The time has come to strap yourself into an unflattering trench coat and take a trip over to our nation's capitol, where murderers roam free and human remains lurk around every corner. Last time we checked on Bones' sexually frustrated crime fighting duo, Brennan (Emily Deschanel) had booked it to the backwoods with Baby Christine, leaving Booth (David Boreanaz) all alone with his manmotions. But now it's three months later and time for a reunion! Sigh, so many feelings, all of them to do with science.
West Virginia Mountain Mama
You guys, we're so worried about Brennan. More worried than we've ever been before. Not only is she wandering around the hills with her murder-happy dad, she seems to think that affixing a blonde wig to her head counts as a "disguise."
Oh, also? Brennan has taken to escaping out into the wilds of Washington, finding human remains with her sixth sense, and digging them up. Apparently, this is home girl's unusual way of alerting squinterns to her presence, which totally works because The Jeffersonian immediately get to work on ID-ing the body. The gang ascertain that the victim is a guidance counselor named Carol Morrissey who's been missing for over 10 years, and the catch? Pellant went to high school with her. OMG, the plot thickens!
Meanwhile, Booth is wandering around the FBI in a tizzy, and he's determined to clear Brennan's name. Naturally, he heads over to Pelant's computer class to get his investigation on (LOL, nerds), and who should cockblock him but pesky-yet-hunky Agent Hayes Flynn — who obviously thinks Brennan is a murderer. Sigh!
As you might expect, Pelant quickly finds out that his guidance counselor's body was discovered, and he reacts by doing all sorts of computery things that we don't understand. All we know is poor little dude seems panic stricken, and we'd totally hug him if he weren't, you know, a murderer.
Love Shack, Baby!
As you might expect, Angela (Michaela Conlin) will stop at nothing to prove Brennan's innocence because they are sisters from another mister. Unfortunately, Squintern Clark Edison has usurped Brennan's office, and he seems to think she might be guilty — which is making things mighty tricky for Angie. Luckily, she's in communication with Brennan via a secret code wherein they leave each other girly flower bouquets by graves — but what seems like a delightful and fragrant lark soon turns into a hot mess.
You see, Angela asks Hodgins (TJ Thyne) to do her a solid and drop off a few flowers in a random graveyard, but Pelant shows up when he gets there! Hodgins and his beard immediately starts to strangle our favorite serial nerd (which Pelant strangely enjoys), but don't worry, guys. ZZ Top appears in spirit and is just like "war, what is it good for?" At least that's why we think Hodgins chickened out and ran away.
In other news, Booth heads over to Pelant's hometown to find Brennan, and as you might expect, their accidental motel reunion is beautiful and majestic — much like Christine's spirit animal. Not only do these two roll around on the floor in a fit of sexual ecstasy (blondes do have more fun), they kiss on camera! Baby steps, guys.
Now that Brennan and Booth are reunited, Brennan's obsessed with examining the victim's remains — but first girlfriend needs to throw Pelant off the scent! Luckily, Max steals Booth's rental car and books it across the border while B&B head to D.C, and it's just like it's all happening!
Time to check in on The Jeffersonian's Geek Squad! Basically, everyone is fist deep in human remains until they discover that the victim hit her head on a bright red rock and passed out. Progress! Oh, and it turns out that Clark isn't that evil after all. Dude just wants to keep his job at The Jeff, which (spoiler alert!) he does.
Either way, these squinterns are working overtime to bring Brennan back into the fold, and Angela even uses her tech skills to prove that Pelant forged DA Caroline's signature — which means she and Sweets (John Francis Daley) are back on the case! Sweetie Pie immediately gets down to business and reads some of Pelant's old high school recs, and realizes that P-Diddy forged his guidance counselor's letters of recommendation, and most likely killed her so he could go to Stanford. Dream big, little buddy.
Meanwhile, Booth and Brennan sneak into the lab after hours to examine the remains, and after a few minutes spent bonding with the corpse, Brennan realizes that the victim was killed with a Japanese World War II sword, which Pelant was able to wield due to being secretly fat in high school.
So, what's Booth up to while Brennan gets her investigation on? Oh, just convincing the FBI to lock Pellant up for hacking their system. And the best part? Angela cracks Ethan's triangular code from last season and discovers that that Pelant digitally inserted Brennan into security footage at the insane asylum. Looks like Pells is going to jail for life, ya'll! Except, wait. Not at all.
Here's what goes down: Booth and Brennan make sweet love on a washing machine (yessss), until the FBI calls to drop the bomb that every possible fingerprint and other record lists Pelant as some Egyptian dude named Basam El Fayatte (nooooo). That's right, he changed his identity from jail. The real kicker? Pelant's leaving the country and his parting gift is a marygold, which symbolizes "grief and pain" in Brennan's secret flower language. Cold, Pelant. Cold.
And, in another crazy twist, FBI pain-in-the-neck Flynn picks up Pelant’s marigold and stares at it intensely. Could this mean that Flynn and Pelant have been working together all along? Mind. Blown.
By the way, is this an awkward time to bring up the fact that Christine is talking? Because she is. The girl is a child genius already.
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