Credit: Adam Taylor/ABC Television Group © 2010 Disney Photo: Kendra Wilkinson & Louis van Amstel: Miss

Apparently America = Sex. That’s the lesson of Dancing With the Stars Season 12, American Week, which was so oversexed, Maks had to sell some off to Bruno. Here are five of our favorite moments from the red-white-and-ball-busting Week 5.

5. John Travolta shows up
Gimmick of the week! Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy didn’t have a mishap this time, but they needed something for people to talk about, so they gave us a two-punch: A funny behind-the-scenes video with John Travolta as “The Dance Doctor” and Maks taking his shirt off and working his pleather pants in “American Woman.” It’s worth noting that neither of the gimmicks had anything to do with Kirstie’s actual dancing. We haven’t just talked about her dancing since that first surprisingly good Cha-Cha-Cha.

4. Kendra has more to say about Carrie Ann
The actual comment that Carrie Ann Inaba made last week — that sexy and elegant aren’t that different and Kendra looked like she was afraid of elegance — was not even a 5 on the 1-10 scale of harsh judge comments. But Kendra’s reaction definitely reached at least an 8. She said she didn’t care about elegance, although she added that she was kidding. Her partner, Louis van Amstel, said he was disappointed in Kendra’s comment and she cried backstage in embarrassment. And that was last week.  We thought it would all be over by now, but in post-show interviews, Kendra talked abut how she felt Carrie Ann “belittled” and embarrassed her. Louis came to her defense, saying her comments were twisted. But then we saw her video package when she seemed to say even worse things abut Carrie Ann, saying the judge made her feel like trash for judging her — which is what the judges are supposed to do. Kendra used some f-words that were bleeped out and Louis said, in the state-the-obvious comment of the week, that Kendra is sensitive about the elegance issue. She’s sensitive about everything, man.

3. Bruno wants sex (not just dinner) from Ralph
Ralph Macchio & Karina Smirnoff danced first on American Week. Usually it takes a while for judge Bruno Tonioli to work himself up into a highly inappropriate frenzy, but it was a bad sign when he immediately stood up, starting doing his hip thrusts and said Ralph needed to work his loins more in his Samba. “Give me sex, man!” Ralph took it well, but judge Len Goodman looked at Bruno like he’s never seen anything so appalling. In the Celebriquarium, Ralph joked that he would take Bruno out to dinner to win him over. As Tom reminded him, “Bruno doesn’t just want dinner.” Run, Ralph!

2. Bruno propositions Maks
Since Bruno started the night telling cowboy Ralph he wanted sex, it’s no wonder shirtless Maks later hid behind Kirstie when faced with Bruno. Of course Bruno wanted to buy “gigolo” Maks, asking if he had to go through an agent or do a direct booking. Maks said “I’m expensive” and Bruno returned with “I can afford it.” It’s probably time for Bruno to go on a show like The Millionaire Matchmaker, since his attempt to pick up guys in the ballroom doesn’t seem to be working.

1. Maks is Sex on a Stick
It’s always funny to hear how much Maks loves himself. We love him, too, but just a touch of humility would help. In DWTS reject Mike Catherwood’s mock behind-the-scenes exposé on the Results Show, we watch Kirstie & Maks in rehearsals. Kirstie accuses Maks of being cocky and Maks tries to defend himself by arguing that he’s not cocky at all, he’s just not blind — he can see that he’s sexy. It’s just a fact. “I see myself and I go, ‘Who is that sex?’ It’s like, sex on a stick, you know? I’m like a stick that’s been dipped into, like, a boiling pot of sex and they took me out and, like, [swirls hands around] and I just ate it. You know what I mean? And that’s what I am. You know? I have common sense.” Wow.