Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!
Credit: Patrick Aventurier/ABC    

The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!

Get out your berets, friendos — you know, if you didn’t torch them back in middle school when you realized everything they wear on TV isn’t de rigueur. Clearly the tortured captives of Andi Dorfman’s man-agerie didn’t get the message, because so many of them sported the chapeaux on tonight’s Bachelorette episode. It’s like a full on révolution against our eyes!

The poor dears had to dress up as mimes and frolic around Marseilles, while pretending to like it. And yet, there was a certain je ne sais quoi about Andi’s boyfriends sporting stripes... though someone needs to tell Chris Soules that this isn’t an audition, cuz homefarmer took it trop seriously.

Elsewhere, Andi finally set sail with Josh Murray, her not-so-secret favesie, and their love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Their souls are like a secret that ABC just couldn’t keep, no matter how much they edited the overboard lovey-ness of their time together (shout out to N*SYNC).

We hoped Brian Osborne would capitalize on his half-court attempts to woo Andi when the two caught a flick and then got to cooking up some frog legs. Because it’s like Celeste Kane always says: “you have to kiss some frogs.” That’s it, that’s all she said. But speaking of cooking, Brian’s dish fizzled when it should have sizzled.

Sit back with a glass — or six — of Châteauneuf-du-Pape and let’s discuss the Francestual episode of The Bachelorette as we regroup and explore the amour and au revoirs of Episode 5.

1-on-1 Date With Josh Murray: Our Love Is Like a Metaphor For Love

Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!
Credit: Bachelorette ABC Twitter    

We already knew this date would be a home run/touchdown because Josh started it off with two brilliant quotes. The first was when he read the date card, relaying “The date card says something in French that I have no idea, but all that matters is it says ‘love Andi and to Josh in the beginning.’” #SoCultured. Josh also really combated the jock stereotype by saying this date was a big deal, in only the way he can: “The Super Bowl would be like your wedding, but this is, like, a huge playoff game.”

Whoever trusted two non-French speakers to traipse around Marseilles, representing the ATL was sadly mistaken. Luckily, they roped in the shop-goers real fast and threw them onto a boat for a picnic. Once aboard the SS Love Boat, conversation turned to normal yacht talk, like how hard it is to play professional sports at 17. Totes.

After, they go to a castle. We know this because Andi says “It’s a castle!” Thanks, D. Their swooning continues over a dinner they don’t eat. But while they don’t share the haricots verts, they do share a little history, finding out they were both cheated on. Josh saves the convo by hinting that the next girl he says the L-word to will be the one he marries. #Foreshadow.

Obviously, he gets the rose, which is good, because some poor sap you’ve never heard of starts playing songs for them. The only way it could have been more awkward (than two people dancing and making out in front of a solo unknown artist in an empty castle) is if that guy had been told to get out, so… good save.

Group Date: I’ve Got My Mime on My Money, and My Money on My Mime

Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!
Credit: Patrick Aventurier/ABC    

In ABC’s best move ever, the group date card is blank, and just says “heart Andi.” Get it — mimes don’t use words! The guys are taken to a dance studio, and Patrick (who has only been on group dates) remarks, “What better place to have your group date?” We’re sure he means France, but we still can’t tell if he’s messing with us.

For a wordless excursion, the guys sure had some amazing lines. Chris Soules deadpanned, “There are no mimes in Iowa, I guarantee it.” Dylan added to the hilarity, explaining what it is that mimes do all day: “I know nothing about miming except they use their hands a lot and do activities.”

After running around making children cry, dancing with innocent strangers, and otherwise ruining any future international relations, Marcus summed up the damage they had just done: “Americans should never come to France and mime. Ever.”

JJ wins the day by reenacting his old man date with Andi, then stealing her away during the after party for a ride on the carousel. While he’s gone, a bunch of guys confront Nick, who has been a spoilsport all day. Calling him out for saying he’s the frontrunner, Cody seems the most offended by it all and yells at him whilst wearing a v-neck button down (this is a thing that exists!).

Andi gets an earful from a bunch of the guys, and we’re hopeful for a sec that she’s finally had it with him, but then he whips out a poem from Chris Siegfried’s garbage can, and Andi is putty.

JJ gets the rose for “always making Andi feel special.” Still, every time we think of their future, our clown frowns turn upside down.

In Which Brian Osborne Makes Us Hate Food

Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!
Credit: Bachelorette ABC on Twitter    

What does Brian Osborne hate most? If you answered “rising to the occasion and kissing girls when he should,” you’re… half right. But the other thing would be cooking, and that’s what he’s set to do on the date. Well, after he and Andi hit the movie theater.

Brian surprises no one when he says his ideal date would be dinner and a movie. No one. After sitting through a product placement for a movie from ABC’s parent company, Disney, the two go to the market to cook. It’s a good thing Brian is an athlete instead of an actor, because he can’t hide his contempt for this date.

Andi, meanwhile, nails her teleprompter cues. “As cheesy as it seems, there’s a recipe for great food and a recipe for great love, and I hope to figure it out.” They cook and it’s like an airball in food form, so they end up heading out to dinner. True to form, Brian says he wishes he’d kissed Andi on the basketball court in the kitchen. He kisses her and gets a rose. We don’t know why.

Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode

Bachelorette 2014 Episode 5 Recap: Marseilles It Ain’t So!
Credit: The Bachelorette video still/ABC Television Group    

Early on, JJ tells the group that during the first Rose Ceremony, Andrew called Marquel and Ron “blackies.” M-squared is flabbergasted — and rightfully so — remarking that he’s disturbed that people always notice the color of his skin instead of his amazingness. (To be fair, we noticed his prints and then cookies, in that order.)

During the group date after party, Marquel calls out Andrew in front of the group, asking for the truth. The car enthusiast thinks it’s a joke, and vehemently denies ever having said a word. Marquel handles it like a champ, and we believe Andrew in the end. Which has us wondering what the 30-year-old actually said to JJ…

The Dreaded Rose Ceremony

The boys lounge in their natural half-circle formation, waiting for Andi and the Rose Ceremony, but it never happens. After La Bachelorette tells Host Harrison that she already has her mind made up, he delivers the bad news. “I know you came to this beautiful chateau tonight hoping to spend time with Andi. That’s not going to happen.” After a beat, “there will be no cocktail party.” Thanks Chris, cuz we’re pretty sure at least one person (cough Cody) didn’t get that.

After Marcus scoops the first rose, the usual suspects come forth to claim theirs. When there’s only one rose left and four guys who want it, Cody comes out of nowhere to snag it — and a trip to Italy.

Who Was Sent Home?

We honestly don’t know what we’re going to do without Patrick there to point out the obvious, but the fine 29-year-old who has smiled like two times this season made the best exit speech ever (see next section for his word gold). Luckily, he and bestie Andrew can nap on each other’s shoulders on the long flight home to Southern California.

Sadly, for everyone who likes fun, Marquel also got kicked off. Poor form, Andi.

Quote of the Night

This was a surprisingly tough category, but Patrick really did win the whole season. When he left, he made anyone who was confused about his departure see the light: “Am I surprised that I’m walking out the door this evening? Yes. I don’t get it. The problem that occurred was she didn’t get to fully experience me. It’s unfortunate, it truly is. Because I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are paramount when it comes to being a husband. She missed out on that.”


Next Week on The Bachelorette

The remaining eight guys go to Italy, where one guy gets to ride in a gondola, one yells at a balcony, six get hooked up to a lie detector, and two go home. See you on Monday, June 23 for all the action the boot can handle!

Julia Wayne is an Editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter and Google+!