Stop everything you're doing: Baby Bones is being born. This is just like that time Beyonce gave birth to Blue Ivy, only instead of a million dollar hospital suite, Brennan (Emily Deschanel) popped out her progeny in a manger, like a real OG. This week's unmissable episode of Bones was the most epic yet, so buckle up! Also, wash your hands –– our future lord and saviour does not want your germs on her perfect head.
Like most pregnant women, Bones is battling cankles, fatigue and hormonal fits of ugly-crying (we assume), but there's no keeping this lady away from a freshly murdered body. She craves them like pregnant Snooki craves pickles, and is thrilled when remains are found in a toilet while a traumatized little girl is peeing. Ah, childhood memories! Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan head over to crime scene and learn that this particular dead body is backing up sewer systems all over the nabe, and you know what that means. So many bones to clean while sentimental girl-power music plays in the background!
Meanwhile, it's T-minus just a few hours until Brennan pushes Booth's love child out of her lady bits, and girlfriend is stressed. She's determined to have a home birth after an unimpressive hospital tour, but Booth thinks this option is both terrifying and unsafe. To top it off, Angela (Michaela Conlin) totally has Brennan's back, and when Booth tries to rally Sweets' (John Francis Daley) support, Brennan unleashes her hormonal wrath all over the place. Don't mess with the best 'cause the best don't mess, Sweets.
Speaking of Sweets, let's check in on the Jeffersonian's geek squad. First up? Daisy. This perpetual do-gooder is busy becoming a doula, and wants nothing more than to reach down into Brennan's nether regions and deliver her progeny. Meanwhile, in crime-solving news, Cam finds out that the victim has a lens implant with a serial number, which makes it easy for Angela to ID him as an escaped convict and ponzi schemer named Rob LaZebnik.
After getting the nerd 411, Booth interviews Rob's bitter trophy wife and finds out that he had many enemies — including her. Meanwhile, Hodgins traces the victim's remains back to his prison, which can only mean one thing: He was killed by one of his fellow inmates. Who else thinks the pressure of choreographing a prison flash mob made one of these jailbirds go nuts?
Despite Booth's concern over Brennan's enormous baby bump, she insists on joining him in the field, and they head over to Jamestown Prison (a "hard core lockup") to investigate Rob's murder. During the car ride, Brennan and Booth argue about whether or not inmates love themselves a baby bump (answer: Duh they do!) and in an effort to show Booth that she can compromise, Brennan agrees to have their little one baptized in exchange for a home birth. Fair 'nuff!
Back at the lab, Daisy (Carla Gallo) sprinkles rose water all over Rob's bones so that Dr. Brennan's uterus will be relaxed (just go with it). She also finds out that the victim was stabbed to death with a paper shiv, and was severely beaten while in jail. Luckily, he had a guardian angel named Haze, who Booth interviews immediately. Haze reveals that LaZebnik was handling the warden's finances, and she in turn claims that LaZebnik had siphoned off dolla dolla bills from the accounts. Sigh, we don't know who to trust. Especially since the warden appears to be moonlighting as Nan Flanagan on True Blood.
Over at the Jeffersonian, Daisy decides she needs a distraction from the pressures of staring at bone chips all day, so she and Sweets have sex all over Brennan's desk. Unfortunately, Daisy knocks over a tray of bones in the process and realized that the victim's body was deteriorated with acid –– which they coincidentally keep at the prison to clean mailboxes.
After interviewing everyone in the mail room, and looking even more pregnant than Jessica Simpson, Bones heads out to the parking lot, where an over-protective Booth proceeds to drop the L-word all over her face. Sob! Unfortunately, Hodgins (TJ Thyne) rains on Booth's parade when he calls to say that hydrochloric acid didn't kill the victim –– it was a different kind of acid all together! Sigh, so much acid, so little time.
Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh
Bones and Booth head back into the prison, only to find out that the murder weapon was fashioned out of paper from a prison cookbook, and that the victim's flesh was dissolved with vinegar. After Bones traces fingerprints on the cookbook with cocoa powder, they discover that the Haze is the murderer. Yep, another case closed by Team Double B! Unfortunately, Bones is desperate to handcuff Haze right then and there, and her public outcry in the cafeteria ignites a full-fledged prison riot. Food fight!
While Booth's busy breaking up the riot and looking hunky, Brennan and her trench coat are giving birth to, like, a million babies. The renties-to-be race out of the prison and to the nearest hospital, but Bones begins to make a series of terrifying guttural noises that can only mean one thing: Her little squintern will wait for no one. Luckily, Booth happens upon a quaint country inn, but as soon as the snobby innkeeper sees what a hot mess Brennan is, he forces them into the barn, Mary and Joseph style. Then, in one of the sweetest moments in Bones history, Booth helps Brennan give birth to their beautiful baby while everyone slow-motion screams (including us).
After popping out their adorable daughter, Bones and Booth head over to their apartment and are greeted by the Jeffersonian nerds, who've thrown them a big party. And in case you're wondering, Baby Bones is officially named Christine Angela Booth — aka Stapes (the smallest bone in the body!). Side note: Do you think Angela's bitter that no one threw her a party when she had Michael? Just saying.
Tune in to an all new Bones next Monday on Fox at 8/7c, and hit us up on Facebook to chat about this game-changing episode!
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