Oh. My. God, people. The Bones Season 6 finale was...woah. Woah, right? Woah. Seriously, the last 30 seconds were... so cosmically game-changing, we can barely believe it. And though we'd love nothing more than to gush, and guess, and then gush some more, we kind of have a murder and another baby to talk about first.
OK, so the j'amazing finale kicks off at a bowling alley birthday party for an especially bratty little boy who clearly hasn't been taught the valuable lesson that "sharing is caring." The brat's mom drags the little bugger over to lane four so that he can bowl and finally quit all of that whiny jibber-jabber. But instead of 10 pearly-white pins, the machine sets the lane with a bunch of gooey, decomposed bones. Happy birthday, kiddo!
Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and Booth (David Boreanaz) are called over to the lanes (natch), and despite all of our weeklong hopes and prayers, they aren't smooching, holding hands, or giving away even a glimmer of a hint of what went down during last week's did-they-or-didn't-they slumber party. Fury! Anyway, Brennan sorts through the piles of gore and maggots and deduces that the bones belonged to a thirtysomething white dude who died before the resetting machine ground him up into Hamburger Helper. Oh, and those defensive wounds? — yeah, Brennan figures they're a pretty good indication that John Doe put up one hell of a fight before becoming pulled pork.
Back at the Jeffersonian, a mucho preggers Angela (Michaela Conlin), through some pretty impressive computer wizardry, craftily reconstructs the dead guy's shirt. Lo and behold, the bones belonged to a bowler named Jeff, who played for a team called the Thunderballs. And speaking of thunderballs, Ange's own bowling ball is two days overdue, and nothing she's doing — not the bottles of fiery hot sauce she's guzzling, nor the copious amounts of preggo-sex she's making Hodgins (TJ Thyne) have — seems to be helping. (We just hope she's not mixing the sex and Tabasco, for poor Hodgins's sake.)
After finding out the latest scoop on dead-guy, Jeff, Booth realizes that Brennan's dad, Max, also bowls for the Thunderballs. Très convenient! B&B head over to the diner to meet pops and are stunned when Max arrives in a wheelchair (don't worry; it was only a sex-related injury — nothing life-threatening). Max says that while Jeff (aka, The Closer) was undoubtedly killed by some bowling spoil-sport, the league is far too insular to tell a bunch of nosey detectives whodunit. Instead, Booth and Brennan are going to have to go deep undercover to solve the case of the mangled bowler — which, of course, can only mean one thing: fabulous costumes! Also, pops picks up on a weird vibe that B&B are rocking; and we have to say, we're feeling it too! The teasing remarks, the knowing looks... did they? Or didn't they? Arrgh, the suspense is almost too much to bear!
Anyway, B&B head undercover in getups that are slightly less fabulous than we’d hoped for: Brennan, snapping gum and decked out in a jumbo-size perm (honestly, she looks Sandy at the end of Grease, if Grease was set in the Ozarks), goes by Wanda; and Booth, with a trucker hat and non-ironic mullet, goes by Buck. Just like old times! Oh, and they're posing as a couple — just in case we weren't on enough pins and needles about this already questionable relationship.
The league, as it turns out, is chock full of dodgy suspects: there's Hercules (played by True Blood star Kevin Alejandro — scream!), whom The Closer publicly bad-mouthed; there's the pushy lesbian bowlerina, Tina, who totally wants a piece of Wanda's perm; there's the insanely bratty bowling child prodigy Fowler (deranged Pippi Longstocking), who has meticulously logged every move her team's ever made into her laptop; and then there's a redneck twerp named Blake, who loves stealing cars (like the ones The Closer collected!) almost as much as he loves flirting with the ladies. Everyone has a perfectly good reason for offing The Closer, meaning everyone's a perfect candidate for killer du jour.
Back at the lab, Hodgins finds a red flake embedded in what's left of The Closer's head. After rattling around the poor guy's skull a bit, he and Wendell realize that the cause of death was actually one hell of a broken nose. Like, the kind that bursts one's brain. Le ouch! While trying to help the helpless fellas figure out what smashed in The Closer's honker (our guess: a bowling ball, duh!), Angela's water breaks — finally! — and Hodgins, who remained calm for, oh, 5 seconds tops, whisks his wife off to the hospital.
Back at the bowl-a-rama, B&B set their eyes on the tournament director, who calls himself The Raven. (What's with these people? Are they bowlers, or wannabe superheroes?) As it turns out, The Raven's been hating on The Closer ever since he super-glued his fingers into a bowling ball and posted the ensuing hilarity all over the Interwebs. Really, the more we hear about this Closer fella — who sounds like a total jag, btw — the more we're starting to understand why somebody turned him into ground beef!
Anyway, The Raven's hauled downtown and grilled by Sweets (John Francis Daley) — complete with a supergluey trip down memory lane. Yes, this includes the YouTube clip of The Raven flying down the bowling lane, his paw firmly cemented to his ball, which is just as hilarious as we figured it would be. Sweets tries to paint The Raven as a scorned man, but our suspect says that The Closer didn't ruin his life — in fact, it's quite the contrary. Since the YouTube incident forced him to retire from the game, The Raven's found not only a second career as a tourney bigwig, as well as a foxy new missus, but also some well-earned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Holla! More importantly, though, Black Bird has an alibi for the night Jeff had his nose bashed in. In other words, it's back to the drawing board for B&B.
Meanwhile, back at the Jeffersonian, Cam (Tamara Taylor) finds Wendell (fresh from a seriously inappropriate, delivery room Skyping session with Ange and Hodgins) struggling with Angela's fancy supercomputer. And by "struggling," we mean "accidentally stumbling across a Hodgins/Ange video of the homemade, Paris Hilton variety — if you catch our drift. After clearing their heads of one very saucy visual, and doing a crafty bit of mental long division, Cam and Bray deduce that the bowling ball that cracked The Closer's schnoz couldn't have weighed more than five pounds — sort of like a child's bowling ball. Hmm, if only we knew a child bowler bratty enough to bash someone's head in...
Meanwhile, over at lane 12, Booth bowls a split that sends the probability chip in Bones's head into a veritable frenzy. Unable to believe that her partner could make such a flukey play, Brennan hacks into Pippi's computer and realizes that there have been a mad amount of successful splits scored in lane 12. The doc deduces that somebody — mostly likely wicked little Pippi, with her menacing, child-size bowling balls, no less! — hacked the alley's computer system, recalibrating the system to set lane 12's pins closer together. She may be an uber-obnoxious brat, but could pint-size Pippi really be the culprit?
‘Fraid not! After hopping on a party-line call with Hodgins and Wendell, Brennan learns that bowling balls don't flake, like the sample found on Jeff's forehead. No, the flake of polyurethane could have only come from one other object: a motorcycle helmet. Twist! After working through an obvious George Clooney crush (hey, who doesn't have one?), Max finally tells B&B that the bowling alley's shoe attendant is the only person who owns a bike. After Brennan sneakily scans the guy's red helmet and finds a whole lot of Closer blood on it, Shoe Guy crumbles. Apparently The Closer never washed his feet, which gave Shoe Guy a truly foul finger fungus that made all of his fingernails fall off, which made his ladyfriend run off with The Raven. This is not only one hell of a crummy motive to knock someone off, but it’s also a really good reason to never rent bowling shoes ever again.
With the case solved, we finally turn our sights back to poor Ange, who's been pushing and screaming for what seems like an eternity. After a super sweet pep talk with her adoring hubby (and porno co-star, don't forget!) and one last big push, the wee bairn finally arrives. AND IT'S A BOY! More importantly, though, the little guy's vision is perfectly fine. Hurrah! Hodgins wastes no time in introducing the gang to his brandy new son, Michael Staccato Vincent Hodgins. And while everyone else oohs and ahhs over the newest arrival, Brennan slips into Ange's room to ask how everything went. "It was a dream," her friend sweetly replies.
Spoiler: you might need to sit down for this next part. Are you sitting down? You sure? Good. OK, after leaving the hospital, B&B walk together through the empty streets. Brennan can't understand how Hodgins and Angela aren't completely shell-shocked by the magnitude of having a wee little fella on their hands, but Booth counters by telling her what an amazing joy having a new baby is. After a beat, Bones looks straight into Booth's face and tells him that she's pregnant. Yes, folks: Temperance "Bones" Brennan is with child. "And you're the father," she quickly adds. Just as Booth shoots babymama Bones the most hopeful, adorably ecstatic grin we've ever seen (our hearts melted, for serious), the cameras fade to black. Although we've been dying for summer for months, we can't help but ask: Is it September yet? Please?
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