Just when we think Valentine's Day is behind us, the folks at the Jeffersonian bring the Single Awareness Holiday back to life with a little death. When a housekeeper arrives for her weekly duties, she finds one heckers of a mess: Señora has been turned to jelly in her own tanning bed.
Hodgins, Brennan, and Booth get busy inspecting the soup — which is really more of a chunky stew. Gag. After determining that the victim is female — due to rounded frontal bones and, well, the bikini — they find out she's a wedding planner named Wendy. Oh, the irony! Booth and Hodgins speculate that she probably fell asleep, but Brennan insists they need to investigate further... to which the corpse rolls an eyeball back into her head. Bleeehhhh. Back at the lab, Brennan and Clark determine that there was indeed foul play via a stab to the heart, much to Cam's dismay. After all, she has hot Valentine's Day plans with her gynecologist boyfriend. To expedite things, she sets up a countdown for the crime-fighters to solve this mystery in time for her to skedaddle with her man.
After meeting Wendy's over-the-top sniveling assistant, Darren, Angela brings in the wedding planner's laptop, on which they find a very interesting password-protected file. Entitled "In case of death," it contains a photo of a beaten Wendy with the following message: "If anything happens to me, it was my husband." Well, then... crime solved? OK, that's probably way too easy. When Booth tracks down her hubby, Greg, who works as a horse-and-buggy driver for Wendy's wedding business, he explains that his separated wife was referring to her crazy first husband, against whom she had a restraining order. A-ha! Unfortunately, this guy is now dead, so clearly he didn't do it. Current hubby suggests maybe Ericson, a super rich father of a soon-to-be bride, had something to do with it — especially since Wendy was in the midst of planning his daughter’s wedding when she died.
We're still not convinced that Greg is completely innocent, though: He and Wendy separated because she made him wear a top-hat and work on her wedding operations, when clearly he wanted to be on the ranch doing some horse whispering. Plus, isn't it just like the guilty party to conveniently have someone ready to point the finger at?
Off they go to meet this Ericson guy, who really is a massive jerk. He admits to having had "words" with Wendy a few days prior to her death, when she went over budget by introducing some crazy expensive orchids. Guess what Cam and Hodgins find wedged in Wendy's soupy hair? An orchid. Still, when they try to match up DNA from underneath the victim's fingernails to Ericson's jailed son, the DNA points at a female. Looks like the killer wasn't the father of the bride, but the bride herself!
Or not. When they corner Reina in her bridal suite, she confesses to having had a scuffle with Wendy over the orchids — including some scratching, hence the DNA under the victim's fingernails — but she insists that she may be a bitch, but she's not a murderous bitch. We tend to believe her. Indeed, Reina's alibi checks out: She was hitting the bars with her gal pals, "getting in one last fling." Romantic.
Meanwhile, the search is on to identify the weapon, which was apparently made out of cast iron. On top of that, Angela finds yet another password-protected file, indicating that not only is Wendy promoting her assistant Darren to partner by giving him half her company, Darren would inherit full ownership of her wedding-planning business in case of her death. Hello, motive! When Booth and Brennan confront him, he acts all surprised at the news. He also reveals that he actually was in love with Wendy, despite some big assumptions that he's gayer than Elton John. Anyway, as they're interrogating him, he's sticking one of those bride figurines atop a cake, which is an exact match for the murder weapon. Out come the handcuffs. Crime solved! Or is it?
Further laptop research shows that Wendy's hubby Greg — remember him? — broke into her computer very close to the time of Wendy's death. Perhaps he stumbled across the document naming Darren as Wendy's new 50-50 partner? Add this to the fact that Darren and Wendy were likely having an affair — hello, even bigger motive! Sure enough, an oily substance was found on the murder weapon, which turns out to be some sort of horse ointment. Guilty! After a hammy performance from Brennan, in which she compares Greg to Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, Greg confesses to his crime in a moment of jealous rage. Well, that was easy.
After Brennan turns down seemingly zillions of men asking her for a Valentine's date and Booth declares the holiday super bogus, the couple decides to celebrate the Valentine's Day Massacre instead by hitting the shooting range with some big-ass Tommy guns. Yes, it’s hot. Fighting some hesitation, Clark agrees to give his girlfriend Nora what she wants most this V-Day: namely, a good laugh, which involves him dressing up as Cupid and performing a mini strip-tease. Strange, but nice abs. Meanwhile, Cam gets her special evening, with Paul picking her up in a limo full of roses, and Hodgins finally finds the perfect gift for Angela — his own hybrid of what appears to be yellow slime spliced with rose DNA. Angela totally loves it. Must be the pregnancy hormones. Anyway, everyone gets their lovey-dovey, super romantic day. Now can we move on from Valentine's Day until next year, please? Thanks.
Bones returns on Thursday, March 10, with an all-new episode. Watch the following preview of “The Killer in the Crosshairs” — and get psyched!
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