Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Photo: David Hasselhoff at the DWTS Premiere
After an hour of rehashing, Tom Bergeron took the stage with a new tie for the results show. Though they didn’t show it, the costumers worked overtime to successfully wrangle Brooke Burke’s breasts into something appropriate. It’s almost like they read these recaps.

Santana kicked off the evening with a musical performance. Cheryl and Maks took center stage for “Oye Como Va” with Corky and Anna cleaning up for the musical bridge, followed by Tony and Kym. The next bridge had the three men looking sexy, the three women looking fierce, and then a combination of all of them rocking it out. We were all thankful that the first dance was provided by the teachers this year, rather than a bunch of lesser anony-dancers, as it was far better and nearly even worth the live musical performance. Santana was still better, but the dancing didn’t actually detract from the performance.

Instead of a lead-in by Len, the producers went with a simple recap of last night’s leaderboard and some backstage scenes. If The Hof weren’t drunk, he ought to work on the speech impediment; everyone else was worried; and Jennifer loves Derek. We all do, really.

Tom they told Michael and Chelsie they were safe, to everyone’s surprise. Margaret and Louis were safe, too, mostly to Margaret’s surprise. Then they broke for commercial because, as Tom said, “We have an hour to fill.”

They sadly brought Adam Corolla back for a “comedic” interlude. He told jokes about The Hoff’s hair, having sex at a bar mitzvah, old ladies, Len being old, World War II, and Bruno’s sexuality. We made it sounds funnier than it was. Even Tom called it a buzzkill.

Next up Daughtry with “September,” in which Daughtry emoted really hard and the producers brought back professionals not good enough to be paired with stars. For the first time, the hair budget was really obvious in a man’s wig, which also served as the most notable thing about the dancing.

Backstage, Brooke Burke decided to grill everyone in “hair and makeup,” which wasn’t. The producers seem to have actually scripted her questions this time, killing our ability to ask “Really, Brooke Burke?!” Jennifer tried to be nice to Brooke and ask her for “tips” on how to survive the competition, which is how we knew it was scripted.

Len finally reflected on last night’s performance. He thought it was fabulous. He found even the “not the best dancers” perfectly entertaining and wished everyone could come back. Thus, it was time for more eliminations.

Tom told Jennifer and Derek they were safe, obviously, because America isn’t that stupid. Rick and Cheryl will be back, too.

Santana paired up with india.arie for “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” because the producers don’t hate us, truly. Karina and Derek tried to distract from her awesomeness with a rumba, but it didn’t work.

Brooke Burke asked Audrina about her experience, and Audrina tried to convey emotion and failed. Florence wants to come back, and managed to be way more vivacious than Audrina due to her ability to express emotion. Kurt likes performing. Bristol told Brooke Burke that Sarah Palin had a party at her house in Wasilla for the premiere, and she “thinks” her mom liked the performance.

Then, Tom discovered the wetbar in the balcony for the first time, and they showed footage of the stars meeting for the first time. Kyle admits that he was one of the most random cast members; Florence tried to touch The Situation’s abs; Audrina seriously swore she loved Jennifer Grey; and Jennifer Grey thought Margaret was “divine.” Plus, they swear they bonded, of course.

Tom then told Audrina and Tony that they were safe; while Brooke had the honors for Florence and Corky.

Santana then performed “Photograph” with Chris Daughtry, because apparently it’s 1999 and “Supernatural” is totally popular again. But Derek paired with Lacey and Mark with Chelsie for the best dancing that could happen when handed a Santana-Daughtry pairing. Tom Bergeron is apparently totally into Daughtry and Santana and asked who they are voting for. Chris Daughtry is all into Michael because they used a Daughtry song; Santana took a swipe at Len and put his marker down on Kurt.

All the professionals then relived their times going home first, Louis (with a ponytail!), Mark and Shannen and Kym and Penn. Tony, Chelsie and Karina also got to relive their worst fears, and Maks and Cheryl pretended to be worried. Then they cut to commercial.

Brooke Burke got to interview everyone yet again, because the audience wasn’t bored enough. Brandy expressed nervousness and The Hoff tried to grab her shoulder and she quite successfully fended that off. She’s been in Hollywood most of her life, David, duh. The Situation hoped he’ll last (probably a familiar feeling for him).

Tom then told Brandy and Maks they were coming back, and Brandy freaked out. Then Tom gave Bristol and Mark the good news… but Mark seemed way more happy about it than Bristol. That ain’t a good sign. Then they broke for commercial again.

Tom granted mercy to Kurt and Anna after the commercial. Brooke gave the same sense of relief to The Situation and Karina. Then Tom introduced Kyle’s mom, from whom he obviously gets his looks, but his family thought he was great. The Hoff’s daughters admitted they made him do it despite his bad knees, but they loved it, and The Hoff seemed happy about that.

America chose wisely, however, and eliminated The Hoff, because no one wanted to see that again. Brooke Burke asked what the most difficult part of losing was (Really, Brooke Burke?!) and he said it was disappointing Kym, though he loved that his daughters got to see him. But just to be jerks, the producers played him out with The Police’s “Can’t Stand Losing,” so he obviously annoyed more than just the audience.