Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges
Credit: Nick Ray/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges

This week, Desiree Hartsock and her bushel of boyfriends traveled through the backwoods towns of Germany (read: Munich) and were just like "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!"

Basically, Des is Maria and her bachelors are the Von Trapp Children. And yes, we know The Sound of Music takes place in Austria, but whatever. Chris Siegfried is so Liesl.

Anyway, Des pulled a predictable switcheroo this week, and we think it's because of all the bratwurst she's been eating. Girlfriend must have been braut-wasted, because instead of going on her usual 1-on-1s and a group date, she embarked on a good ol' fashioned Bachelorette menage à trois — or as the Germans like to call it, a sausage fest. Nom nom nom!

Chris Unleashes His Inner Shakespeare

Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges
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We love it when The Bachelorette teaches us about faraway lands, and this week we learned all about Germany, a magical place full of beer, sausage, and people named Brunhilda. Des and Chris had a blast trolling around Munich, and Chris was so inspired by the fact that Desiree forced him into Lederhosen that he decided to recite a poem. It was kinda like being at a college open mic, only even more terrifying. To quote: "feelings eternal if you choose me."

Obviously, Desiree was so inspired by Chris' poetic musics that she puckered up, and together they tasted each other's sausage. You know, because they had just eaten a bunch of brats and neither of them had brushed their teeth. (Chris was really excited about that part.)

Oh, and in case you're wondering, Chris got a rose, and this date had an obligatory appearance by a random "famous" pop star, who serenaded Chris and Des while they were just all "Ich liebe dich!!!!" Yep, we know how to use Google Translate.

Group Date Yodel Madness: Who Got The Rose?

Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges
Credit: Nick Ray/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

On behalf of Bachelor Nation, we'd like to issue a public apology to everyone invited on Desiree's group date.

These poor souls were forced to chill out in the German Alps, a desolate wasteland full of snow and terrifying yodelers. Frankly, we're shocked that anyone made it out alive — especially after their harrowing "gondola ride" to the tallest peak in Germ-Town. Of course, things only got worse from there.

Not only did Des force her men to yodel (which sounded like a pack of feral wolves being slaughtered), she tried to murder them all by shoving them down a mountainside.

Luckily, none of Desiree's suitors died, and they were rewarded by getting to hang in some creepy igloo that was carved by Chris Harrison's fleet of indentured servants. So, who got the rose? That would be Brooks, who managed to impress Des with his makeout skills while she was just like "YODEL YODEL YODEL!" Also did anyone else find it weird when Brooks totally voyeured on Des and James making out?

Hot Tug Time Machine — In Which Someone Went Overboard

Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges
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The time has come to take a trip to Awkward City, population Des, Michael, Ben and yours truly. Des' two-on-one date was the most painful thing we've had to endure all season — and we say that after having watched Brooks writhe around on a gurney with a broken finger.

It all started when Des, Michael and Ben started floating around in a "hot tug" on some tepid body of water. Let's just say Ben and Michael didn't get along, and Michael wasted no time throwing Benny From The Block under the bus during dinner. Boyfriend's gripe? That Ben totally insulted Germany's entire population of bunnies when he didn't show up to Catholic services on Easter. Yikes, someone's jealous that Des doesn't care about his diabetes.

Shockingly, Des gave Michael the rose even though she was dissapointed in his aggressive behavior, and Ben spent the rest of his evening wandering around a dungeon.

Most Dramatic Moments Of The Episode

Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Recap: Desiree Hartsock’s German Exchanges
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James Is There For The WRONG REASONS: So, turns out James has an evil plan to become the next Bachelor, and when his competitors find out the sordid truth, they immediately snatched his weave and flew into a collective fit of jealousy. The problem? Des' stud muffins didn't have time to tell her about James because she canceled cocktail hour (too busy yodeling, probs), so now they're all just really bitter and tattooing lyrics to "Right Reasons" on their bodies with sharpened Pilsner bottles.

Bryden Deflowers Himself: You'd think Bryden would have gone home last week when he was still living in the USofA, but no. Instead he flew across the world, only to be like "Whoops, I'm just not that into you!" In fact, Bryden interrupted Chris Siegfried’s 1-on-1 date to tell Des the news, and then peaced out while a bunch of gargoyles judged him. All we know is that Bryden's departure was extremely upsetting for all parties involved — even more upsetting than watching Chris and Des recite poetry to each other.

Who Else Went Home?

Des' bites of man meat are all created equal, but one of them had to go during the German Rose Ceremony, and that special someone was Mikey Tenerelli. We'll miss you, Mike. Your yodels will forever haunt our nightmares.

Quote of the Night

Michael real talks: "I need to now go and murder Ben." At least he can defend himself in court.

Next Week on The Bachelorette

Desiree and her eight remaining boyfriends travel to Barcelona during Monday's all-new episode of The Bachelorette (airing July 1). Not only will this gal treat both Zak Waddell and Drew Kenney to 1-on-1 dates, she'll force the rest of her hunks to play soccer during a romantic group date! Obviously, we expect Brooks to break all of his fingers.