Well, finally. After eight long seasons, Bones is treating us to an episode that centers on fair-trade artisans and their twee fetish for murder. It's about time, because honestly? Baby Christine has no love for slayings that don't jive with her Montessori-inspired sensibilities. Also, you might want to wear a rain jacket. Body parts are falling from the sky, and yes Hodgins (TJ Thyne) is super excited about them.

Put A Bird On It

It's just a typical day in Washington D.C, ya'll. People are wandering around in trench coats for no reason, FBI members are wearing snazzy socks, and bodies are being dumped in garbage trucks. You know, the usual. This week, the Jeffersonian's dream team are dealing with the most gruesome thing we've seen since Hodgins' beard: The murder of an innocent lady in her twenties who is chopped up like a piece of meat.

The problem? (Aside from Washington D.C's troubling murder rate...) The victim has been filleted beyond recognition, which means Angela (Michaela Conlin) has to assemble pieces of face skin with her magic computer. This wouldn't be a big deal, except Angela seems to be having an existential crisis about "art" and "feelings" and "being grossed out," and girlfriend can barely get through the facial reconstruction without vomming.

Luckily, it only takes the gang a few moments to ID the victim as Jess — an up-and-coming organic applesauce tradesmen from some hipster nabe in Washington. Of course, Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and Booth (David Boreanaz) aren't familiar with the term "hipster," so they just refer to everyone in the hood as "artisans." And no, Zooey Deschanel does not make an appearance in this episode.

Clearly, there is sleuthing to be done, so B2 head over to Artisan Alley and meet the victim's partner, who — it should be noted — spends this entire episode in thick-framed glasses. Turns out Jess was last seen the night she was murdered, and she also had a trail of burly gents in her grill. First up? An organic butcher, who denies killing Jess and makes all kinds of sad faces when Booth suggests that his meat isn't natural. This beefy dude (LOL, get it?) tells B&B that Jess was being protected by a mystery man —and considering she had mad cash on her when she died, there is only one reasonable explanation: Lady was a prostitute!

Jack the Ripper

So, yeah — Washington is swarming with hipster prostitutes who make applesauce in their free-time. In fact, Jess' doctor confirms to Sweets (John Francis Daley) that his patient was getting regular STD tests thanks to her extracurricular activities! And speaking of Sweets, we are so, so, worried. This poor nerd isn't dealing with his breakup all that well, and he's taken to slumming it in his office. Luckily, Booth decides to stage a bro-intervention, and Sweets quickly makes himself right at home in B&B's love shack — by which we mean he wanders around shirtless with just a towel around his waist. Frankly, we don't know why Booth is upset. There's nothing more beautiful that a nerd rising shirtless from the ashes like a beautiful, geeky Phoenix. 

But enough about Sweets and his burgeoning six-pack. Time to check back in with the folks at the Jeffersonian! These freaks and geeks are completely confuzzled by Jess' death, but here are the facts: Girlfriend was chopped with a blade while still alive (Jack the Ripper style), tied up, and then drugged with gin from a shop owned by her doc.  

You know what that means: home slice was getting her bondage on with her doctor, who apparently has a weird sexual fetish for 18th century S&M and top hats. But wait! Just because the doc is a super freak, doesn't make him a murderer. In fact, he claims to have been helping Jess out of her cuffs when a big burly man broke into the house and attacked him! The plot thickens....

Party Like It's 1895

Thanks to Angela's yet-to-be-explained computer skills and some security cams, the Jeffersonian team are able to ID a hefty man outside of Jess' house, and the FBI promptly put his face on the local news. Turns out this bruiser is Jess' faux-uncle, who figured out that she was prostituting herself for the love of apple sauce, came by to offer help, heard her screaming during sexy-time, and saved her from the doc. This tearful gent tells Booth that he left Jess safe and sound the night she died, which means the plot has double thickened. Also, we need to eat a candied apple immediately, just saying.

Luckily, Angela once again comes to the rescue when she realizes that Jess' body was hacked to pieces in a specific pattern, which indicates the damage was done with an industrial machine. And industrial apple machine. You guessed it, Boners. Turns out Jess' partner bitch-slapped her right into the apple-peeler during a heated argument — which is completely disgusting, and definitely doesn't stop Booth from eating a jar of applesauce. So many questions and concerns.

So, where does that leave Sweets? Despite being slightly too comfortable in Booth and Brennan's love shack, this guy has an open invitation! And if you think we're going to end this recap by discussing Brennan and Sweets' celebratory dance-athon, you'd be wrong. We plan on blocking it out of our minds before our retinas light on fire, get covered in maggots, and become the source of Hodgins' perverted day dreams. 

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