remains burned faster due to a solvent that’s used by architects. Architects, as in Gavin the architect  turns out, Gavin and Melanie weren’t exactly Liz Taylor and Richard Burton when it comes to couples who actually remarry after a divorce. In fact, they hadn’t paid Richard's attorney fees, and when Richard found a way to nullify their divorce, they worked together to kill him. Hey, at least the murder brought them closer together, right?

Burning Love

So Melanie stabbed Richard with a pen in the most violent use of a writing utensil since The Joker’s “magic” trick with a pencil in The Dark Knight (oops  Mel broke a nail), and then Gavin pushed Richard down the chute (which actually killed him). And finally, Gavin set Richard’s remains on fire  because maybe it was a chilly night, and Gavin and Mel wanted to cuddle by the fire?

But now it’s time for the episode’s other unhappy couple to sort things out  and thankfully not by using the stab-push-burn method that Gavin and Melanie swear by. Brennan now realizes  thanks to Sweets  that she’s stressed about her happiness hinging on two other people. Meanwhile, Booth says he won’t just be polite and pretend that things are fine when they aren’t. 

And then they agree to take Christine to the carousel, because what child doesn’t like to spin around and around in a circle on freaky-looking plastic horses? Oh, sorry  we’re taking Brennan’s side there. Our bad.

All in all, this episode was a fun one, with Booth and Brennan learning how to talk things out, and Gavin and Melanie learning that pens should only be used for signing divorce papers. But now we could use a snack. Anyone up for a burger?

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