If we've learned one thing from this week's episode of Bones, it's that diamonds are not (we repeat, not) a girl's best friend. In fact, they are our worst enemy. Thanks for ruining jewelry forever, Hodgins (TJ Thyne). Because of you and your maggot friends, we can no longer fantasize about screaming "He Went To Jared!"
It's just a typical day in Washington D.C. Birds are chirping, Bo The Dog is saving us from the fiscal cliff, and deranged murderers are dumping bodies in random ravines in the backwoods. This week, the erstwhile host of Sweets' (John Francis Daley) favorite show, Paranormal Abnormalities (best title ever) finds a diamond-encrusted set of human remains, which he promptly drops of at the Jeffersonian for our favorite nerds to devour.
Thanks to Brennan's (Emily Deschanel) femurific foot fetish, she realizes that the victim's feet are completely busted, and you know what that means. Girlfriend was a dancer named Katerina, who was unfortunately killed during a sexual assault. Oh, wait nevermind you guys. Her dead body was actually just attacked by a fleet of perverted maggots who pulled her pants down. False alarm!
Turns out Katerina was a competitive ballroom dancer who was gearing up to compete on the reality show Dance To The Top with her sexy partner Kendrick (played by real life dance pro Dmitry Chaplin) — who happens to be the number one male dancer on the eastern seaboard. These two went by the nickname Special K (um, named after a diet cereal brand? Fail), but as soon as Katerina's disappeared, Kendrick immediately started dancing with a new partner. Hmmm, suspicious!
Also, why does everyone in this story have a name that starts with K? We can only assume these hapless souls are the love children of Kris and Bruce Jenner.
Breaking news: Seeley "I Have A Weird Obsession With Socks" Booth (David Boreanaz) put himself through college teaching geriatric old women how to dance the Foxtrot. Sigh, memories! Obviously, it just makes sense for Booth and Brennan to go undercover as Buck and Wanda Moosejaw so Booth can show off his fancy feet, so they head to the competition and get down, get down. By which we mean, Booth wanders around in a white tank top and Reebok high tops, while Brennan makes spastic body movements and gets drunk on Night Fever.
Of course, B&B do all kinds of sleuthing while busting a move, and learn that Katerina and Kendrick's biggest competition is some broad named Leila, who has a completely deranged murder-happy mother who we assume is named Abbey Lee. Get it? LOL, Dance Moms jokes.
Naturally, Booth and Brennan have their eye on this momager — mostly because Hodgins makes a big discovery that puts a giant target on her chest. Turns out the victim was ingesting low levels of lead sugar, and considering that Leila's mom makes all of her costumes using lead dye, she's public enemy number one!
Oh, and speaking of Hodgins and his terrifying excuse for a beard, he spends most of this episode dunking human remains into ammonia and laughing with glee. Let's hope Baby Michael Vincent inherits approximately zero of his qualities. Although, that would leave him with Angela's (Michaela Conlin) genetic makeup, which is less than stellar.
Yep, Angie is still super-duper sad about her artistic plight, and she just wants to paint unicorns and rainbows all day. Apparently, it took girlfriend eight years to realize that her job is completely gross, and she's filled with ennui. In fact, she kidnaps Michael Vincent and takes him to an art museum to stare at John Singer Sargent, and it's like ANGELA. This child is a mere infant, he doesn't care about your weird fetishes.
Then again, Baby Michael Vincent is probably just happy to have been let out of that drawer he lives in....
Drop It Like It's Hot
Breaking news, guys! Katerina was killed by a lethal neck twist, which is kind of strange considering she was also being poisoned....
But who was trying to off this lovely lady? Booth and Brennan sneak into Mama Leila's costume rack to test her clothes for lead, and surprisingly she isn't the culprit. Turns out it's Leila who was trying to poison Katerina — but she didn't snap her neck. That would be Leila's creepy boyfriend, who gets hauled into the clink by Booth and Brennan after a spectacular West Side Story-esque dance off.
Our favorite murder-solving duo celebrate their big win by performing the waltz for the judges, and as you might expect they totally fail. But then, guys? Then everything becomes all slow motion and sparkly and we're greeted to a dream sequence wherein Booth and Brennan are like delicate butterflies flouncing around the stage. SOB, their love is so pure!
Oh, and if you're worried about Angela, what-to-the-ever. Thanks to her attitude problem, girlfriend's hours are cut at the Jeffersonian so she can focus on "art." Paint those unicorns, Angie. DO YOU, GIRL.