Bachelor 2014 Episode 3 — Hot Mess of the Week: Clare Crawley
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

The Bachelor

Bachelor 2014 Episode 3 — Hot Mess of the Week: Clare Crawley

We've reached the part of The Bachelor where Juan Pablo Galavis has zero effs to give. This hunk has taken to making out with his sister-wives in front of his other sister-wives, and it's leading to a lot of bitterness, resentment, and shiv-whittling (we assume). This week, Juan Pablo made the hazardous decision to throw a pool party instead of a cocktail party, and when he wasn't shoving his head into Kat Hurd's crotch, he could be found “making out” (we need a new word for what that was) with Sharleen Joynt. It was all super beautiful and poetic, until Clare Crawley realized that she was being rejected by Juan Pablo's tongue in favor of another, and suffered an emotional breakdown.

Poor Clare was so overcome by Juan Pablo Fever that she ended up wandering around Bachelor Mansion in a bikini, hiding out in a bathroom, sobbing to weary cameramen who are like this close to ending it all, and wearing a giant orange towel of shame. The really sad part is that Clare didn't even appear to be drunk, which means her bout of jealousy was just a straight-up representation of her personality.

Luckily, part of Juan Pablo's job description as El Bachelor is being a part-time therapist to his hoard of hotties, and he sat down with Clare to serve up a platter of cuddles. Juan reminded Clare that she's muy caliente (while presumably fantasizing about his makeout sesh with Sharleen that took place on the exact same bench), and her hot messiness was immediately transformed into something hinging on desperation. In other words, bachelorette status quo.

By the way, we'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to this week's runner up for Hot Mess: Bachelor Mansion's resident dog, who wandered outside while Juan Pablo was making breakfast, and immediately defected on camera.