Fact: Washington D.C. can't even get through a week without some random getting chopped to pieces by a serial killer. So it just makes sense that there are professional crime scene clean up crews trolling the streets with giant buckets of bleach. Someone has to wipe the blood off the various national monuments that people keep getting murdered on, right?

Pod People

Oh, don't worry you guys. A giant garbage barge has capsized in Washington DC, and now the beaches are covered in fecal matter and human remains. This week's victim is encased in a gelatinous sack, which apparently reminds Brennan (Emily Deschanel) of the good ol' days when she built a ship-in-a bottle with her dad. So many questions / concerns / worries, we can't even.

Naturally, the geek squad are thrilled at the prospect of releasing the remains from their sack (augh, this sentence), but then Hodgins (TJ Thyne) huffs up a bunch of fermented fumes and passes out. This is what happens when you don't seek medical attention for your fetish, Hodge Podge. Luckily, once Hodgins comes to his senses he fondles a few turkeys, which apparently helps him realize that the victim was encased in a hard plastic pod. Don't ask, just let the WTF bomb waft over you.

Meanwhile, Angela (Michaela Conlin) voms-up her lunch and crafts one of her facial reconstructions, which helps B&B find out that the victim was a crime-scene cleaner named Lucky, who cheated on his wife. In fact, Sweets (John Francis Daley) thinks Lucky's wife killed him and had her son, Davey, clean up the evidence! Oh, Sweets. If only the deranged murders that take place in Washington were that simple.

In more important news, Brennan is writing a children's book. We expect fleets of innocent toddlers to be traumatized any day now. And we also expect the book to be titled "ABC This Is What A Dead Body Looks Like."

Homeward Bound

So, Sweets is still homeless. By which we mean he's living with Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan, despite Baby Christine's gurgles of complaint. Poor Sweets is like a homing pigeon, and it doesn't seem like he has any intention of leaving. In fact, Sweets has attached himself to Booth and Brennan because he grew up as an orphan, which basically makes B&B his parents. Um, Sweets? Booth and Brennan barely hang out with the biological child, and she's the patron saint of mankind. To the left, please.

In other news, there's a murder to solve ya'll. Angela and her computer realize the victim was killed with cleaning tools, while her bearded other half discovers that he was covered in crime scene cleanup fluids. Hmmm, looks like Lucky was hoisted by his own petard! (Sorry, all these nerds have us speaking geek). There's only one reasonable explanation for this startling coincidence: Lucky must have been killed by Melvin  his biggest business rival. 

As you might expect, Melvin's tools are covered in blood, but Hodgins analyzes his plastic sheeting and finds out that it wasn't used to make Lucky's pod-like casket. This implies that Davey killed Lucky, but Brennan has a "hunch" that Melvin is the murderer, and she won't rest until she out-sleuths him!

Forbidden Love

OMG BREAKING: Cam (Tamara Taylor) has a secret boyfriend. That's right, the boss lady has finally realized that dating her daughter's gynecologist is 50 shades of creepers, and she's moved on to a new man. Oh, and also? Said new man works at the Jeffersonian. And double also? His name is Arastoo, as in Squintern Arastoo. Insert shocked gasps here.

Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Oh, by the way? Arastoo is a poet who was forced to flee to America in order to avoid arrest for his stimulating wordsmithery. And now he spends his time writing love poems to Cam, and it's all kinds of adorable.

Goosebumps all over our bodies, but let's get back to the murder. Booth and Brennan head to Lucky's last clean-up scene to see if they can figure out how he died and even though all the evidence points to Davey, Brennan insists Melvin is the killer. She even orders a team of techs to tear apart the entire apartment while Booth interviews Lucky's bitter mistress!

Obviously, the wisdom of Baby Christine is guiding Brennan, and she's 100% correct about Melvin being the killer. Which she finally realizes once her FBI swat team tear the place apart to the tunes of some hilarious rap song, allowing her to find a giant stain of Lucky's blood and Melvin's knee prints. Turns out Melvin killed Lucky after discovering that the old lady whose house they were cleaning had a huge stash of money hidden! Hah, as if anyone can beat Brennan at her own game.

In other news, Hodgins and Angela spend their evening having wine on top of the Jeffersonian and peeping on Cam and Arasoo as they get their mack on in the garden. Cute and pervy, but this just supports our theory that Baby Michael is still living in the drawer.

Need your daily dose of Bones? Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.