In case you had plans to visit our nation's capitol, cancel them immediately. People are getting murdered, decapitated and cannibalized all up in that hood, and our latest victim is a friendly trucker whose body gets discovered by an innocent group of hikers who get snared by a groping, headless corpse left to rot in the woods. Hey hippies, that's what you get for venturing outside when you should be watching serial crime dramas like a normal person.
Puddle Of Mudd
Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan's (Emily Deschanel) lives are full of human remains and love, and now that baby makes three, it's pure bliss! Or it would be, if Booth's illegitimate spawn, Parker "Where Do I Belong" McLoveChild wasn't in the mix. This kid is back from his trip to England, and he's none too happy about the arrival of Baby Christine. Whatever, Parker, you can’t hog all your parents' attention because murders need to be solved, mmmkay?
Booth and Brennan head to the latest crime scene for a fix of blood and guts, and after fondling the remains of the victim's body with glee, Brennan determines that his head is missing. Luckily, Booth falls down a small incline and finds it in a gooey puddle, and now he can finally cross "palming a decapitated skull in a creekbed" off his bucket list! Two birds.
Back at the lab, Brennan and her squinterns discover that the victim was stabbed to death in a front-facing attack, and Angela (Michaela Conlin) IDs him as Tony Cole — a friendly trucker who was insecure about his wee height. B&B interview Cole's biggest trucker competition, Karl Singler, and they discover an entire collection of tools that could fit the murder weapon — now we're getting somewhere!
Meanwhile, Hodgins (TJ Thyne) becomes frustrated about the lab's tight budget — especially when Cam (Tamara Taylor) wants him to return half of his state-of-the-art equipment. What a Debbie Downer. But when Hodgins begins stroking the machines lovingly and calling them his “children,” frankly, we get concerned. You have a real child, Hodgins, remember?
Sweets (John Francis Daley) is good for two things: Buying lingerie, and interviewing suspects. This week, he decides to interrogate the victim's son, who admits that his dad got into a fight with his karate teacher. Wow Sweets. Way to get the job done while simultaneously traumatizing small children. Not all kids have robot emotions like Baby Christine, you know.
Thanks to Sweets' expert interrogation of a six-year-old, Booth and Brennan crash a karate class, and Brennan proceeds to nerd-out all over the place. Girlfriend just wants to cast the karate teacher's hands and feet into a clay mold, but he's like "Pssh—pass!" and she has to settle for watching his fitness DVD. Brennan determines that teach doesn't have the right size extremities to beat up the victim — his wounds were inflicted by a child! Uh oh, Baby Christine. What have you done now?
Thanks to Brennan's expert analysis, Booth and Sweets interview the Karate Dad's kid, lovely little Blake, who admits that she attacked the victim in self-defense. She even shows them a video of herself striking the vic on WeTube (not to be confused with YouTube). Much to our surprise, Sweets is into it. Who knew a psychologist would enjoy watching a girl deliver a beat down to a grown man?
Back at the lab, Cam (forever alone) finds a creepy worm in the victim's body, which came from a bottle of alcohol. Hodgins uses his new equipment to perform an autopsy on the worm, and traces the contents of its stomach to the bar where the victim was hanging the night he died. Take that, budget cuts!
Meanwhile, poor Booth is traumatized because Parker has turned into a mentally unstable sociopath. He's stealing, lying, and don't even get us started on the state of his hair. Brennan decides Parker's in desperate need of a bonding session, so she breaks into his room only to discover that he's destroyed all his toys in a fit of rage! Obviously, Parker's strange behavior sends Booth into a studly spiral of confusion, so he turns to Sweets (his personal guru) for help.
After a pep talk all about feelings and emotions, the dynamic duo head to the bar where Mr. Cole was seen on the night he died, and find out that he was super peeved when his WeTube video went viral. Thanks to Angela, B&B discover that Karl Singler sent the video to everyone on his phone, and then, as if public humiliation wasn’t enough, he killed the victim with a fishing blade. Yep, they've done it again!
The gang celebrate a great week of crime solving with an impromptu Founder's Day party, and Hodgins uses his new equipment to make guacamole and tequila. Because things that used to have human remains on them always taste more delicious!
While everyone gets sauced at the lab, Booth and Brennan confront Parker about his creepy behavior, and you guys. You guys. Turns out he was just expressing his creative spirit by making Baby Christine a mobile to hang above her crib. Aww, what a little artist! Of course, Christine is too busy having Grey's Anatomy read to her to allow for such triviality, but it's the thought that counts.