Remember when we stacked up the reasons why Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan (Emily Deschanel) will absolutely, positively make it work as a couple?
Well... just kidding!
Granted, it would be great to see our most beloved FBI agent and our favorite forensic anthropologist live happily ever after. And this is not to say that our arguments for the couple were bad ones — we actually find them pretty compelling, considering that we wrote them. But in the interest of even-handedness, we have to explore the other side of the coin.
Without further ado, here are five reasons why Booth and Brennan will never, ever, no-way-no-how stick together in the long run.
1. The Corniness Factor
Yes, Bones is a drama, and yes, there are plenty of Bones-watchers itching for more romance. But the term "drama" doesn't apply to just the interpersonal kind, and there's a respectable multitude of viewers who tune into Bones for the... well, for the bones.
Back when they stayed separate, we saw comparatively little of Booth's and Brennan's respective personal lives — a brief scene here, an offhand comment there, and then it was back to gore. But with Season 7 having to accommodate a plotline that includes B&B together and expecting, that could leave dangerously little time for murder-solving in a show that was already dwindling on action. When was the last time we had a good hair-raising confrontation (à la Fat Pam or Howard Epps) before Broadsky swooped in?
2. We've Done This Dance Before
Who can forget Angela and Hodgins' whirlwind romance — the post-Gravedigger kiss, the canceled betrothal, or Angela's dalliances with Barasa and Roxie and even Wendell? We asked "will they or won't they?" with those two, and we finally got an affirmative answer. Now we have to do the same thing all over again with Booth and Brennan?
Bones has painted itself into a corner here. If Booth and Brennan make it, it'll allow for some warm-and-fuzzies, but in the rough and tumble world of television ratings, another happy ending could be considered boring.
3. Opposites Attract...For, Like, Five Minutes
The chemistry between our protagonists has been part of Bones' foundation from day one. But the older and wiser among us must admit that chemistry alone does not a perfect relationship make. There are nuts and bolts to consider, like religion, intellectual compatibility, and even basic personal philosophy. For all their nebulous chemistry, Booth and Brennan have none of these three things in common.
We know that Booth and Brennan both have very solid worldviews. We also know that both are stubborn enough to insist on keeping those paradigms, or at least the parts that count most. And when "the parts that count most" are opposite for each of them, the only solution can be grudging compromise, or a one-way ticket to Splitsville, USA.
4. Existential Plot Crisis: Why Are We Watching Bones?
In a procedural like Bones, the first question on the viewer's mind should be "whodunit?"
But with the show's main characters expecting, the word “BABY” is flashing like a big neon sign over the upcoming season. Now, we've got murder and baby competing. It's like if Neville Longbottom's story suddenly required just as much coverage as Harry's. Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom and the Sorcerer's Stone would have to double in length — jeez, even the title doubles in length!
Sadly, one hour a week is just not enough time for Bones to make such accommodations!
5. Existential Character Crisis: Why Are Booth and Brennan on the Show?
Think of the best possible scenario vis-à-vis Booth and Brennan's chances together. They have the baby, smile at each other... and then what? Will they lump the poor kid in daycare and plug away at their murders?
We watch Bones to see Brennan the forensic anthropologist and Booth the FBI agent. It's possible for them to occupy other roles — in fact, Booth already accomplishes this as cop first, parent second. But Parker has a mother to look after him. Booth's and Brennan's kid won't... unless our two protagonists alternate between parenting and crime-solving — at different times!
So here's the big problem: Will they still be crime-solvers first? In the real world, we’d say, no way! But in the world of Bones, we’re not sure B&B being parents is our first priority.
And so you see...
We can’t help that a part of us hopes that Booth and Brennan break up. Change, especially one as big as Emily’s baby bump, is hard on fans who have gotten so used to these hot heroes doing just that in Season 7. Besides, watching them banter about urban myths and Booth’s butt seems a lot more fun than discussing whose turn it is to pick up diapers.
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