Please gather your loved ones (aka your favorite bottles of alcohol) and say bye-bye-bye to The Bachelorette's Craig Muhlbauer. You left Bachelor Mansion too soon, our sweet, simple-minded, and possibly mentally-addled friend.
Craig initially won our hearts during Andi Dorfman's limo arrivals, where he blew his proverbial champagne load all over the driveway. We should have known then that alcohol would be his ultimate downfall — clearly he hadn't been building up a tolerance to liquor in the months preceding The Bachelorette. Unfortunately, this dude had one too many Sizzurps during this week's group date after party, and who can blame him? Craig was just trying to deal with the fact that he had been publicly humiliated, objectified, and debased on national television. HE JUST WANTED TO THROW BACK A FEW COLD ONES AND BRO OUT.
To be fair on Craig, who hasn't belly flopped into a pool fully clothed, flashed their butt at a team of cameramen, and screamed "it's too hot on my body!!!!" when confronted with a hot tub? And who hasn't stumbled around aimlessly with a towel of shame draped on their head and angrily yelled "f— you, bro!" at random passersby?
And yes, Craig's conversation with Andi got kind of weird when he pondered "what's your worst thing about your parents, BOOM" but whatever, guys, he was just trying to get to know her on a deeper level. Deep, like the Bachelor Mansion swimming pool, which Craig spent a lot of time frolicking in. No seriously, did you see him staring at his feet while he kicked at the water gleefully? It's like he was hallucinating a mermaid tail.
Of course, the best part of Craig's rapid descent into hot messiness was when he sobered up and with a totally clear mind two days later, thought it was a good idea to break out his acoustic guitar. The lyrics to his heartfelt apology song? "I messed up last night, I had too much firefly, I bared my junk to thirteen other guys, but I hope and pray that it's alright. Oh Andi, please let me stay."
Yeah, that failed. It's only a matter of time before Andi takes out a restraining order against Craig, and we very much doubt that he'll be allowed to visit the state of California again, if we're honest. The good news is that Craig can come hang with us whenever he wants, because we're literally in love with him.