If anything can save a night with so many harsh judges’ comments, it’s shirtless men in shades and a towel workin’ it to “Gangnam Style.” Especially when the aforementioned towel gets removed. (Bruno Tonioli, if you ever sell that thing on eBay, give us a call!)

Monday was Night One of Dancing With the Stars All-Stars “Guilty Pleasures” Week 5, and the magic continued on Tuesday. Except the one-hour show wasn’t that magical when it comes to the judges’ comments. Their scores weren’t that low — although they were all over the map at times — but they had some very not nice things to say. 

Len Goodman didn’t think Shawn Johnson’s Rumba was a Rumba. Carrie Ann Inaba called Lift Police. Carrie Ann also called out Apolo Ohno for something not being quite “right” with him in general. She’s waiting for his “breakthrough” dance and thinks he needs better chemistry with Karina Smirnoff. Totally disagree on that. In fact, we’re going to have to side with crazy Bruno, who was the happiest judge of the night. Maybe we’re losing our minds!

But perhaps the judges felt free to let their freak flags fly since no one is going home this week. Everyone will return for Country Week 6, which Sabrina Bryan is now in a good place to rock. Get it, Disney princess! Unfortunately, Kelly Monaco is way at the bottom, but we know Team Vally will rally on Monday.

LEADERBOARD
Here’s a quick rundown of the Week 5 leaderboard, starting with the scores from Monday’s Performance Show.

Sabrina Bryan & Louis van Amstel — 29.5 + 29 = 58.5 out of 60
Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough — 29.5 + 27 = 56.5
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani — 29.5 +  27 = 56.5
Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff — 29.5 + 27 = 56.5 
Gilles Marini & Peta Murgatroyd — 29.5 +  27 = 56.5
Emmitt Smith & Cheryl Burke —  29 + 27 = 56
Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — 25.5 + 27 = 52.5
Kelly Monaco & Valentin Chmerkovskiy — 24.5 + 27 = 51.50

Read on for a full recap of Tuesday’s Week 5 action:

1. Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani — Tango to “Toxic” by Britney Spears — Last week Karina slipped to a song called “Poison.” This week Melissa had a neck injury during a week with a song called “Toxic.” Pick nice songs, everyone! Melissa had never done a Tango before. Argentine Tango is not quite the same. She cried in rehearsals from stress. Tony was worried he might’ve pushed her too hard. It was Friday. They had no idea her injury was coming on Sunday. Bad week for Mel! Their intro is funky — like she’s the Bride of Frankenstein or something. She did a serious leg kick and back bend, so she has to be feeling pretty OK. There are lots of sharp head flicks in a Tango, which can’t feel good on her neck. This it the Tango where lifts are not allowed.

JUDGES: Len Goodman said he would give her a verbal pat on the back. Occasionally he felt she could’ve snapped a little bit more. Host Tom Bergeron defended Melissa, saying she did have her injury. Len said he knew that, but he could only judge on what he saw. He also told Tom, “You keep your witty comments to yourself.” Tom said it was more of a factual comment to try and find Len’s beating heart. SNAP! Take it outside, boys. Bruno Tonioli said Melissa was sexy and hot, but perhaps because of her injury her top lines could’ve been sharper. Carrie Ann Inaba said she’s always been the all-American sweetheart, but this time she was gritty.

SCORES: 9, 9, 9 = 27 out of 30. Total of 56.5 out of 60.

2. Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough — Rumba to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion, from Titanic — They knew Gilles would do a sexy Rumba. (Which he did yesterday.) They have a romantic song, but she’s worried about the Rumba because it’s not her character at all. Kelly and Gilles are actors who are paid to show emotion, so they have that advantage, she said, She doesn’t normally open up or show emotion. Derek wants to bring out her vulnerable side. They are Jack and Rose out there, never letting go. Derek does have a little bit of a Leo vibe, doesn’t he? Especially with that hair. Derek fades into the smoke in the end. Jack is dead! Long live Jack! They did the whole dance on a raised black circle.

JUDGES: Bruno said “That was awesome!” It was like waves in the ocean. He was with them every minute. She was emotionally connected like he’s never seen. Touching, romantic and stunning. Carrie Ann felt like a proud mama. She has grown so much. There was a lift, she said, so she had to send Shawn to her room as Lift Police. It was a catch, they said, not a lift. Len said “For me it was a Dickens novel. I had Great Expectations, I got Bleak House.” There was no hip action, he said. The crowd booed. Carrie Ann and Bruno disagreed. Len said it was beautiful, but not a Rumba. Carrie Ann and Bruno strongly disagreed. (Tom quipped that Carrie Ann would be playing the iceberg, but maybe it was really Len.)

SCORES: 9, 8, 10 = 27 out of 30. Total of 56.5 out of 60

3. Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff — Samba to “Give It to Me Baby” by Rick James — Cheesy Vegas leopard lounge lizard alert. Apolo is pretty fearless with his costumes, but where’s the afro we were hoping for? They couldn’t get his hair to do it? He definitely does the sexy hip thrusts, but if Len didn’t like the raunch from Kelly and Val last night, he may have to be hosed down after this. Very fun!


JUDGES: Carrie Ann said Apolo’s leg work is fantastic and the way he used the floor was amazing. “Something is not quite right,” she said. Apolo is a shining star but he hasn’t had his breakthrough dance. He’s not where he should be, she said. They need to work on their chemistry and teamwork. (WHAT?) Len said “It’s like I’m in the home for the bewildered here, I can’t believe that.” He thought the dance was terrific. There was a bit too much thrusting, but it was terrific. Bruno agreed with Len. He was sexy and his timing was good. There was one little not so good move but he did a really good job.

SCORES: 8.5, 9.5, 9 = 27 out of 30. Total of 56.5 out of 60.

4. Sabrina Bryan & Louis van Amstel — Waltz to “So This Is Love” from Cinderella — Sabrina hopes this can be her breakthrough. She is wearing the pretty blue gown, just like Cinderella in the Disney movie.  

JUDGES: Len loved the story and the flow of it all. It was such a charming number. He thinks Cinderella is going to the ball. Bruno called it a magic ride to an enchanted kingdom. He’s never seen her do so many faces. Len got up to leave to get away from all his arm swings. They gave him the shoe. It was cartoonish and delicious. Carrie Ann said she was going for vulnerability but didn’t quite get there. But it was elegance personified; she didn’t need vulnerability. It was light, airy, gorgeous, and she’s in for a happy ending.

SCORES: 10, 9.5, 9.5 = 29 out of 30. Total of 58.5 out of 60.


TEAM “GANGNAM STYLE”
Gilles Marini & Peta Murgatroyd
Emmitt Smith & Cheryl Burke
Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Kelly Monaco & Valentin Chmerkovskiy

Love the bright suits and the ladies’ serious faces at the start of the show. The men were goofy and the women stared us down, intense Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction style. Maks is an “alpha male,” Gilles realized during rehearsals. He may not be receptive to anyone else’s suggestions. They seemed to have a lot of “chaos,” as Kelly put it.

Kirstie did a double cartwheel and some interested aerobics. Everyone had to strip off their suits and do the typical “Gangnam Style” moves. Oh Vaaaaaalllll. He is made for this. Shirtless with shades. He and Kelly owned the heck out of their part. Gilles and Peta were just in towels. He should go full Sex and the City. They definitely have fun guilty pleasure cheese on their side, but it’s not as clean and tight as last night’s routine. Except for the abs. The abs are crazy tight. Gilles vs. Val — who had the hotter shirtless dance?

JUDGES: Len said, “That was the craziest number I have ever seen. It wasn’t tight, it wasn’t together, but that should’ve come with a health warning.” It was fun, he said. Bruno said “Gilles, give me that towel, I’m wetting myself.” SO HE DID! Gilles whipped it off and showed his tighty whities! Carrie Ann said they were a hot mess. Oh yeah.

SCORES: 9, 9, 9 = 27 out of 30.

What did you think of the Week 5 dances and scores? Head here for all the voting numbers and other ways to vote for the All-Stars. Vote! Vote! Vote!

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.

Gina Carbone is a contributing writer at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @ginacarbone.

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Credit: YouTube Photo: DWTS All-Stars Week 5: "Gangnam Style" Team Freestyle (VIDEO)