Credit: Chelsea Lauren/Getty Stringer

Joe Jonas’s recent tell-all essay for New York Magazine gave us a lot to process. Not only is it very, very long, but the highly personal account of the 24-year-old’s life in the fast lane includes several startling revelations.

We’ve decided to pick out the top three most startling, most gasp-inducing, most “What will Mickey Mouse say?!” confessions from Joe’s tell-all. Consider this a CliffsNotes to the controversy.

1. That bit about Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato peer pressuring Joe into smoking weed.
In Joe’s case, the keepers of the gateway drug gate were none other than two fellow Disney stars: Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato. He talks up his various indulgences including the time he fell down the stairs presumably drunk at his 21er. Joe also spends several paragraphs dedicated solely to the personal struggles that lead to ex-girlfriend Demi’s rehab trip a few years back, an invasion of privacy that she’s taking the high road about. We’re not sure we’d be quite so gracious.

2. His sex life. His virginity. And hooking up with Disney stars.
If you’re going to tell it all, you might as well tell it all, right? In the essay, Joe doesn’t skimp on details about his sex life, sharing stories of those controversial purity rings, “sneak[ing] out and hook[ing] up” with a fellow Disney star, and even when he lost his virginity (and thus implying which sexy on-screen vampire got his V card).  

3. Joe’s seeming resentment of all things Disney.
He isn’t the first child born from the house of Disney to bite the white-gloved hand that fed him, but Joe’s level of barely suppressed rage is still surprising. He writes of the “certain expectations” that come with “being part of a company like that” and how “a subtle vibe” kept all three Jonas brothers under “incredible pressure … the kind of pressure that no teenager should be under.” Joe even outright accuses Disney of making him and his brothers “sugarcoat” so “many things throughout our career” until finally Joe decided he didn’t want “to be this perfect little puppet forever.” No offense, Pinocchio.

So what do you make of Joe’s essay? Think it’s long overdue or a little too much information? Add your thoughts to the mix!

Elisabeth Kramer is an Assistant Editor at Wetpaint Entertainment and our resident Downton Abbey expert. Follow her on Twitter and Google+!