Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. You may journal it as the day Boyz II Men decided to stop by The Bachelorette and fulfill your erotic ‘90s fantasies. Yes, fellow Chris(t) Harrison disciples, Boyz II Men took a time machine from the abandoned TRL soundstage (their last known location) and arrived at Bachelor Mansion in order to fulfill their promise to make love to us. But it's also, like, super relevant, because Andi Dorfman's suitors are totally boyz blossoming into men.
Nothing can really top the religious experience that was seeing our favorite band in action, but Andi also went on one-on-one dates with both Nick Viall and JJ O’Brien this week. Honestly, we don't even know why she bothered when it's so obvious that she needs to move to Utah, become a Mormon, and make Boyz II Men her sister-husbands.
Anyway, we clearly have a lot of really deep and important feelings and emotions about this week's episode, so please put some butterfly clips into your hair, grab a 20-year-old packet of 3D Doritos, and join us for a recap!
One on One — Did Nick V. Get The Rose?
Umm, so it appears as though Nick was having an inner crisis during this episode, because he suddenly didn't know if he wanted to find love on national television while a bunch of semi-perverted cameramen trolled his make-out sessions. Something he apparently failed to think about during months of grueling Bachelorette auditions and STD tests.
Anyway, Nick's mind was eased thanks to a romantic one-on-one date with Andi in Santa Barbara, where they spent the day riding bikes while trying not to run over all the geriatrics that populate the town. Then, Andi forced Nick to hike up to some random mountaintop (presumably as part of some masochistic adventure in sportiness) and he was valiantly rewarded for his efforts by getting to eat an actual meal — at the courthouse. Because get it? Law stuff! Anyway, Andi and Nick's conversation was stimulating to say the least, and after reflecting on all his ex-girlfriends in excruciating detail, Nick realized that he was ready to fall in love with our beautiful Bachelorette. And yes, he deflowered her on the spot and made out with her!
Boyz II Men Group Date — Who Got The Rose?
First of all, we'd like to thank Boyz II Men for their offer to make love to us. Our bodies are ready. Second of all, we'd like to thank them for agreeing to appear on The Bachelorette — where they sang their classic hit "I'll Make Love To You" with a dozen members of Andi's harem on the best group date of all time. We imagine they were paid millions of dollars for the appearance, or at the very least were compensated with a few bottles of Zima.
Watching Andi's brosefs rehearse with Boyz II Men was a joy (it's opposite day), but the real treat was learning that the band still appears in concert other places than our fan-fiction.Tragically, we were forced to listen to them sing hit songs with The Bachelorette Boys as backup (doubtless part of Chris Harrison's evil plan to ruin our eardrums), and let's just say we're partially deaf thanks to the alarming guttural noises that emerged from Cody Sattler and Marcus Grodd's mouths. So many copies of Now That's What I Call Music have been ruined for us.
Luckily, things improved during the Group Date After Party where R. Kelly showed up and sang a duet with Third Eye Blind. LOL, just kidding that didn't happen, but Andi did make out with Marcus, which is almost as exciting (said no one ever) — and she gave Josh Murray the Group Date Rose! Probably as a reward for actually wearing a shirt that fits him.
One on One — Did JJ Get The Rose
Apparently, JJ took time out of his busy schedule of designing pants n' whatevs to go on a one-on-one date with Andi, in which they payed homage to Santa Barbara by dressing up as old people. We repeat, Chris Harrison thought it would be sexy for Andi and JJ to morph into geriatrics and troll the streets of Santa Barbara, proving our theory that his sexual fetishes have reached a whole new level of deranged.
So what did these crazy kids get up to? Oh you know, they traumatized some local toddlers/an entire family of ducks, wandered around in motorized wheelchairs, ate Werther's Originals, spoke in whispers (because apparently old folks can't use their vocal chords?), and faked a few hand tremors. It was kind of like watching The Notebook except for not-at-all cute, completely creepy and just a little insulting. The good news? This highly questionable date helped Andi realize that she totally wants to grow old with JJ, and made us realize that ABC really needs to greenlight The Bachelorette: Nursing Home Edition.
P.S. JJ got the rose, despite the fact that he spent the entire date bald, wrinkled and trying to kiss Andi while wearing a faux mustache.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
Andrew Poole, Josh Murray and JJ O'Brien got into a really emotional weave-snatching session this week, and it's all thanks to Andrew's irresistible sexual allure. Long story short, this dude allegedly hit on some random hostess at some random restaurant, prompting JJ and Josh to be like "awww girl NO" and confront him about his actions. Naturally, Andrew had no intention of apologizing to dudes who can't even park cars inside their homes, and wandered upstairs while JJ followed him and tried to blind him with his paisley pants. All we have to say is this: don't hate the player, hate the game.
Quote of the Night
Eric Hill takes a walk down memory lane: "I'm pretty sure I touched my first butt to 'I'll Make Love To You' in seventh grade."
Who Was Sent Home?
Bid farewell to Bradley Wisk and Brett Melnick, who failed to impress Andi with their personalities, or lack thereof. We'll miss you SO MUCH, you guys.
Tomorrow on The Bachelorette
It's double the pleasure double the fun this week on ABC! Believe it or not, you get to spend another two hours of your life watching Andi Dorfman find love on Monday night's all-new episode of The Bachelorette. Yep, Andi and her remaining men will travel to the magical land of Connecticut, where Andi will ride a steam train with Dylan Petitt (and unfortunately we don't mean that in a sexy way), go on a basketball-themed group date with 11 lucky dudes, and then have a one-on-one with Marcus Grodd, in which they rappel down the side of Mohegan Sun. Because a season of The Bachelorette wouldn't be complete without some #casual repelling action, now would it?!