Bachelorette 2013 Hot Mess of the Week: Chris Siegfried
Hark, what light through yonder window breaks? Oh, wait, it's just Chris Siegfried, basking in the radiant halo of his own poetic musings. Chris took his fetish for Will.I.Am Shakespeare to a whole new level of deranged during this week's episode of The Bachelorette, and we blame the entire medium of poetry.
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It all started when Chris whipped out a piece of parchment paper and some stump of wood masquerading as a pencil during his one-on-one date with Desiree Hartsock. Not only did he force Des to co-author a poem, he shoved said poem into some innocent wine bottle (SACRILEGE, what did that wine do to you, Chris?), and then chucked it into the ocean, presumably killing thousands of mermaids in the process.
The entire island of Madeira thanks you for littering in its crystal clear waters, buddy.
At this point, our lovely little troubadour was so high on his own limericks that he physically couldn't stop himself from busting a rhyme all over the place. It's as if Chris lost the ability to communicate with non-rhyming words, so naturally he decided to confess his love to Desiree by penning her yet another poem. Because really, one can never have enough! Says no one ever.
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This time, Chris' poem almost brought him to tears (and caused us to start dry heaving in a brown bag), which makes sense considering that it featured lines like, "Feelings had changed and were oh-so real. Meant to be is how I feel" and our personal favorite "Our hearts [read: mouths] are open, and in every kiss I truly mean that I love you."
Translation: Chris really likes the word "feel" and wants to make love to Desiree with his tongue.
Also, for those of you naysayers who assume Chris' sensitive musings make him less of a man, think again. Desiree is on record saying that she thinks he has the "biggest BLEEPED WORD FROM CATHERINE" of all her potential husbands. Big because it's so full of poetic love, but still.