Yep, he’s still as cuddly as a cactus with garlic in his soul. And we still love him. Our documentation of head judge Len Goodman’s classic Grumpy moments continues with his best ‘80s gripes from Dancing With the Stars Season 13, Week 5.
Len vs. Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba on Hope Solo
At the risk of playing favorites among the children, we think Len’s fights with Bruno are the very best. They are the two old Muppets in the balcony come to life. Hope Solo & Maksim Chmerkovskiy had the first dance of Week 5 and Len tried to start the night on a positive note — bless him — by saying Maks did a good job. But after complimenting Maks’s routine, he said Hope was “too willowy in the body.” The audience booed and Len started yelling that he normally “charges” for that kind of insult. Bruno appreciated Hope’s “superbitch” attitude, and found her “strong, sexy and powerful.” It turned into Len vs. Bruno over Hope’s level of strength, with Len hiding his face in disgust as Bruno continued to shout. During Carrie Ann’s critique, Len was like a fourth-grader listening to his mom, making all kinds of “OMG she’s soooo annoying" faces. Carrie Ann did not appreciate it, but couldn’t bring herself to ignore him. At this point Len was probably just trying not to ask if it was time for Castle to start.
Len vs. Carrie Ann on Rob Kardashian
Len was tough but kind on Carson Kressley, had some nice compliments for Nancy Grace, and raved about J.R. Martinez. But Len is allergic to Carrie Ann's gushing when it comes to Rob Kardashian. She went on about Rob being strong, sexy, and in control. She compared him to the tortoise in The Tortoise and the Hare fable. Len had to pull a Kanye and interrupt Carrie Ann to have his voice heard. He didn't have anything bad to say to Rob - he just wanted to calm Carrie Ann down a bit. Someone had to!
Len vs. Bruno on Chaz Bono
No one ever has to tell Bruno the difference between showing and telling. After Chaz Bono and Lacey Schimmer’s Samba, Len was kind and told Chaz it was “a gallant effort.” But Len isn’t the type to say something nice and then sit silently with a poker face while others speak. Bruno was next up to critique, and said Chaz really got his buns going. “It was like a dribbling basketball!” Bruno stood up to illustrate a bum wiggle, in case we needed further reference. Len hates — but probably secretly loves! — when Bruno stands up and flails his body parts around, so he turned to Carrie Ann to complain. Len only bonds with Carrie Ann when it comes to their shared exasperation with Bruno.
Len vs. Carrie Ann on David Arquette
This fight inspired a classic SIT DOWN moment from host Tom Bergeron. First, Len gave David Arquette & Kym Johnson some nice things to say about their Tango. Unfortunately, they came in the form of back-handed compliments. Example: He could talk about their hold and “this and that,” but at this point in the season, he said, contestants have to either show up or shut up. David merely showed up. Len’s temper also showed up after Carrie Ann countered that David’s hold improved. Len started waving his hands around in disagreement and — in an unusual move — Carrie Ann decided to shut him up by giving him a kiss on the cheek. She only managed to distract herself, not Len. When Tom reminded her that she was talking about David’s hold, Carrie Ann said she disagreed with Len — to her, David needs to work on his musicality. Everything else was there. He was more steady on his feet. Len wasn’t going to sit still for that. He jumped in with “No, no, this is not a romantic dance!” He went on about the aggression of the “Tainted Love” Tango as Carrie Ann tried to talk over him about musicality. Tom jumped over to the judges’ table, saying “Kids, kids — when we all talk at the same time, we hear nothing!” Wise words, Father Tom. Wise words.
Len vs. Derek Hough, Carrie Ann and Bruno
Every so often Len likes to challenge the choreographers. His favorite targets are Derek Hough, Maksim, and Mark Ballas. Mark is gone and Len pointed his pencil at Maks last week, so it was Derek’s turn. Bruno was the first to talk after Ricki Lake’s Foxtrot, but Len was giving the loudest nonverbal critique, bowing his head and scrunching up his face in an obvious “This was not my cup of tea” statement. Len wasn’t into Ricki & Derek’s Roger Rabbit and Running Man moves. He began his critique with “No one likes funk like I do...” but had to pause to deal with the guffawing Bruno and Carrie Ann. “Why do I have all this,” he complained, pointing to his fellow judges. However, he continued to Derek, funk is not something that he appreciates in the Foxtrot. In addition to that, in the hold there was no body contact. Three-time champ Derek is held to an especially high standard, so when he doesn’t hit the mark no one feels the need to hold back about it. Of course, Len never holds back about anything. If anyone knows about a “sermon on the mount,” it’s Grumpy!