The time has come to summon your gag reflex, slink into the most unflattering jumpsuit you can find and paint "YES WE CAN" on your abs. No, squinterns, we aren't going to an Obama rally we're getting behind a new Prez: Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and her leaky breasts. That's right, she's a brilliant scientist, world class bone fondler and, as of tonight’s Bones Season 8, Episode 4, "The Tiger in the Tail," now burgeoning politician. You're welcome, world.

Cougar Town

Remember that time that Siegfried and Roy's misunderstood tiger friend tried to eat them? Well, this week's murder is kind of like that, only with less beautiful man-motions. Welcome to the backwoods, which has once again been tarnished by a set of human remains yay!

Upon first glance, this week's victim is a "low caste" caucasian male with a serious case of maggots (who may or may not be forming an intimate relationship with Hodgins' [TJ Thynefacial hair), but back at the lab the squinterns realize something unusual about this bag o' bones. They were shot by two different sized bullets one in the hand, and one in the head. Intrigue!

Turns out the victim is Jared Drew, a minimum wage day laborer who worked at a local county fair. Brennan and Booth (David Boreanaz) head to said fair to do some fishing around, and after interviewing a few peasants about their main man, Brennan 100% decides that she should be in charge of the entire country. You know, to broaden her scope past the Jeffersonian and solve the current economic crisis.

As you might expect, Booth is worried that Brennan will turn into Hillary Clinton (read: totally baller with Ray Bans and a house husband), and isn't exactly on board with her new interest in politics. In addition, he's deeply offended that Brennan "doesn't like zoos" and wants to punish her by getting a small dog named Gretzky. It's like you're trying to make Baby Christine hate you, Booth.

Also, theory: BBC is using Tempy as a pawn in her evil plot to control the world. We approve, and will definitely be writing in her name on our ballot come November 6th. 

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

In addition to crazy murders and nerds, Washington D.C. is full of sinister animal enthusiasts. Which brings us to Steve Neibling, the owner of an animal expo with a fetish for endangered species. Niebling seems like a prime suspect once Hodgins and Cam (Tamara Taylor) realize their victim contracted blood poisoning from a siberian tiger scratch, but there's just one problem. Neebs has a squeaky clean business record. Meow! (Sorry, we had to.)

Since Neibling is off the suspect list, the gang assume that a mysterious smuggler must be selling wild cats, and it appears that one of these nefarious dudes may have shot Jared and then dumped him on the side of the road post kitten delivery. Sigh, you know what that means, ya'll. Time for another trip to the backwoods to visit hillbilly farmers — although first Hodgins has to fly around a satellite airplane in order to drum up enough evidence to get a warrant. As ya do. 

In other news, Daisy and Sweets (John Francis Daley) are more in love than ever! In fact, they're planning to move in together, which is completely adorable and all kinds of weird. The problem? Sweets (aka Lancelot) has cold feet and fears that Daisy will want to fill her looms with baby fruit as soon as they settle down, so boyfriend does what anyone would do: he breaks up with his nerd-lover during their first night together. Sob, it's the end of an era!  Also, Sweets' Sword in the Stone ancestors are so dissapointed right now.

Eye Of The Tiger

Guys, Brennan is really obsessed with animals, and she just wants to give them hugs, freedom and liberty. We're all about Brennan's new love for canine politics, but seriously — what's with the sudden Dr. Doolittle urges? 

Here's the deal: Brennan and Booth visit a local farm only to discover the body of the tiger that mauled their victim (sad face), which puts Brenzone on the warpath. Let's just say girl will not give up until she finds the tiger smuggler, and she wants to sentence all animal killers ever to the death penalty. Luckily, the tiger's murderer is more than happy to talk, and he leads B&B to Neibling — who finally admits to smuggling after Brennan realizes that he has septicemia as a result of killing Jared. Team Nerd FTW!

We're thrilled that Washington's resident catnapper has been brought to justice, but Brennan still has a major case of the sads — which is where Booth comes in. This hunky FBI Agent finally shows his support for Brennan's presidential run by decorating his hot body with political buttons, which is apparently the sexiest thing ever. Let's just say, our eyes are burning, as are Brennan's lady parts. 

Oh, and if anyone's wondering about Angela (Michaela Conlin) and Hodgins (anyone other than ZZ Top, that is), they are having "relationship issues" because Angela's computer nerd skills are becoming obsolete in the lab. Should have studied feces like your hubby, girl. 

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