This week's Bones taught us a valuable lesson: Baby Christine might be a super-smart genius baby, but she's also bald — and that isn't a good look on anyone. Luckily, the Jeffersonian's nerds spent most of this episode in a hair salon, so crisis averted. The problem? Christine's angelic beauty is putting strain on Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan's (Emily Deschanel) relationship, and it looks like they need to reignite the spark!
Locks Of Love
You guys, being a mom is hard. Especially when you're also a brilliant anthropologist, best-selling author, and modern day Virgin Mary. The stress of mommyhood is finally getting to Brennan — she feels bloated, puffy and unattractive (basically us on a regular day), and Booth doesn't help when he fails to give her fashion advice about what to wear to the crime scene. The green one? Please.
Meanwhile, it's just a typical day in our nation's capital, by which we mean dead birds are falling from the sky. Yep, another body has turned up, and this time it's stained blue, half-eaten by pigeons and buried in a garbage dump. Get your act together, Washington.
Angela (Michaela Conlin) IDs that the victim as Santiago Valmont, a fabulous stylist with the most amazing cascade of hair we've seen since Fabio. Turns out Santiago was more than your average hair dresser — he was also a male prostitute who redefined the meaning of "blow-out." Sigh, we love it when Bones tries its hand at a double innuendo! After basking in the glory of Santiago's mane, Booth and Brennan do the interview rounds and meet his number one client, Ruby, who reveals that Santiago was a drug addict. Not even Tabatha's Salon Takeover can solve this problem!
In other news, Intern Vaziri is in the house — and we've never seen him happier! Vaziri's thrilled that his paper on bones (duh) is being published, and he's beyond excited when he discovers that Santiago was scalped before he died. Because finding out someone was scalped is always cause for celebration (or publication)!
Lethal In Lingerie
While Vaziri and his buddies fondle human remains with glee, Sweets (John Francis Daley) realizes that something's amiss in B&B's sex life (uhm, like the fact that they've never done it on camera?!), and takes the opportunity to mentor Booth on lady lovin'. Of course, first they have to visit Santiago's dealer, who proceeds to run away with a giant bag of human hair under his arm. Don't worry, Booth catches him in an epic chase scene, but if this FBI superhero thinks studliness will save him from bromancing with Sweets, he's wrong.
After Booth saves the day, Sweets suggests that they celebrate by buying Brennan a pair of crotchless panties, and so they head to a lingerie store to check out the goods. As far as we’re concerned Brennan just needs to pop in some girl-power music and drown her misery in a pint of ice cream like a normal person.
Meanwhile back at the Jeffersonian, Cam (Tamara Taylor) and Vaziri realize that the bagged hair was taken from a handful of dead ladies who Santiago's dealer scalped at the morgue to make weaves. Phew, for a moment there we were grossed out.
After hours of hard work and beard-stroking, Hodgins (TJ Thyne) realizes that Santiago was doused in anti-freeze (it's what made him blue!), which leads Booth and Brennan to a snarky shampooer named Kevin at Santiago's salon. Turns out Kevin was Santiago's drug dealer, but boyfriend insists he's innocent. We tend to trust people with lightly frosted tips, just saying.
Meanwhile, Brennan descends into a melancholy spiral, and decides to give Vaziri a life lesson about "touching the bones" in order to comfort him when his paper doesn't get published. Poor lady is clearly suffering from post-baby blues, so Angela convinces her to take a girly trip to the salon, where they proceed to make "O" faces at each other until Vaziri calls to say that the victim was killed with a blade. Way to thwart Brennan's spa-gasm, buddy.
So, who killed the victim? Turns out Santiago's underling, Theo, slit his throat in a jealous rage while styling his hair. Even worse? Theo scalped Santiago and attached his locks to a bloody mannequin, which he hid in a corner of the salon. We're so worried about this dude's mental health.
Of course, nothing spells romance like a good ol' fashioned scalping, so Brennan and Booth head home to rekindle their love over a bottle of wine and a fancy negligee. Too bad Baby Christine interrupts their good time — but honestly, we're more disappointed that none of the lingerie was edible. Sweets has so much more to teach Booth.