Credit: FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co.

Good news, Boners. Our favorite computer nerd is back from Egypt and he's just as grossed-out by Hodgins' (TJ Thyne) facial hair as we are! Yep, Christopher "LARPing Is My Everything" Pelant is stalking Hodgins in protest of that happy trail masquerading as a beard, and all kinds of people are getting murdered.

Also, Baby Michael Vincent is in this episode, so feel free to read this recap while sitting in a drawer.

Roses Are Red...

Christopher Pelant and his hilarious trench coat are back in the USofA, and he's on a mission to creep out Hodgins and Angela (Michaela Conlin). First on the list? Sneaking into their mansion, gassing them, and shoving a bloody corpse in their bedroom canopy.

Next? Sneaking into Baby Michael Vincent's bedroom and placing a few Egyptian flower petals around his pillow, because duh. This poor child has never seen the outdoors, the least Pelant can do is show him what a flower looks like!

We have no clue why Hodgins and Angela failed to notice a wanted killer wandering around their house with a dead body, but Hodge Podge eventually wakes up when blood starts dripping on his face, prompting him to scream hysterically. Really Hodgins? Need we remind you of the time a nest of worms fell on Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and you could barely contain your arousal? Not buying it.

Lab Lockdown

Everyone at The Jeffersonian is so worried about Baby Michael Vincent. Finally. This innocent sprite has been living in a drawer for the past year, and little did we know it would take an attempt at kidnapping for anyone to notice him. But whatever, Michael. There are dead bodies to be fondled, and before the geek squad can figure out why Pelant is targeting The Spawn of Hodgins, they have to identify the murder victim!

Credit: FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co.

After putting the lab on lockdown, the team ascertains that the victim was skinned alive, but what does it all mean?! Just listen to the rose petals, guys! They will reveal all!

Meanwhile, Booth (David Boreanaz) and Agent Flynn work within the system to bring Pelant down, but we have our eye on this FBI mastermind. He's always had an air of "I Might Be A Cannibal / Murderer" about him, and we do not trust. Although, dude does help Booth ID the victim as special forces agent Xavier Freeman (who was working for a mercenary supplier), so maybe he isn't that bad afterall!

White Lines

Credit: FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co.

As you might expect, Pelant spends this episode doing nerdy things with a computer, stealing the identity of a random townie named Justin Trimple, wearing goggles (LOL), and shipping Brennan surprise fingers in the mail. You know, the usual. Turns out said finger belongs to an adorable monkey from Northern Africa, which somehow makes Brennan realize that Pelant modeled his murder on a etching by Renaissance physician, Andreas Vesalius. It all makes sense if you think about it super hard.

In other news, Hodgins flies into a manly rage (FYI it's opposite day) and is obsessed with beating Pelant at his own game. Annnnnd, we're worried. This confuzzled bug-boy has taken to "snorting lidocaine" in his free time in an effort to figure out how Pelant gassed him, but hey at least his strange addiction leads the Jeffersonian to Pelant's fake identity!

Angela uses her nerd skills to send a spam email to every Justin Trimple in D.C., which allows her to find Pelant and pinpoint his location. Bwahahaha, it's allllll coming together! By which we mean we understand almost zero of the sciencey lingo used in this episode.

Million Dollar Baby

Credit: FOX ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co.

Time for Booth to get medieval on Pelant! Boyfriend straps on his cocky belt buckle and assembles a SWAT team, but unfortunately Pelant finds out about his plan and manages to escape into the boiler room while Booth and Agent Flynn chase him. Oh, and then he somehow causes a machine gun to go off (so many questions), which immediately pummels Agent Flynn full of bullets. Sorry we doubted you, buddy. RIP?  

Meanwhile back at the lab, Cam (Tamara Taylor) realizes that Pelant embedded the word LYCEUM into the victim's remains, which turns out to be the code for the mercenary computer system he's hacked! Yep, Pelant takes control of a predator drone and tries to blow up a few innocent kiddos in Kandahar, but fear not ya'll. Angela uses her nerd skills again and self-destructs the drone, which would be great if it weren't for the fact that Pelant simultaneously drains her and Hodge Podge's bank account. Sigh, looks like Booth and Brennan are going to get a few more grifter roommates....

Oh, and in other news, half of Pelant's face was blown off by Booth, but don't worry. He simply kills a veterinarian and sews up his cheek with some doggie twine. No biggie.