Don't you hate it when you're parachuting around our nation's capitol and then you fall into a tree and make friends with a giant cocoon, only to realize said cocoon is filled with human remains and a worm orgy? This episode of Bones is right up your alley! And up Hodgins' (TJ Thyne) alley, you know — because of the whole worm orgy thing.
In other news, we shudder to think at what must be living in this dude's beard. #maggotfamily
In case you hadn't already guessed, an innocent parachuter comes face-to-face with a set of human remains during this week's episode of Bones. Also, said remains are encased in a cocoon, which has Hodgins all kinds of excited. In fact, he drags Brennan (Emily Deschanel) into a tree, proceeds to lecture her about his weird Moth Man fantasies, and then gets vaguely aroused when a sack of worms falls all over her face.
Basically, we're super worried about Hodgins. And not just because his beard is clearly taking control of his mind. For reasons yet to be determined, The Jeffersonian allows this nerd to stick the cocooned human remains inside a cage, at which point he dumps a bunch of ravens on them, and mutters "feed my children, feed." We have so many concerns about the type of fan-fiction this dude must write in his freetime.
In other news, Cam (Tamara Taylor) discovers that the remains belong to a hack archeologist by the name of James Sutton, who is famous for writing mediocre adventure books and selling accompanying "artifacts." Uhm, yes please. We would basically buy anything about the Mayan Apocalypse because it could still happen, guys!
Tragically, James left behind a pregnant wife, who explains that her hubby had recently returned from Chechnya with some mysterious archeological findings. Luckily, said findings are safely kept in a storage facility, where Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan get their sleuth on. By which we mean Brennan finds some human bones and proceeds to lick them. We repeat: girlfriend finds bones, sticks them in her mouth, and starts making out with them.
Annnd, there goes lunch.
Ummm...There Is No Title Adequate Enough To Explain This Hilarity
If there's one thing that Baby Christine of Nazareth has taught us, it's that sharing is caring. A lesson which Brennan has failed to learn. This femurific nerd is geeking out about James Sutton's bones (they belonged to a caveman!), but unfortunately these bad boys fall under Dr. Edison's jurisdiction. Which means he gets the pleasure of reconstructing the strange hut that these cavemen lived in — aka the ultimate LARPer fantasy come true.
Dr. Edison makes the groundbreaking discovery that both neanderthal and homosapian remains were found by James in the same site, which means a mixed tribe might have been cohabitating! We know, yawn, but apparently these things are really exciting to caveman enthusiasts like our girl Brennan. She makes the huge discovery that one of the folks from ye olden days was murderer, and reluctantly works with Cam and Angela (Michaela Conlin) to figure out what happened.
It's like, so many murder mysteries, so little time.
Of course, the best part of this caveman murder spree is Angela's drawings. Sorry, we mean her ART. Not only are these doodles completely hilarious, they help Dr. Edison discover that a homosapien and neanderthal got frisky and popped out some weird hybrid baby who starved to death after an interloper killed her family. So, yeah. Saddest caveman story ever. Thank god Dr. Edison forces everyone to put on a live-action play to rehash this sordid tale, which turned our tears of sorrow into straight up LOLs.
Back to current day murders, because in the words of Hillary Duff, cavemen are so yesterday. Hodgins finds particulates of animal tissue in James Suttons' bones, which Brennan realizes are leather from an unfortunate flogging incident in Chechnya. Turns out James was attacked by his wife's deranged daddy while on vacation in Eastern Europe, which makes the family majorly suspicious. Especially this gal's brother, who Booth thinks killed Sutton in exchange for $20k big ones!
Meanwhile, Booth and Brennan visit Sutton's publisher, who reveals that James was selling "artifacts" to a fundamentalist in Texas. This guy definitely had motive: he wanted Sutton's caveman bones so he could destroy them as part of his creationist agenda! Obviously, cowboy is a prime suspect, until Brennan discovers that Sutton was killed by a heavy object laced with literature! You guessed it, Sutton's publisher offed him with a bookend because she was so grossed out by his plan to publish in a scientific journal. We get where you're coming from, girl. Nerds are a mystery to us all.
Before we go, the time has come to check in on Baby Christine. We're really disturbed, and you should be, too. Christine has no idea how to play peekaboo, which either means that she's not as smart as we thought she was (BLASPHEMY), or she has no time for plebeian child games. We're going to go for the latter. The end!