The mid-season curse has struck Dancing With the Stars All-Stars! Cursed with fatigue. Cursed with falls. And cursed with insane talent and incurable sexiness. Bruno Tonioli was right. Team "Call Me Maybe" looked like its own pro troupe out there on Monday’s "Guilty Pleasures" Week 5 Performance Show. And Gilles Marini was such a smokin’ bodyguard, he almost got Carrie Ann Inaba pregnant. (Better luck next time, girl!)  

To be safe, maybe we should all stay on the floor for the rest of the season. There were other fall-worthy moments beyond Carrie Ann sliding off her chair. Tonight was a short episode — with the remaining dances coming tomorrow — but it included shockers like shots of Melissa Rycroft’s strange team dance injury, Kirstie Alley having an emotional breakdown but getting her highest score to date, and Kelly Monaco taking the lowest spot on the leaderboard. Granted, there are four more individual routines coming tomorrow night — not to mention next Monday’s routines, before the next elimination a week from now — but Team Vally at the bottom? Call Us Floored.

PARTIAL LEADERBOARD
Since only half the dances were performed tonight, here’s half the leaderboard, with the rest coming tomorrow.

Gilles Marini & Peta Murgatroyd — 29.5 out of 30
Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough — 29.5 out of 30
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani — 29.5 out of 30
Sabrina Bryan & Louis van Amstel — 29.5 out of 30
Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff — 29.5 out of 30
Emmitt Smith & Cheryl Burke —  29 out of 30
Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — 25.5 out of 30
Kelly Monaco & Valentin Chmerkovskiy — 24.5 out of 30

Read on for a full recap of Monday’s Week 5 action:

1. Kelly Monaco & Valentin Chmerkovskiy — Samba to “Want U Back” by Cher Lloyd (which Cher just performed on a recent Results Show) — Kelly is pulling double duty with General Hospital, so this week — with one individual routine and a team dance — it’s a lot. Val said she’s breaking down physically and mentally. The halfway point of the competition is always rough on everyone. They say it every season. This is a very dark, edgy, almost goth look for a cutesy pop Samba. Team Vally is always awesome, but this is not their best.

JUDGES: Len Goodman said he’s an enemy of the unnecessary and he found it long-winded getting started. There were elements that he liked, but for him there was too much gyrating and it was too on the raunchy side. Tom Bergeron mentioned he sometimes likes the raunchy stuff. Bruno Tonioli said she’s a titillating tasty tease and he likes that. But her Samba bounce looked forced sometimes. Carrie Ann Inaba said this week she was a bit uncertain in her body. Her lower body was working it, but she looked a bit disconnected. It wasn’t her best, but she did a good try. Agreed, sadly.

SCORES: 8, 8, 8.5 = 24.5 out of 30.

2. Gilles Marini & Peta Murgatroyd — Rumba to “I Will Always Love You,” by Whitney Houston from The Bodyguard — This song means a lot to him in his heart. It came out when he was starting to really luck out with the ladies. Peta also previously said he used to sing this song and the other boys didn’t like it. They go out there and make some babies — Gilles in his suit and Peta in her almost not there two-piece. She is quite flexible.

JUDGES: Bruno said that was not a dance, that was “master class theater.” He was expressing every movement like it was words. It was one of the best performances he’s seen. Carrie Ann yelled “Let the baby-making begin!” Then she fell off her chair! Maybe she wanted it to begin right away. “That was worth it,” Carrie Ann said. “I’ll take a fall anytime like that.” It was the perfect balance between romance, sensuality and poetry in motion. Len said Gilles turned October into Hottober. Len said it was a blockbuster and should be Oscar nominated. Len was concerned, though, telling Peta not to keep lifting her leg. Is he serious?

SCORES: 10, 9.5, 10 = 29.5 out of 30

3. Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep to “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel — Now that Bristol is gone, everyone left is a great dancer. Kirstie thinks they have an edge because not everyone left is a great entertainer. She wants this to be a segment of the audience’s guilty pleasure too, because so many older women are in love with Maks. Kirstie is too slow and it’s frustrating her. “I should be excellent by now, and I’m not,” she said. She wants to do better. She cried about it in rehearsals. They also dress in black. This is the ultimate cougar anthem, so why do they spend most of it looking serious and not their usual happy selves? Cute kisses behind the screen at the end, though!

JUDGES: Carrie Ann said this is a tough season and she thought it was her best dance by miles. Her carriage was lifted. She had one little boo boo but there was quality of movement. Len said it was her best dance too. Bruno said she got her toy boy when she wanted him and she delivered it. Her footwork was fantastic. There was a little issue, but nothing to worry about.

SCORES: 8.5, 8.5, 8.5 = 25.5 out of 30. Her highest score. Kirstie said this was an especially emotional week for her. Halfway point. Gets ‘em every time.

4. Emmitt Smith & Cheryl Burke — Samba to “Copacabana” by Barry Manilow — Now this is a more like the usual Sambas. Fast. Fun. Bright. Lots of smiles. It’s supposed to be a blast, and this one was!

JUDGES: Len said it was an unstoppable performance. Well done. Bruno said he’s always switched on and he delivered maximum pleasure. The Samba is very difficult but he makes it look easy. He creates an atmosphere of the best party in the country. Carrie Ann said no one does Samb like him. He has the “Samba swagger!” He had a little boo boo in the beginning, but … who cares, basically.

SCORES: 9.5, 9.5, 10 = 29 out of 30.

TEAM “CALL ME MAYBE”
Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough
Sabrina Bryan & Louis van Amstel
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani
Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff

Melissa was injured during team rehearsals and diagnosed with a disc herniation at the C4-C5 level of her cervical spine. She got official clearance to dance.

They’re guessing the other team will go for comedy tomorrow, so they are going for technique. But they also go for entertainment, dressing as peppy, happy football players and cheerleaders at DWTS High. Even Shawn fell at one point during rehearsals. Melissa and Tony butted heads (literally, not a fight) even before Melissa had some kind of neck injury. They called in EMTs. Shawn said it gave them all a big scare.

They do seem very clean, polished and evenly matched on the dance floor. They all look like pros! Very cute and clever choreography.

JUDGES: Len said it was quality as a group and individually. He loved how they introduced the individual couples. Fantastic. Bruno said the choreography, the flow, it was almost impossible to distinguish the celebrities and the professionals. (Yes.) Carrie Ann did a “You’ve got spirit!” cheer.

SCORES: 9.5, 10, 10 = 29.5 out of 30

What did you think of the Week 5 dances and scores (so far)? Head here for all the voting numbers and other ways to vote for the All-Stars. Vote! Vote! Vote!

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.

Gina Carbone is a contributing writer at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @ginacarbone.

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