After watching Castle diligently for years, we’ve pinpointed the show’s general outline. Following the tried-and-true formula, we’ve crafted a lost Castle episode — Christmas-themed, of course, to help us prepare for the real Xmas episode, airing on Monday, Dec. 3.
“Secret Santa Killer”
Scene 1: Someone commits a heinous crime
Camera zooms in on a happy-go-lucky mall Santa conversing with a child. Someone motions that his shift is over. He walks away, and after removing his Santa hat, we see the hurt in his eyes. He retreats to his dressing room and starts to undress. Then — a thud.
Scene 2: The team gets the word
Castle, Beckett, and the team are chatting about their recently arranged Secret Santa exchange — and hanging sprigs of mistletoe — when Captain Gates interrupts with news about the mall Santa murder. Castle is mid-sentence and turns to look at her.
Beckett: I’m there.
Castle: Me, too.
Viewers: No duh.
Scene 3: Beckett and Castle meander to the crime scene, talking about others while really talking about themselves.
Castle: It’s the holidays and everybody wants to spend them with someone special, and Alexis is having a really hard time getting over Ashley, but obviously the timing just isn’t right for them, but I just don’t know what to do to make it better!
Beckett: Well, maybe there’s hope for them in the future. When the timing is right, maybe they can work out. In the meantime, you should probably let Alexis grieve on her own and work on her own issues. Oh, and by the way? Every time I said Alexis, I really meant me. And every time I said we? I really meant us. But you knew that already, didn’t you?
Scene 4: Castle and Beckett arrive at the scene to meet two disgruntled lovebirds
Castle (staring at the stabbed Santa, still in his garb): Well, gee. Could have at least saved the outfit.
Lanie: I’m just going to ignore your bad joke and get all serious on you about our victim.
Castle: Oh, all your seriousness can’t stop me! I’m going to continue to make bad jokes about how somebody is not having a very merry Christmas, and then make another joke about how it’s far more P.C. to say ‘Happy Holidays’ these days. Why do we even have mall Santas anymore? Shouldn’t we have mall Menorahs, too?
Lanie: I want to tell you to shut up, but I won’t. Instead I’ll just roll my eyes and tell you that our victim is a 52-year-old male who looks like he was stabbed right through the heart.
Esposito: With a candy cane?
Lanie: God, who even cares about this dead guy? I so just want to jump Esposito’s bones and it’s so obvious. But instead I’ll just roll my eyes. Again.
Scene 5: Beckett interrogates suspect no. 1
Beckett: You, you crazy ex-lover! You were mad that your recovering alcoholic of a husband had moved on and was reconnecting with his holiday spirit by playing Santa.
Suspect no. 1: Nope. You’re gonna have to go through about five more peeps to find out what really happened. But I will tip you off and send you on a wild goose chase after someone else so that you forget all about me.
Castle: Clever. Never been done before.
Scene 6: Lanie has more 411 on the victim
Lanie: Actually, this guy was stabbed with a particular knife. Oh, and I found a phone number in his pocket. But something’s fishy about the way the knife entered his body.
Castle: So, you mean it wasn’t death by candy cane?
Lanie: Rolls eyes.
Esposito: You know, you might wanna be careful about that. Your face could get stuck that way.
Scene 7: The team meets back at the station and talks through what they’ve all learned so far
Ryan or Esposito: We can’t find anybody who makes that knife in the city anymore. There’s nothing special about our Santa, either. No enemies, no crazy last-minute money withdrawals, no criminal record.
Castle: But there was a phone number in his pocket!
Ryan or Esposito: Right. We’ll get right on it. You and Beckett go enjoy yourselves.
Scene 8: Gates checks in
Gates: Um, hell-o. I know you guys were getting along just fine without me, but I’m going to butt in and pretend like I’m doing something important for just a second. What do we have?
Beckett: Well, we’ve got a phone number.
Gates: Well, what are we waiting for? We don’t want some murderer on the loose on Christmas Eve! Oh, and BTW, I’m going to compliment you on your decorations because, well, I’m not a total bitch. At least not all the time.
Scene 9-16: Another suspect — the guy who owns the phone number on the random piece of paper — is questioned, and then set free.
Castle: Well, he’s out. He’s just the guy’s sponsor. What else do we got?
Beckett: There’s still that tiny issue of the weird knife entry.
Ryan or Esposito: A-ha! That knife was pretty hard to track down, but it came from this place in Manhattan and they’ve only sold one of them … ever!
Scene 17-18: Caskett does more out-of-precinct investigation
Knife store owner: I sold that knife to your victim like a week before he died.
Caskett: Well, that’s odd.
Scene 19: Castle returns home to his family, Alexis says something that sparks Castle’s crazy brain
Alexis: Hey dad, I’m feeling pretty bad about myself right now 'cause of this guy at Columbia. I like, want to die. And man, I really want to get drunk again ‘cause, like, I feel like that’s the only thing that would make this pain go away.
Castle: A-ha! Man is in pain, man wants to drink alcohol but can’t, so man commits suicide! Wait a tick. This is Castle. Could it really have been suicide?
Scene 20: The final suspect, who was actually the first suspect, is questioned
Beckett: So, suspect no. 1 who we had forgotten all about, you walked in on your alcoholic husband in his dressing room, only to find him on the brink of suicide. You loved him and wanted to make up with him. But he wasn’t having it and he turned the knife around on you, and then somehow you turned it on him and he died, but in a really funny way. And you fled because you were scared.
Person Who Did It: It was self defense. I had to. He was cray cray.
Scene 21-23: Beckett and Castle rendezvous in the office and share a flirtatious moment
Castle: Well, that was fun.
Beckett: It sure was. Except we didn't jump into bed together. But who cares? You know the viewers will keep watching.
Castle: Oh, and lookie there! That mistletoe we’ve been seeing all episode just so happens to be hanging right above us!
Beckett: Oh, the irony. Let’s stare up at it together, look back at each other’s faces and then realize Esposito and Ryan are standing right behind us before getting embarrassed.
Castle: Then I’ll make a bad joke and excuse myself from the situation.
Beckett: And then I’ll smile all coyly, and our viewers will once again be left with a feeling of both excitement and disappointment. We did it again, dear Castle!