Warning, spoilers ahead!
Maybe the key to doing well on Dancing With the Stars is to kick your partner in the nether regions. It seemed to work well for Season 13 dancer Chynna Phillips, who sent a stray foot over to partner Tony Dovolani’s Little Tony during rehearsals, but still managed to kick-start the show with what Len Goodman called one of the best first dances he’s ever seen. Chynna & Tony — who were our early prediction to leave first, oops! — got a score of 22 out of 30 for their Viennese Waltz, tying fellow Waltzers J.R. Martinez & Karina Smirnoff for the top scores of the premiere.
Life was a lot harder on the Cha-Cha-Cha dancers, especially Ron Artest (aka Metta World Peace), who proved a funky new name and an even funkier costume can’t disguise bad dancing. Since he and new pro Peta Murgatroyd got the lowest score of the night — 14 out of 30 — and they had the dreaded first dance of the night, he Metta be worried about surviving tomorrow’s Results Show.
Read on for a full breakdown of the Week 1 action.
1. Ron Artest/Metta World Peace & Peta Murgatroyd — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Krazy" by Pitbull feat. Lil Jon — At least once a season someone dresses up like a tacky pimp and this season we’re starting the show with him. Ron has a new name, newly bleached hair, shiny orange pants and a questionable Cha-Cha-Cha. This will not help him survive the curse of the first performers — who tend to be forgotten by the end of the show when it’s time to vote. JUDGES: Head judge Len Goodman said it lacked Cha-Cha content and his footwork was “atrocious.” “It was all sizzle, no sausage.” Bruno Tonioli said Ron has performance power, but because he has such length of bone, it’s tough to navigate. “Go for it dancer Tron.” Carrie Ann Inaba calls him eccentric and sexy. Technically it was wrong, but it had some performance value. SCORES: 5, 4, 5 = 14 out of 30.
Here’s the voting phone number for Team PetRon: 1-800-VOTE-401 (1-800-868-3401)
2. Rob Kardashian & Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz to "Lake Michigan" by Rouge Wave — The background package takes us to Chez Kardashian, where Rob talks about how he has to beat Kim’s DWTS record. Cheryl says Rob has potential to go all the way, but he lacks focus. Rob is used to being bossed around by women. His performance is surprisingly not awful. He has a big smile and good energy and seems to be having fun. Kim is close to tears in the audience. JUDGES: Bruno said he danced that Waltz like he was under strict orders to succeed. Bruno didn’t feel any musicality at all. He’s being too harsh at this point; this is a decent Week 1 dance. Carrie Ann tells Bruno to take it easy. Khloe Kardashian heckles from the audience to support her bro — something to Bruno about how he needs to open his ears or whatever. Are we going to have to deal with helicopter siblings every week? Carrie Ann says she sees potential in Rob. He has to work on getting rid of his rigidity and letting things flow. “You clean up nice.” Len says he’s not impressed, but not depressed. Rob was OK, but it was too careful. SCORES: 6, 5, 5 = 16 out of 30.
Vote for Team CherBert: 1-800-868-3402
3. Kristin Cavallari & Mark Ballas — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz — Kristin wants us to know she’s not a b*tch. Cue a b*tchy scene from The Hills! Mark says she is naturally coordinated … just like his last partner, Chelsea Kane. (Trend?) She’s pretty good for the first week, but that will be expected from her, so will that be enough? JUDGES: Carrie Ann said Kristin has the body to ballroom dance and her “hairography” was working. She’s excited to see more from Kristin. She shines. Len said it was bright and lively and it had lots going on, but he wants her to come out of her shell a bit. Bruno said “You know I love a bad girl, a bad girl with hot hips that can give hot action.” She has the potential, but she needs to work on cleanliness and precision; she can’t go half-way. SCORES: 7, 6, 6 = 19 out of 30.
Vote for Team KristinBalls: 1-800-868-3403
4. Chynna Phillips & Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz to "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys — Three seconds into the video package and we hear from Billy Baldwin. But we need more. Tell us about Alec! What’s he really like? She’s already beating up Tony The Teeth in practice. Her brain isn’t communicating with her feet … and she kicked Tony in his Little Tony! Poor guy always gets a raw deal, from Kate Gosselin to Wendy Williams to getting his nuts kicked. However, on the dance floor, Chynna is naturally elegant and moves well. She has real talent. JUDGES: Len said it wasn’t the best first dance he’s ever seen, but it was close. Bruno said Chynna looked like she was stepping out of a dream and straight into his heart. She had musicality and lovely touches. Carrie Ann said Chynna was gorgeous. “Everything was perfection.” So it sounds like our prediction that she goes home first just got trounced! SCORES: 8, 7, 7 = 22 out of 30.
Vote for Team CHYNNADOVE: 1-800-868-3404
5. Nancy Grace & Tristan MacManus — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Cry Baby" by Cee Lo Green — Seeing Nancy Grace show off her cleavage is a bit scarring. Tristan is our fake boyfriend for the season, so we’re definitely pulling for him. Nancy says she’s not the youngest or the prettiest but she has the most heart. (And cleavage. Just sayin’.) She starts her dance in front of a green screen and desk, ripping off her jacket to show off a sparkling silver cocktail dress. She’s working it out there. They seem to be aiming for this season’s Kirstie & Maks. Tristan looks cuter than should be humanly possible in his suspenders. There’s a weird ending to the dance where she just walks to the stage on her own. What was that about? JUDGES: Bruno says he had no idea she was so lavishly gifted. Then he asks about her other twins, in the audience. Carrie Ann said she is so cute and might be the happiest contestant, but she has to work on remembering her choreography. Len says dancing is a see-saw and she has to have balance. She had neat and precise, but no attack. It was underwhelming. The judges start arguing about this idea. SCORES: 5, 5, 6 = 16 out of 30.
Vote for Team MacGrace: 1-800-868-3405
6. David Arquette & Kym Johnson — Viennese Waltz to "Somebody to Love by Queen — David has been sober for almost eight months. He’s into being present and connected, but also silly and romantic. Kym says David is such a great student. There’s serious smoke machine action in front of the lights at the start of their dance, but thankfully it doesn’t head to the dance floor. He gets a little lost out there and messes up a bit, but this is very, very, very good for Week 1. He has so much energy, potential, flair and movement ability. This guy will probably get to finals. Dang it! Why didn’t we put him in our finale prediction? JUDGES: Carrie Ann said all he needs to do is relax a little. Len was very, very impressed, but he needs to cover up his mistakes better. “You’re a dancer,” Len says. Bruno said he did look the part of the romantic leading man and the goddess ready to be worshipped, but he got tangled into her. SCORES: 6, 6, 6 = 18 out of 30.
Vote for Team Good Times: 1-800-868-3406
7. Elisabetta Canalis & Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" by Katy Perry — So much for no rivalry between Maks and Val! Val says he gave Maks 10 seasons to win but if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Ha! He tells Elisabetta that his job is to get her to win and her job is to make him look better than Maks. They have Italian/Russian language barriers to overcome. They start their routine from a bed. Val is already shirtless, which is a good sign. He looks cute in his letterman jacket. He’s fun to watch but she needs to loosen up in a big way. She looks stiff and half-drugged at the same time. JUDGES: Len didn’t like the bed with all that “malarkey.” Len said he didn’t mind it but once she got out of Val’s arms she became weak and brittle. Bruno liked the bed. And she’s good when she’s handled by a man. But she doesn’t have the confidence to sustain the performance on her own. Carrie Ann echoes the idea that she’s good in Val’s arms but not strong on her own. SCORES: 5, 5, 5 = 15 out of 30.
Vote for Team Valisabetta: 1-800-868-3407
8. Hope Solo & Maksim Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz to "Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band — They start by playing soccer with Maks in goal. He’s already flirting with her in practice, having her squeeze his “ginormous” arm muscle. This dance requires dainty feminine steps and it doesn’t suit Hope, Maks says. On the floor she moves very well, but they seem to lack a connection as a couple. They seem to be doing two separate routines. And, once again, the dance ends with a random walk across the stage. Why are people doing that this season? Len hates stuff like that. JUDGES: Bruno says she has great drive and attack and musicality but lacks control. Carrie Ann said the body contact and connection were good. Her lines are really gorgeous, Carrie Ann says. Len said she had good hold and posture, but she just needs more softness and femininity. Bruno made what sounded like another pass at Maks but Maks only had kisses for Tom Bergeron. SCORES: 7, 7, 7 = 21 out of 30.
Vote for Team MakSolo: 1-800-868-3408
9. Carson Kressley & Anna Trebunskaya — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 & Christina Aguilera — Carson is already dropping a bunch of one-liners and he’s always throwing jabs at Nancy Grace. He wanted to be paired with Maks or Mark or Derek. Get in line, buddy! He is hilarious to watch on the dance floor. His expressions are classic. He brings out the fun in Anna like no one has since Jerry Rice. The audience eats it up. JUDGES: Carrie Ann said it was her favorite dance of the night, by far. (Yes! This is why we DID put him on our finale prediction list.) “You are something else.” Len said there were elements of Jagger, swagger and stagger. He doesn’t want Carson to go home because he’s such good entertainment. Bruno said camp is an art form. We got two for the price of one — Mick and Bianca Jagger. SCORES: 6, 5, 6 = 17 out of 30.
Vote for Team CarsonAnna: 1-800-868-3409
10. J.R. Martinez & Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz to "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson — He had 33 surgeries after being burned in Iraq. Karina says he’s a real-life hero. He’s a positive, happy-go-lucky guy. He spins her low on the floor and does a lot of movement on his own. JUDGES: For Len, JR stands for “just right.” He’s up there with the best performance of the night. Bruno said he has courage and sense of humor and great hips. Carrie Ann was touched by his performance. Are they reading into this? He didn’t seem to do that much out there. SCORES: 8, 7, 7 = 22 out of 30.
Vote for Team Martinoff: 1-800-868-3410
11. Ricki Lake & Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz to "This Years Love" by David Gray — She melted when she saw she was paired with Derek. Kirstie Alley inspired her to sign up for the show. It’s so good to see Derek back out here again. Ricki looks elegant, even when her dress flips up and shows a bit too much. JUDGES: Bruno said Ricki looked like the cat that got the cream. They had great chemistry. Carrie Ann said she looked like a little princess and Derek is a perfect prince. They finish each other’s moves well. Len said he didn’t want to be picky, Ricky, but her footwork was off. She did have elegance and fluidity overall. SCORES: 7, 6, 7 = 20 out of 30.
Vote for Team DRickilous: 1-800-868-3411
12. Chaz Bono & Lacey Schwimmer — Cha-Cha-Cha to "Dancing in the Street" by Mick Jagger & David Bowie — Lacey and Chaz seem to have so much fun together. She makes him less serious. He had a good time out there. Their routine was full of life. JUDGES: Carrie Ann says Chaz can really dance. Len calls him “Razzamatazz Chaz.” He had great attitude and good footwork. Bruno said he was cheeky but also cute and cuddly. His timing was good. SCORES: 6, 5, 6 = 17 out of 30.
Vote for Team Schwaz: 1-800-868-3412
You can also vote for everyone online here at ABC’s official DWTS site.